How Do I Come to Peace With My Sex Drive?

I started masturbating when I was 11, after I discovered that it would alleviate the built up sexual energy that kept getting stronger and stronger as a pre-teen. Soon after, it became a regular thing, and it has been for the last 15 years of my life.

At first, I didn't think much of it. I would masturbate to alleviate anxiety, stress, depression. I would masturbate when I was bored. I would masturbate to make me sleepy so I wouldn't spend hours trying to fall asleep. I would masturbate so I could rid myself of the constant sexual thoughts I would have. To this day, all these things still hold true.

I lost my virginity when I was 18. After my first (and only) serious relationship ended badly soon after I turned 20 (time when I also started smoking weed, which I quit 3 weeks ago), I was not looking for anything serious for a long while and sex became a very casual thing for me. I've had a lot of sexual partners since, and although it was fun for the time being, although I was very ethical about my approach and although I've learnt a lot about sex, relationships and myself because of it, I am not particularly proud of it and regularly experience guilt when I think back about it, specially as I keep feeling like a slave to my sexual urges.

I have a very high sex drive and its been very hard to come to peace with it. Today is my first day of quitting porn, so that is definitely a step in the right direction. But I wonder what would come next. Even without porn, what's a healthy amount of masturbation? If I'm not in a relationship, how does casual (though intimate) sex tie into all of it (if it doesn't feel wrong)? How should I deal with my daily sexual urges? How should I approach relationships (or should I even have one as long as I haven't dealt with this)?

My hypersexuality has led me to believe that monogamy might not be for me, but then again having several partners hasn't necessarily brought me the satisfaction I've sought it in the past.

Through my research and experiences, I've learnt that monogamy is a choice and that humans (mostly men) are hardwired to be promiscuous. For people who decide to be monogamous, love is the main, if not only, thing that allows them to stay sexually faithful. But faithfulness is subjective and not only sexual. I have met non-monogamous couples that are faithful to each other in the sense that they're completely honest and transparent with each other and they do not do anything outside of the agreed boundaries of their relationship, and they've been living happily together for years. So for both monogamous and non-monogamous couples, love is the constant that allows them to be faithful, whether it be sexually and/or emotionally.

Part of me is led to believe that I cannot possibly decide with clarity what I truly want out of a relationship until I have made peace with my sex drive. Beyond that, I mainly want to rid myself of the daily guilt and have a healthy relationship with myself and with my sexual life. In light of that, I am open to all and any constructive criticism.

 

@RightEffort Thank very much for your reply.

I am indeed pretty transparent about my issues with several people around me; it does help and I'm grateful for their support. However, I do feel like a bummer sometimes as I feel bad about draining their energy with my problems. I have consulted therapists in the past, and their advice has helped me tremendously in going forward with quitting my bad habits. I intend on going back for a consultation very soon.

When it comes to unconditional love and forgiveness, I could use some progress on that end; I tend to be really hard on myself and I tend to hold grudges with people. I've been working on that for years, but feeling like a slave to my bad habits hasn't done me any favours on that end. Now that I've finally taken the initiative to quit them, being kind to and forgiving to myself and to others feels less of a burden. That being said, thank you for pointing it out.

I have been growing more aware of the importance/power of our sexual energy. My sexuality has definitely been bringing me suffering, hence why I've finally decided to quit P for good and to abstain from M for little while. I know that that occasional M is good for our health, so I don't plan to quit it forever, but I definitely wish to rework the relationship I have with it. This is perhaps one of the main areas where I should focus my research on, specially being someone with such a high sexual energy.

I will definitely look into the WIN HOF Method of breathing, although I am already very aware of the power of breathing and I do practice breathing exercises when I feel like I need it. However, I guess the challenge would be to incorporate it as a daily basis, in order to be more proactive than reactive.

Finally, I'm also very aware about my nutrition. Being a multi-sport athlete, nutrition and sleep is primordial for recovery, and I'm sure it has helped me keep sane more than I give it credit for. I practice intermittent fasting whenever my body allows me to (basically whenever I am not injured), I try to eat clean as much as possible and I try to get 8 hours of sleep every night.

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to write this thoughtful reply. You're making me realize that I have all the tools necessary to succeed; all I need is to be patient. Patience has always been my biggest hurdle, but hey, there's no way around it. Better learn how to be patient and good to myself now so I can reap the benefits for the rest of my life.