Cake; after the crisis

Cake, why are you so sensitive? Why are you crying? Cake, why do you let so-and-so's problem affect you? Cake, you're too nice. Cake, why do you spend so much time alone? Cake, wtf did you put the blind dog you saw in the middle of the road in pouring rain into our car & bring him home?! What were you thinking?! Cake, you are too weak. You'll never get anywhere in life being that nice.

Misunderstood. Labeled. Negated.

6 months since dday.

Looking back on how the last 6 months of my life have played out, I honestly can't help but smile. Of course it's unfortunate & devastating that I had to file for divorce. It's been the most excruciating thing I have ever been through. Finding out my mom has cancer was nothing compared to finding out I was never really loved by the man I vowed to spend my life with & that I was a piece of trash, so easily discarded.

One of the last straws for me was my ex's therapist sending me an email about 2 months after dday & only 3-4 weeks of "counseling" my ex. This email came as a reply to one of mine to her; an email I'd sent her chronicling my ex's continued secrecy & flippant behavior. I believe I told her that I wasn't sure if I could continue in the marriage given the behavior I'd dealt with for 10 years was not getting any better, but in fact, it was getting worse. I was angry; desperate; honest in my sincerity.

Her email to me was the catalyst to my growth & understanding of myself. In it, she said that I needed to go to an inpatient treatment center for co-dependent betrayed women & included links to such local facilities. She went on further to say her & my ex had discussed me going to one of these inpatient places & my husband was OK with it & would look after the kids while I was gone.

I want you all to imagine, being blindsided by not only betrayal, but violations of your human rights & then 2 months later being told it was you that needed inpatient treatment, not the person that caused this. Not only that, but that the person who caused this unimaginable pain was "OK" with it & so nicely agreed to take care of the children while you were gone fixing this co-dependent problem some quack said you had.

I don't think I'd ever felt so misunderstood, labeled, & negated than I did when I read that email. I was done. DONE. No longer would I be labeled something I was not. It was that moment I decided to stop trying to get people to "understand" me & why I do the things I do. Fuck them. Fuck the man that I'd stuck by through years of sadness & fuck this ignorant "therapist" he believed. I mean, I kind of don't blame him. When your in some deep shit, you're probably gonna go with the my wife is TOTALLY CO-DEPENDENT; let's shift all attention from me & my part in this. SHE, the co-dependent, needs inpatient treatment for this co-dependency problem, you, random therapist, says she has (although my wife has only talked to her for 1 hour). Anything to not keep the focus on me & the absolute destruction my behavior has caused!

Here's the deal, had my ex not been face in electronics for 90% of our marriage, he'd know I wasn't co-dependent. He had himself an empath, but, porn & other women kept him from knowing who the woman he married really was. Or, maybe that's why he chose me...

Regardless, that email set my soul on fire. I no longer would be faulted for being a nurturing human. A human whose ability to actually feel others emotions & try to help them was being mistaken as co-dependency. A human that has forever been made to feel weak for loving & giving too much. Had my ex paid attention to me like he should have, he'd seen that I never put my own needs on the backburner to cater to others. I catered to others because that's who I am, & then I'd spend time doing me; painting, drawing, photography, reading, laying in silence, etc. I've never put anyone before myself (except my kids & that's not ever going to change). I wear my emotions on my sleeve & am very passionate about them. Not because I'm an erratic spaz, but because I not only carry my own emotions, but I can feel the emotions of others. It's an overwhelming burden sometimes & zaps my energy. This is why I need my me time, to recharge. Not because I'm having some he's going to leave me, what do I do?! co-dependent party.

So thank you, shitty ass therapist. You made Cake grow a backbone & reject being just another misunderstood label. You also helped destroy my marriage by giving an addict a chance to do what addicts do: blame, project, & deny.

I forgive you, uneducated therapist. For it was with your ignorance & enabling that I was able to break free from the chains my mind was under. My dreams are now able to flourish with no strings attached.

I will not be labeled & shoved in a betrayal box. Nor, will I be used, abused, & dehumanized for being an empath.

 

Somewhere
Oh somewhere
To fit in
Alien

 

Did I attract the wrong man or was I attracted to the wrong man? This seems such a circular question; going round and round with arguments in my head.

