Wife Doesn't Know

Take it from me, everyday you don’t PMO is exhilarating. I suddenly have so much time and I feel excited when I’m not laying around in a M coma.

So I’m not a man, yadda yadda. Let me tell you that I had the worst pied. Sex felt like a romantic chore. The more I don’t M, the more I think of sex with my SO. It’s simple logic: starve the porn cancer and cultivate intimacy.

Good luck to you.

Not M’ing and not PMO’ing benefits more than just your relationship. You’ll feel like a lighthearted, deserving person with tons of moral credit!

 

Once you're ready to "come out," it really feels good to admit it -- at least it did for me. Granted, it was to a girlfriend at the time not a wife. Hopefully she isn't one of those "holier than thou" types

 

She may surprise you. I have one friend but I don't talk to her about this, neither do I tell my family. No therapist either. I struggle with anxiety mostly but have times of depression as well. My outlet is here mostly. My bf and I are also working together. Don't keep hiding things from her because you think she will take it hard or not be able to handle it.

 

Agreed. Make sure you aren't just using this as an excuse for not telling her. No matter how much it hurts her, every day you keep this from her will make it worse when she finally finds out.

 

Agreed most definitely. I don't have much support either and have struggled with anxiety / depression. What has absolutely made things worse for me was not so much dealing with his addiction but him not coming forth and being honest with me in the first place. Every D-Day, and there's been a few over the years, I have caught him. Never once did he come forth on his own. I believe I would feel very differently had he shown responsibility and honesty in the first place.

 

Think about it in a different way. What do you think her emotional stability will be when she finds out on her own that you relapsed and have been lying to her about it? I used the word "when" because there is never an "if." It is always discovered if not disclosed.

 

I told my wife, without being specific, she knows I’m an addict in other areas , at least I was before I met her, so she knows my character, the same way your wife knows your character
I really thought any disclosure would destroy her
But it’s made us closer
Women know anyway, they’re such instinctual beings
My wife recently has hinted at knowing all along
Saying stuff about when I was most distant
I’d say if you’re scared then disclose in a non detailed way, but say the truth
I mean what else do you have to work on other than the secrets keeping you apart?

 

While you're working out how to talk to your wife about it, you might find support starting the NoFap Academy Course, my husbands currently doing it at the moment or there's another free workshop you could look at, it may help keep you on track and stay focused. I'll put the link below. The workshop is brilliant but I definitely prefer the NoFap forum here for discussions. Best of luck!

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php

 

My partner doesn't know either but we're sleeping in separate rooms as things are not the best in our relationship atm

 

If she doesnt want to go to a therapy session with you, dont try to persuade her. She has made it clear she doesnt want to go. I am the same way. I will not go with my husband either. But he's okay with that and respects my feelings.

It is often stressed that disclosure needs to be done in front of a professional in a controlled environment, but there are many men/women/couples that do not desire to do it that way. Additionally, many women do not want "support" people in attendance. Often times it is taken as she was ambushed, with you as the aggressor, controlling the environment so as to control her reactions. Many women do not want to share this kind of trauma in the beginning and want to process through the initial feelings on their own.

The key to a successful (if you can call it that) disclosure is to know your spouse, her personality, her wishes, and put her feelings above all else. You stated that your wife would feel like a disclosure with a therapist and with various support people was a nightmare. You know this about her. So dont attempt to coerce her to do things your way. She will find you to be manipulative and gaslighting her.

If you dont want to just come right out and say it without other people there, you could also write her a disclosure letter. @AnonymousAnnaXOXO has a template to help out.

 

I know you asked EyesWideOpen but seeing as I am a SO alsoI thought I'd answer too. I don't talk to anyone in person about this or go to therapy. It may be recommended and may help but it isn't the only way and may not even be the best way for some people. I use this forum for support. It has helped both my boyfriend and I a lot.

 

I do not speak to anyone professionally. I have two friends that know about my husband's addiction and are supportive, but we have never talked in depth. I attempted counseling with a CSAT once that claimed to also work with betrayal trauma. He made things worse. There is something called therapy induced trauma and that was exactly what happened. I will not attempt therapy again.

I have, however, developed a couple of very close friendships with some other SOs on these forums. So much so that we have become friends outside of the forums, regularly checking in with each other and supporting each other.

Every person copes with their trauma differently. Some need and want a professional, others make their journey in other ways.

 

Hi, this is going to be super weird, but I just want to clarify for the masses that I'm not your wife & you aren't my husband.

I did IVF & had twins, too. Similarities make people go hmmmmm?.

Good luck in your journey & again, sorry for the random weirdness.