Susannah's Going to Stop Trying to Control Things .....Tomorrow

Thanks for your support - yes, it does help to know others face similar situations. I feel better this morning, which is kinda good and kinda bad. Good because it means I am building some resilience and I don't have swollen, puffy eyes since I didn't actually cry as much as usual last night - bad because it feels like another little part of me died. I don't want to end my suffering by means of destroying all my emotional nerve endings.

 

Yes, I agree that is how he is behaving. I used to take it much more personally. Now I am beginning to see very clearly that his reactions are 100% from his own shame. He was "caught" sleeping, felt shame at not meeting standards he, himself had set (the nightly study and recovery effort), felt guilty about doing something that let me down, became engulfed in shame like a child, then lashed out defensively because it was too painful to take personal responsibility. It is more comfortable for him to blame me than himself. I can see all this very clearly - unfortunately, in the moment it is still very hurtful.

That's the thing. Of course you are right on target. I was trying mightily to resist that urge, but I failed. I went downstairs for a third try, only to be rebuffed again. At that point all I could muster the courage to do is go back upstairs and sleep in the guest bedroom. Not exactly a big hardship for him, right? It was a good self-protective move for me, though.

So I know I need to set boundaries. But for whatever reason, at this point I know I am unable to carry through on consequences to boundary violations, so I have not set them. Of course, I "say" lots of things to myself like, "This time I've really had it." "I respect myself more than this!" "This time HE will be the one who has to reach out to me.", etc. When I am saying these things to myself, I really believe them. Then, the next thing I know I am going down stairs to reach out to him. I wish for all the world that I could locate my inner Wonder Woman, but she is nowhere to be found. Pretty sure I don't want her anyway - she's pretty much the queen of P-Subs. LOL. So at this point I am concentrating on trying to stop the self-hate I feel when I give in to him and his bad behavior. I know that this just sets me up for the next cycle of not believing I CAN say "no", and has to be my first step. A baby step, I know - but it's all I have right now. Thanks for your support and suggestions. I know I'll be able to take them someday. Everyone has their breaking point - guess I just haven't reached mine yet. Heaven help him when I do - the internal rage I am building scares even me.

 

Hi Ghostwriter. Thanks, as always, for your thorough and insightful reply. I struggle between calling him on his bullshit and going along with it because I don't want to supply him with the slightest reason to say that I have been "not supportive" or attacking him and slowing his progress. It's kind of a battle of wills - I don't want to give him the satisfaction. Yes - I'm aware that we have degenerated into ninja-level mindgamesmanship at my house....

Thanks for the reminder that there WILL be an end to this and that I should look for progress. Honestly, there has been quite a bit. It does me good to compare where we are today (both of us) to this time last year.

As for your final suggestion, I wish I could do it. At this point, I am still the one to give in every time. I know how sad this is and how far I have fallen. THIS IS NOT ME! is what I keep screaming. But of course, it IS me. It is the "me" I am right now. I have to figure out a way to love her before I can defend her. And I can't exactly blame him for not respecting her when I don't.

 

Thanks!

 

Thanks!

 

The recovery meeting went fairly well last night. There were only two targets there and he reported urges to ogle and take "sneaky" looks several times, but kept control. For him, the sneaky aspect is huge. Once he begins sneaking looks at a target, he does so compulsively and to the exclusion of everything else until the target is gone. That is why it is so critical for him to learn to control this. There is very real potential for him to go to a meeting and become so absorbed in sneaking looks that he would get no benefit at all from the meeting itself. It would end up not being therapeutic at all and in fact, reinforcing the behavior he is trying to combat. Ugh.

When we got home, we had a good talk. He spoke about his problem with young girls and how he fetishizes them, believing them to be perfect, magical, unobtainable creatures that he could never have - not human at all. I appreciate his honesty and I have genuine compassion for the disease that causes this (along with the strong cultural messages reinforcing it). Nevertheless, I admit that hearing about it, seeing it and thinking about it is like a knife in my heart. Part of the pain is over the objectification and dehumanization involved. It is not at all flattering to be thought magical and perfect if your very humanity is denied. Part of the pain is knowing he worships these "things" and knows he can't have them, so he settles for me. I can never be what he wants. NO ONE CAN, because the thing he wants literally does not exist! But that doesn't make it any easier to live with. After he talked about this a bit, I just sat and cried. What else could I do? The whole thing is so sad. He was very sweet and patient and just let me cry. I lost my temper at one point and raised my voice to tell him, in frustration, that every one of those girls is flesh and blood, shits every day, will grow older, and is so utterly obtainable that she is probably getting fucked right now in the back of some car by someone age appropriate. Sometimes I just want to go live alone on an island at the top of the world somewhere, so I don't have to face the kind of pain humans unleash on one another.

 

It's been kind of a rough day. I had to go out to a meeting tonight and leave him alone for three hours. This is so terrifying for me. I have been preoccupied thinking about it all day and was skittish and nervous the whole time I was gone. He tried to reassure me that he had to work late anyway and would be hard at it all the time I was gone (he works from home). He was still working when I got home and said he wasn't finished and would need to do more. I was a little disappointed because this would eat into our together/talking/recovery time. But I told him I understood - sometimes he works long hours.