Was I prey or did I sense a wounded man?

The only certains I know right now, are that I married him completely believing the love I felt for him was 100% reciprocated & that he'd never hurt me. *He's never hurt me physically, just murdered me emotionally. Don't want grown adults starting rumors & such......*

But, was I the prey or the savior? Is there even an answer to that? Probably not, but it might serve as some good self-reflection on my search.

On another note, I'm obviously into some alt-j lately. Like Maynard's writings, I feel like the lyrics speak directly to me. This song isn't my usual pick, but it caught my attention. The love story behind it absolutely took my breath away. Life is so short, yet so beautiful.



The first female war photojournalist Gerard Taro and her significant other Robert Capa, (the most celebrated visual chroniclers of the Spanish civil war) who both died tragically while covering two different wars. Gerda died during the Battle of Brunete of the Spanish Civil War in 1937, while Robert died a few years later while stepping on a land mine in Indochina in 1954.

The song wonderfully captures and envisions their reunion in the afterlife.

‘Left hand grasps what the body grasps not — le photographe est mort.
3.1415, alive no longer my amour, faded for home May of ’54
Doors open like arms my love, Painless with a great closeness
To Capa, to Capa Capa dark after nothing,
re-united with his leg and with you, Taro.’

 

I think....

Your calling is writing.

I think....

I have a story.

Dans des temps de tromperie généralisée, le seul fait de dire la vérité est un acte révolutionnaire

ps. seeing the word ghostwriter makes me irritable, just for future reference

 

vous connaissez gâteau mieux que cela; j'en ai envoyé un il y a 4 mois

Thx on the revision

 

I needed to hear this so much; thank you, sincerely

 

Deception is a lonely place. Intentional deception is even worse.

Finding out your husband was asking girls on gamer sites to show their goods while you were going through grueling in vitro regimes is devastating. Seeing your husband has degraded females on said gamer sites, as you were losing the first ever embryo to give you a positive pregnancy test is even more devastating.

You were left to fall on your own; sobbing and cursing Jesus as he got his rocks off to these gamer chicks & most likely, much more.

Looking back, the negligence & inability to show true concern & empathy was blatantly obvious.

Why was I so blind?

 

I'm not dwelling, I don't think...

It's more of a personal discovery of my inability to see what was right in front of me. To be in this cyclone of deception and just live life as though it was normal to be treated with such hatred.

Still mad at myself. Even though I'll tell you I'm not, I'm really mad at myself.

That's what this boils down to.

Thx for making me come to terms with the thing I've pushed to the very bottom. I see it's finally coming to the surface. This is good; the sooner it's to the surface, the sooner I can move past this hurdle.

 

I've been thinking about this.
It can't be coincidence that the irritation w/ myself has risen this week as I prepare for trial. Having to go through everything over & over reinforces the wtf were you thinking (or not thinking), Cake?!

Your wisdom & words comfort me & give me hope. There's a light at the end of this tunnel & you know your girl will bounce back

Thx, friend. This was a good way to start my day

 

I am, aren't I.....
I'm tired of grieving. Is it just something time heals? Do I have to learn patience for this?

 

How do you do it?!
Every single time; exactly what I need to hear.
This song & I have a date on my bedroom floor tonight for some sobbing & soul searching

I really, really hope this venue thing works out for you. You deserve a life filled with music & happiness.

 

That's the thing... I 100% focus on them. I stockpile this grief for weeks at a time until my cup runneth over & I collapse from shear exhaustion from carrying it around. I know, I know....totally unproductive way to deal with it. I don't really know what to do about it because this divorce is forever bringing up things I'd not had a clue about. I get to a good solid place in my healing & then another shitty realization of what was really going on behind my back appears, knocking the wind out of me every single time. But, those kids I focus on cause me to lock these realizations away until they've grown too big I must break down in a fit of sobs after the kids are asleep.

I just want to grieve, you know? With no new information thrown my way & with no court hearings to be worried about. Just grieving in peace.

He'll never understand what he's lost....

I have always been enemy #1 to him; sad, but true. I'll never understand why...

Thank you for some solid advice
It's much appreciated