My Story in Sissy Pornography (Trigger Warning)

This is my first time posting to this thread, but after reading so many of your stories I feel that it would be healthy for me to share mine for the first time with other people.

I've always been someone who has suffered with issues of anxiety ever since I was a little kid. I had a tough time acclimating into social situations and oftentimes found it very difficult to talk with and play with other kids. My tendency, as a result, became to isolate myself which only heightened my already high anxiety. At around the age of 11, I first discovered pornography. I was instantly intrigued and began to visit these sites almost every day. It started out, just as most of us have, with vanilla stuff: Girls showering together, solo scenes with girls, and amateur fucking. I didn't think much of it at the time and as someone who was too scared to actually ask out or even talk to girls in real life, it provided a level of comfort for me in exploring my sexuality.

At around 13, my pornographic tastes began to shift. I started to incorporate gay porn into my viewing library and while I was still really turned on by girls in school and online, I found myself becoming absorbed by gay porn and the male image on screen. It was around this time when I first began to masturbate to porn and once this happened my porn use began its spiral out of control. I started to explore more extreme categories such as transgender, bondage, public humiliation, etc. to where I started to look for porn almost exclusively where someone was being controlled and fantasize myself in that submissive position.

With this new turn, my masturbation style also took a dramatic turn. I began to incorporate crossdressing and self bondage into the process along with AM. I would long for the moments when my family would leave the house so I could indulge in a PMO session like this and live out the sick fantasies I had created in my head. While other kids would be looking to have friends over to drink or bring over a girl when their parents left the house, I would go grab a few pairs of panties from my mom's room along with a bunch of other toys from the house, have a degrading and humiliating experience, finish then clean everything up and sit in regret until they would arrive back home.

I probably would have stayed on this same exact path forever had it not been for my move to college. Up till this point, I had only had sex with one girl which had not been very satisfying as I was unable to cum with her in the 6 times we had sex. I had the sexual stamina to go for a long time, however no matter how much we fucked I could never finish so I would just go back to masturbate at home doing the same kind of shit I described before. At college, however, I began to gain a new self confidence at first. I rushed a fraternity, girls were taking interest in me as they did not know me as the unconfident and socially awkward kid from high school, and I began to hook up left and right. I even figured out a way to fix my cumming issue by masturbating slowly in a condom to vanilla stuff which worked! I was so happy, but my inner demons were still there and after this first semester, things took a sharp downturn the following semester.

I began to smoke heavily as our fraternity was put onto suspension and nothing was happening, we didn't have as many girls coming through so I went back to masturbation to fill that sexual void and this is where things started to get dark again. I began to go back to my submissive and sissy mindset, watching sissy porn almost every single day and soon began exploring craigslist looking for cocks to suck and get fucked by. I ended up going on Craigslist meetings three times along with seeing a mistress once and continuing to go deeper and deeper down the pornographic rabbit hole while masturbating to SP while high and going into hypno and convincing myself that this is who I am supposed to be. It was a vicious cycle but one from which I felt their was no escape. At the end of my freshman summer, I decided that enough was enough and that I needed to do something to feel better. At the time, the smoking was highly escalating these thoughts of inferiority so I decided to quit smoking and work on getting my mind at ease.

The sobriety was very helpful and truly did help to clear my head in a sense, however I was still trapped in the sissy fetish and the cycle of masturbating to the material. I had not had actual sex with a girl for about 8 months up to this point, and I was starting to worry that I wouldn't again. However, when I thought all hope was lost, I ended up scoring at our first party off of suspension for the semester with 2 girls at once and another the following day. I couldn't believe it, I felt on top of the world. I did go to see a mistress whom I had already scheduled a time for that next week, but I did not feel shame in this as I was able to see it just as a fun sexual experience rather than a part of who I was. The following week we had our invite and I went out with this amazing girl my roommate set me up with. She was funny, smart, beautiful, the whole package. We came back after to fuck and began to start seeing eachother afterwards.

While all this sounds great, things took a sharp turn very fast and this next series of events is what brought me to write this here today.

After having sex several times, I started to have an issue with actually finishing again, which had not happened since my earlier sexual encounters I described. I suppose it could have been attributed to drinking too much or worrying, but I became extremely paranoid about it and began to hope we would not have sex for the fear of not being able to finish. I then began to worry about even being able to maintain an erection and after rolling at a music festival, I looked into issues with molly and was able to convince myself that I had ED as a result of it and as someone who overthinks a lot, this began to fester heavily in my head. I started to resent my girlfriend as I convinced myself that she was the cause of me being unable to finish as I had been able to before and started to get extremely depressed and PMO to relieve the feelings.

I ended up breaking up with her due to this fear and thought that things would go back to normal, but they didn't. I still felt afraid and scared of trying to hook up with other girls due to this fear of being unable to finish and my mind continued to create the idea that maybe I am just a sissy whore and that's why I can't cum and should just be locked up in chastity and made to serve others. I realized at this point that this issue was way deeper in my own mind than I had even imagined and began my NoFap journey. I tried doing several streaks, making it to 10 days at most before relapsing but I did begin to feel better. I even started talking to my ex-girlfriend again whom I realized I still loved and felt strong feelings for when we talked on the phone. I realized this because there was no sexual pressure to perform or finish when just talking and I decided to ask to get back together which happened last week. This time, I decided to go into the relationship looking to enjoy the present moment rather than worry about what was to come when we fuck and to try to enjoy the sex regardless of outcome. This worked for a couple days, however my urges came back and I ended up PMO ing to sissy porn seven times in the course of 2 days.

One thing I realize I forgot to mention thus far is that I could make myself in a way fake finish during sex in which I pushed out what was almost like a pre cum at first than pee looking substance which would convince her I had finished but I didn't get the same relief or satisfaction as actually finishing. I could also finish easily when PMO ing which made me realize that there is nothing medically wrong with me and it is all psychological.

I feel like I keep going in circles. I continue to overthink everything and I feel like I'm at my wits end. I really do love my girlfriend and I want to be able to enjoy sex with her and not worry about cumming or feel a need to be attached to PMO again. I have considered weening myself off of porn and adjusting masturbation styles to be able to prove to myself that I can cum from either light stuff or just fantasy and without the aggresivity in my stroke, however I'm scared that it will just create an easier platform for me to slip. What prevents me from going cold turkey is the blue balls after sex which I feel can't be eradicated without PMO ing which continues the cyclical thinking once more. This is the year I promised myself that I would quit and do it not only for me but for my girlfriend who has given me someone to do all this for. However I keep getting caught in this trap and really need advice on how to get out. Know this has been a long read but appreciate anyone who took the time to read it and hopefully it can serve to help anyone who is beginning down this path to stop where they are and go back before you get as deep as I am.

 

Thanks I feel more confident after seeing how far some members of this community have come and will use it as inspiration as I move forward.