CowardlyLion’s Relationship Reboot Journal

Day 245
My partner suggested I take a break from NoFap for a few days in order to clear my head over a couple of things. After the fight with my mom continued she said some nasty things about my girl. So I defended her. For the first time in my life I defended someone other than myself. I want to be an adult, so I'm going to have to step it up in order to do so. I applied for a bunch of jobs. Our plan is to save up as much money as possible and get the hell out of this entire state. We are just going to go somewhere else. We essentially eloped, so my girlfriend has now become my wife. The past few days have been very emotional for the both of us. I've been trying to keep her feeling safe, but it's rough. I only have about $90 in the bank. I don't have a job yet. I have a quarter tank of gas. I have a training for a security license tomorrow that is going to cost me $45. We've started gathering some things from around the house to sell. A lot of my old games and a lot of my wife's things. I hate watching her go through all her things. I hate that she feels she needs to sell stuff to be safe. But she doesn't really mind. It doesn't effect her as much as it effects me.
After I finish the security course, I'm going to need to pay $90 in order to get finger-printed. So I need that money before I can even get the job. I applied to a few security jobs that don't require a license as well as some other jobs. But I can't just sit here and wait for the whole interview, hiring, orientation, 2 week later paycheck.
I'm not going to give up. I just hate my options.

 

Day 272
Just had a little discussion with the wife. She thought it would be a good idea to update this journal with everything that's going on. I don't know if I mentioned before that we essentially eloped, but we did. Wearing my wedding ring has been one of the best experiences I've ever had. I love reminding myself that I am her husband.
I started working with a sponsor who I would consider to be one of the best in the country. He's got 70+ sponsees. Working with him has been really helpful so far.
I've been spending a lot of time looking for a job these past few weeks. I've had a few interviews that went well enough. I was hired to a position today that I might take. But I've got a few more interviews lined up.
We've had a couple of important relationship conversations over these last few weeks. We have decided to let my wife be in charge of the amount of touching, cuddling, and kissing that we do. This way she can do what she's comfortable with when she wants to and not have to worry about me pushing her to do something she doesn't want to do. So far it's been going pretty well. I've also been keeping up with the lists I've been making and being consistent in my behaviors. All of this has led the past few weeks going very well for us. There have been some ups and downs but overall it's been pretty well.

Going to be continuing along this path and will update as I go along.

 

Day 274
Yesterday was a fine enough day. There were a few moments that my wife was struggling with, but I think we got through it fine enough. My brother told me he wanted to have more of a relationship with her, so I had them exchange numbers and they began talking a little bit. It did make her realize how isolated she was here though. It depressed her a little bit, but we talked about ways that we could start to socialize some more. We're going to try and find ways of making new friends. It's such a strange thing to try and do as adults. Most of the friends I've made in my life have been the result of manipulation. This was the only way I knew how to exist when I was growing up. I could always get people to like me by being the exact person they wanted me to be. It was so easy. But in the end, I became someone I didn't even recognize. And then I continued to be that fake person with my wife. It wasn't until I started my recovery that I began to break down the fake walls I put up and tore off my mask.

Growing into an actual person isn't an easy task. But it's an incredibly important part of being in recovery. We need to recognize the person we were before. We need to look at which of those traits we like about ourselves and which of those we despise. Being a real person means we get to choose who we really are. Not pretend, but actually choose. We can make the right choices moving forward in our lives. And the more we act in the ways we want to act, the better we will become. Likewise, if we act in ways we truly do not wise to act, we will become that which we despise.

I know who I want to be and I know who I am. This was never the case in my entire life. Now, I take the actions of the man I want to be. Even when it's hard. Even when I mess up and make a mistake. And I slowly crawl towards the goal of being someone I can look at in the mirror with pride. I never want to have to stare into the mirror and see shame and disgust looking back at me. And when I change myself for the better, the people in my life improve as well. It's a win-win. Why live any other way?

