Relapseathlon & Bingefest :(

Hey guys, been bingeing hard for 3 months now, few times a day, very rarely take a day off. Tried NoFap 2019 and caved on the third day, man the relapse was so good, cuz I actually took a break and had time to "reload", but yeah that failed. I dunno I struggle with this for 4 years now, actively trying to stop it. Had some success - 1 month and 2 months, but always seem to come back. When it happens, i noticed, it's like there's no thought at all! I mean, there's usually no voice that's what i mean (you can't easily describe what is thinking). I just get the primal urge, maybe try to resist it abit on some occasions. I try to talk myself of it when I resist it, I try not to think about it, go do something else, be it walking, studying, washing the dishes and when the urge hits me again boom - I cave in. Of course, I know it's bad, but I just do it. It's rather strange when no rational thinking can help you out all those years. Maybe we act more like animals in some regards and it's harder to come to your senses.

 

Hmmm, I wish I had something that would really force me to quit, like a wife, but I don't. Self-forcing myself hasn't worked until now all those years, maybe I still can't let go of the easy pleasure it provides me, although I know the price.