The lowest day of my life.

Well hello there...
My name is Ezechiel, I am 17 years old and this is my story

(if my story is too long for you, skip to the end, that's the issue everything built up to)

I came in touch with Masturbation pretty early (judging from other storys I've heard). One of my closest friends as a child was a girl called M.
One day, at about 6 years old, we were talking about secondary school; she told me that her mothers favorite subject had been Biology she told me about 'mating'.
I was courious so she "showed" me what it would look like, at least from what she knew.
We pulled down our pants and I put my flacid dick inside of her (I couldn't yet get an errection by that time), we hugged very closely and of course it would always fall out again.
Later at like 7-8 years old she told me about Masturbation and explained me how to do it - I don't know where she knew that from and it wasn't even that efficient, but I figured out the the technique over the years. (Her method might have been healthier than the death-grip )
Of course I went crazy, when I had my first orgasms; I didn't think my dick was ever going to cool down again.
I don't know how old I was when I started to stumble over porn, either way I first saw those nude ads you see all over the interwebz and began to masturbate to those.
I would take my dad's laptop to the bathroom and return to certain pages, because I knew the ads were going to be there.
Then I clicked on the ads and came to a website where you could choose different stuff naked women would then do, before I eventually discovered pornhub.
Over the course of some years I developped the habit of fapping daily, pretty much always to porn; so that became a normal part of my daily life.
At about 14-15 years old I would say I felt the first "real" love, or what I would call something serious for this girl called D and I was pretty sure she liked me too.
Yet, since we only knew each other from a group we went to weekly and didn't visit the same school, that was the only place would see each other.
People started to realize we were flirting and put me under pressure to ask her out.
I had thought about that, but I never dared to do it.
I would select new dates like 1st of january and then 14th of february, but some other factors like things she told about her family or her best friend K (that I couldn't really stand) kept me from doing asking her to be my girlfriend. (I later read on the internet that's just a movie thing and doesn't happen in reallife ^^)
My interest in her slowly started fading more and more.
Then another girl (J) started visiting the group every week, that I knew from years ago, when she was interested in me, but I just didn't even care about girls back then.
This time I looked at her in another way and I started liking her.
Around my 16th birthday, I left for an exchange year abroad.
In a month or so people told me that D would now have a boyfriend way older than her and it kind of proved me a concern I had had, that she was emotionally dependant.
At the same time I was happy we didn't come together, because I thought to myself: "what if I had lost interest after a year of being together...Good thing we didn't come together in first place".
Anyway I chatted a lot with J and my best friend N (forgot to mention that M had moved away) told me about a conversation he had had with her, giving me hope she was still interested in me even after my rejection and all those years passed.
Back to my masturbation habits:
Since I had my own (lockable) room, with infinite acess to paper towels (that I didn't have in my homecountry), I now fapped to porn daily.
I had always known about NoFap and even tried it once for a total of 22 days, then never again.
My big brother being my role model, I always looked for a long relationship; having a one-year-thing during my year abroad was never an option, even tho I had the possibilitys.
Also, I found it to be shady having a girlfriend (or whatever relationship status) for a year and then as soon as you return as another girl out.
You could say I kept myself free for J.
As soon as I returned from my exchange, I turned 17.
Since I still had holidays left in my country, I didn't stay for longer than 2 weeks and then left for another 2 for vacation to a camp with a group I knew J was going to be in. (Don't worry, I didn't go there just for her, I go to that camp every year - J and I actually met there).
To my surprise J didn't go that year.
Instead I met H and L, two very nice girls that were best friends.
H and I got closer over the course of the two weeks, nothing forced nothing planned and somehow on our way back, we ended up cuddling on the bus.
I forgot about J and continued seeing H for more weeks, until I eventually kissed her and we decided to be a couple.
Since then some months have passed.
Most of our family members know each other, we see each other many times a week and almost every weekend.
I had had a plan for longer already, to stop masturbating as soon as I had my first girlfriend, so my lust would build up and sex would be something special (since orgasms had become pretty lame over the years).
Of course I didn't keep that up, but at least I didn't watch porn.
I made the first move getting intimate and even tho I had heard satisfying a woman was complicated I figured it out the first time (thank you internet).
I then wanted to quit masturbation for good with the beginning of 2019, with approve of H, that was exited to be my only "pleasure source".
Again I didn't keep that up for longer than 3 weeks...
Up until last weekend we kept it to Hands and mouths included, but we decided to have sex and bought both condoms and lube.
We talked about how we would wanna do it, but she said that she didn't want to plan (meaning she didn't want to pin down a date when it was going to happen, it should happen by itself).

So last friday we were at a birthday party, we drank a little and had fun.
Since it was closer to my home, I took her to my place.
We made out, I ate her out, she went down on me and for the first time in our relationship, we were both completely naked on top of each other.
It felt great; in that moment I was super horny and could have gone for it.
She didn't want to, but told me her parents wouldn't be home saturday (I knew what it meant).
Since she had stuff to do and I had an appointment, she left to her place and I was going to join her in the evening.
I masturbated after she left, since I thought it would help me last longer in the evening.
On the way to her, I kind was still pretty tired of friday night and felt that it wasn't going to go well, but we still ended up in bed, foreplay you know it, but after I came back up, my dick just wasn't hard... I asked her to give it a s u c c, which made it hard, but as soon as I put on a condom, it shrinked down again...
I normally don't get emotional very fast (not even when family members die - not that I don't care, I just don't feel sadness), but in that situation I started crying. She tried to cheer me up, that it wasn't a problem, that it happened. Then she cried...
I felt like crap.
I know good enough not to blame it on myself, but I also know, that I will have to deal with her complexes from now on.
She will blame it on herself, think I don't love her, nor find her attractive...

Well that's that. First time in bed with a girl that wants to make sweet love to me, inches from her vagina, but I just don't get a boner. It sucks.

I am aware there are way worse storys to find on this forum, but for me having erectile disfunction struggles at 17 is something I would never have imagined...

Anyways, respect to you if you made it to this point, thank you for your attention, I will gladly accept your comments.
If I missed anything important, ask me whatever you need to know.

 

Well the reasons I relapsed this year and after the 22 days when I first tried it, were the same.
I thought I could masturbate without finishing it (edging), which went well for a certain time until I eventually still had an orgasm...

So right now I try to not even touch my dick for anything other than going to the toilet and shower.

I also have some "emergency" source on my phone for when I'm about to relapse, consisting of:

-A little story I wrote after my last relapse, about why I want to abstain.

-A photo of myself when I went to the bathroom on saturday.

-A list of things I could do to interveine the urges:

• meditate (I read that it's powerful to embrace yourself to the urge, but to watch it go away, yet for beginners very dangerous)
• workout (If you flex any muscle in your body for 60 seconds straight, you loose any boner you have. Also it changes your mind)
• Call somebody or talk to somebody (Idealy my girlfriend)
• Pin down a feeling (Another thing I've read, since I'm not really a meditation guy this one is probs not going to help either)
• Take a walk around the block (changes your mind too
• listen to good (or rather bad?) music
• breathe in certain rhytms (kind of meditation again)
• eat IceCubes
• take a hot/cold shower