 

Day 279
It's time to get back to the daily journal posting. My wife was upset to see that I hadn't been posting daily. So I've added it to my "Nighttime To-Do List". I've started two separate spiral notepads, after being told probably a hundred times by my wife that if I wasn't remembering things well, I should be writing them down. I have one list which remains next to wherever I go to sleep at night. On that list it has my "Morning To-Do List" and my "Nighttime To-Do List". These lists correspond to an alarm I've set on my phone for each. Normally, my 6 AM alarm is titled "CHECK MORNING LIST" and my 9 PM alarm is titled "CHECK NIGHT LIST". So far this has worked pretty well for me. The time of the morning alarm can change, but it depends on what my wife and I decide the night before. It's important that I'm able to wake up on time, consistently. If we don't discuss it ahead of time, I'm expected to be awake at 6 AM.

These are my current lists:

Daily List
- Get up on time. This includes being out of the bed and dressed.
- Daily recovery reading.
- DSR (if time permits)
- Pray
- Exercise
- Be mindful not to pick at your own wounds.
- Check "Running To-Do List"
- Call [SPONSOR] at 9 AM on Sundays.

Nightly List
- Take evening medication.
- Is tomorrow trash day?
- Pray
- Is there an SA/SAA telemeeting?
- Did [WIFE] take her medication?
- Did you pick at your wounds today?
- Post in NoFap journal.
- Turn all electronics off 1 hour before bedtime.


So far, I've been doing a fair job at this. Yesterday morning I didn't get up on time. I've also been slacking when it comes to exercise. For those who aren't familiar, the DSR is a daily phone-call for members of SA. It's the Daily Sobriety Renewal. We take turns answering questions and acknowledge that for today we are going to do everything in our power to stay sober. The wound picking thing is something I'm trying to stop for a few reasons. Sometimes my wounds get infected. That's obviously not a good thing. Also, seeing my open wounds can trigger my wife's phobia, which is also a pretty bad thing. It's a compulsion I've struggled with for most of my life, which is why it isn't something I'm being FORCED to stop doing. But I am trying to be mindful of it as best I can. By reminding myself in the morning and reflecting during the night, I'm hoping I can pay more attention to those times that I find myself reaching to pick at a wound.

I've been working with my sponsor for a few weeks now and he's a really great guy. It's no wonder so many people ask him to be their sponsor. He told me it was really rare that he actually asks someone else if they want him to be their sponsor. That's something he did with me. He really lets me know that I'm supposed to value myself and that other people value me. Something that's sad that my wife has noticed is that he treats me in the way that she's always wanted to be treated. She never really asked for anything too crazy in this relationship. She reminded me today that she wanted to learn how to ballroom dance. I wrote it down in my "Running To-Do List". That is where my long-term goals and important chores get listed. I do my best to see how many of the chores I can get done on a particular day. I also look over the things that are important "eventuallys".

I've started a slow decrease of my psych medication. I can definitely feel it effecting me in a few different ways. I hope I'm going to improve. I don't really feel like myself lately. And I haven't been feeling very intimate lately either...which is INSANE to say, coming from a sex addict. I'm usually pretty hard-up for sex. I'm hoping this mental stuff gets straightened out soon.

I'm going to do my best to remain as on top of things as possible. Consistency is key to personal growth. I'll be starting my new job soon, and as my sponsor says that's going to be 40 LESS hours a week I have to work on myself. I need to be sure I'm keeping up my personal growth in all areas. I'm just hoping being employed again also give me the self-worth boost I'm looking for.

 

Day 280
It was a pretty good day overall. There was a bit of an upset with my partner and I when we realized we were pretty low on money. My job orientation doesn't start for another two days. However, after a little bit of time of thinking about things, we ended up coming back together and being alright. At some point, the two of us decided to cuddle and ended up falling asleep. I woke up sometime later, crawled out of bed and went to do some work on my computer. When my wife woke up she was missing me and called out to me. It was a wonderful feeling. I talked with her for a bit, did some more work, and then we ate dinner. She went back to sleep and I watched a show on Netflix before heading to bed myself. Overall, the day was a pretty good day. I'm still adjusting to my medication and it's still absolutely freezing. But I can't wait to start my new job and make some money again. I feel like a failure as a husband right now. While it's not about the money itself, it's important for a man to do hard work. Otherwise, we just go insane. I will update later tonight with how the day goes.