So I settled into the couch and checked my email. I saw a notice from Amazon about an order but couldn't remember placing one. I went to the site and started poking around and stumbled on his "recently viewed" list. He had been looking for an electronic item he had been needing - no big deal. But ALSO he had been looking at a string of novels with P-Sub illustrations on the covers - scantily dressed busty porny women. When will this ever end? I knew about Facebook, Twitter, etc, etc...but Amazon?! I just snapped inside and went straight to his phone while he went to the kitchen for some tea. I looked at his history and sure enough - he had spent most of the time I was gone looking at P-Subs on Amazon while he claimed to be working. So we won't have time for our recovery work tonight because he squandered it looking at P-Subs. What is the point of the recovery work anyway if he is this far gone and will not stop lying to me? And there is no way I will confront him about this because the last thing I want to do is tip him off about all the things I discover. Then he'd just start being more careful and I'd have even less information. So once again, I just have to stuff this down and add it to the pile of rage that lives where my heart used to be. There just isn't any point to all this. What did I get myself into?

 

I wanna dance. I love dancing. I used to dance all the time. It is Wednesday night. There is a local dance tonight. Are we going? No. We are not going. In fact, we haven't been in a long time - since his ogling problem has made it impossible. My husband recently told me that a young woman quit the dance group because she could not tolerate my him staring at her breasts anymore. I have so many emotions about this....compassion, both for her and for him; rage at him for taking this from us; mortification when I imagine what everyone must think about me being married to him(I know that sounds selfish) and I don't even know what else....

It's technically true that I could go by myself, but I know I would spend the time there in misery, wondering whether I had even gotten out of the driveway before he started pitying himself and self-soothing with porn. I hate this life.

 

More bad news. Another cosmic joke. I found out today that there are not one, but two new young women joining my husband's work team. I asked him what precautions he intends to take when he meets them. He said he always makes sure my pictures are on his desk and that he would mention me to make sure they knew he was married. ???? This, to me, is yet another symptom of the problem. He is literally old enough to be the grandfather of these girls, yet part of him seriously thinks the only thing preventing these girls from considering him boyfriend material is that he is married??? I originally asked him the question because I wanted to know what steps he would take in order to not fixate on these co-workers just trying to do their jobs without being leered at. He interpreted it as me wanting to know what steps he would take to discourage them from throwing themselves at him. The distortions that come with this disease are impressive. Meanwhile, he goes into the office tomorrow and I have to deal with thinking about two more women for him to ogle, fantasize about, compare me to, dream of, show off for, mansplain to, and flirt with. Oh well, I guess two more won't matter. He's already jerked off to thousands.

 

Dear Husband,

You are obsessed with young women. You have said you think of them as "magical, perfect, unobtainable creatures". You cannot stop looking at them in public, masturbating to them in private, or probably thinking of them while having sex with me. Here are some things you should know. I regret to inform you that :


There are not enough young “creatures” between the ages of 15 and 23 to go around, especially if you weed out (as you do) any that are even slightly chubby. If we try to distribute the young women ages 15 - 23 amongst the men of the world, ages 15 - 100, the math simply doesn’t work out.


You are in your 60s, about 75 lbs overweight, have bad teeth, are gray from head to toe, and cannot get it up in the presence of a real woman. Even if there were enough young women 15-23 for you to have your very own, she would likely notice all these things. She would probably not be burning with desire for you.


If, after having possessed her for a while, you tired of staring at her and wanted to have a conversation, you would have practically nothing to talk to her about. Since you two are from different centuries, you and she would have nothing in common. You would share no cultural references. You would eventually get tired of having to answer questions like, “Who is Eisenhower?” , “What’s an ice box?” , and “Where is Haight-Ashbury???” She would think all your Fairport Convention LPs are stupid.


Every time you two went out you would have to suffer the pain of seeing her look longingly at young men her own age. Handsome, slim, muscular young men with full heads of hair.


Even if you were to somehow capture your very own 15 – 23 year old “creature”, depending on how old she was when you captured her, she would sooner or later no longer be between 15 and 23, therefore no longer magical or perfect. Then what would you do?


Sincerely,

Your un-magical, imperfect, fully human, obtainable, age-appropriate wife.


PS I love you very much

 

it was either write it here or say it to his face.

 

Thanks! I am feeling stronger. This site is helping. And you!

 

So here I am, sitting, waiting for my husband to finish up his work. I've come to pick him up. 10 minutes, he says. He gave me a little "teaser" and let me know, in the spirit of full honesty that he had some "problems" at work today. Then turned back to finish his work. So now I am left to sit here, wondering what happened. Wondering who he ogled, who he fantasized about. I know that I want him to tell me about his urges and slips. I want him to be honest. I want full disclosure. It is what I have wanted all along. It is what I NEED. Yet, here it is and I find myself burning inside. When I dropped him off this morning everything was great. We made love last night and this morning. We were both in a great mood this morning. He seemed happy and in love with me. Yet, he could not go half a day before needing to supplement me. As an added kick to the gut, a checker I am friendly with at the local grocery store asked me out today. I would not have even considered it. I told him kindly that I am happily married. I turned down the advances of a lovely man who clearly appreciates me when my husband was busy wanting someone else. (more likely several someone elses)So here I sit, trying to recite my mantras to myself. "I am okay" "There is nothing wrong with me" "He is sick" "I could be enough for someone out there" My chest is burning with shame. My eyes are tearing. My stomach is turning. (No dinner for me now.) My mind is racing with visions of just throwing a bag in the car and driving as far as I can get and never coming back. I know I need to keep my cool and think this through. So hard. How long will I have to live with this daily slap in the face?