 

Day 281
Not a bad day overall. Had been working on hacking our old Wii system so we could play some games together and then started to clean out this old room in the apartment. I got a call from my potential job telling me I failed the background check and I started freaking out. It didn't make sense to me. I called the number they gave me for an appeal and it turned out I actually didn't fail the check. I called my job back and let them know. Turned out the person who put in my hired application wasn't aware that my position also required a drug test. So I got that all squared away, but I'm not sure what's going to happen with orientation just yet.
Had a little bit of an up-and-down night after that. I finished the cleaning we started, and the dust really got to both me and my wife. She was a little upset as well after spending some time on the SO forum here. We talked about it for a bit, but pretty much let the conversation die and started focusing on some other issues.
I had a few sexual dreams last night. They all involved my wife. That's not a problem, but it made me miss the intimacy. We haven't really had any in a while and I know it's because of me. I'm wondering how much of it is Intimacy Anorexia, if that's any of it at all. In order to cope with the betrayal, my wife has had to do a lot of detaching, which makes it hard for her to want to be intimate with me as well. Right now, my main goal is to continue to work hard and be the man who I'm proud to be. I want my wife to respect me and desire me. Then I can focus on the intimacy. I'm tired of being absent from the life I want to be living.

 

Day 282
Pretty crappy day overall. I went and did my drug test for work. That was fine enough. Came home and ate some lunch. Wife got pretty upset again because of the lack of money. It's understandable, since she doesn't feel secure. And honestly, she's right. I've got 3 packs of Ramen left...that's probably all I have to eat until some money clears. I am NOT going to borrow money from my parents anymore. I've gone so long without having to. I need this damn job to start already. Tomorrow was supposed to be orientation for me...but I don't know what's going on right now.
I know it will be fine in the end. It's just crappy right now. But I've got to hang in there.

 

Day 283
Things are going a bit better. We managed to sell something for a pretty decent amount of cash while we're waiting on my job to get back to me. We went to try and get my oil changed in my car, but the service center stopped doing oil changes 30 minutes before we got there. We drove home and it was a nice enough drive. We spent some time apart, doing our own thing, before coming back together for a bit of cuddling. My wife started getting sleepy, so I let her go to sleep but she told me she'd like it if I slept in the same room with her. So I set up my little camp and stayed up for a little while longer while she slept, and then I went to bed with her. We woke up pretty early this morning, did some more cuddling and then we went and took a shower together. For once the damn water wasn't ice.
I'm going to be doing some Step Work for my sponsor today and trying to get that oil change taken care of finally. Then I'm going to see about driving for Uber so that I can try and pocket some extra cash while I wait for the job to sort things out.

 

Day 284 & Day 285
Pretty nice couple of days. Yesterday I ended up driving for Uber. I made about $50 in about 2 hours, which wasn't bad at all. Prior to that my wife and I were having a pretty tough day. We were talking about my problem with video games and how I've been slipping with the power they have over me and the amount of attachment I have to them. We went to the car dealership to get my oil changed and my wife was a little triggered by a few things but we moved past it. After I finished with Uber, I came home and we had a large dinner. It was really nice and we went to bed happy.
Today we spent most of the day at my mother's house. We had a fine time, ate some dinner and watched some TV. My wife enjoyed meeting the new dog my mother has. We just really enjoyed our time together today and she's been incredibly happy to have me around. I'm incredibly grateful and I know it's the result of me working hard. We've been communicating better as well.
Tomorrow I'm planning to do some more driving for Uber and if my new job doesn't call me tomorrow I'm going to reach out to them on Tuesday.

 

Day 286
Not too bad of a day, even though not much got done. We were waiting for some money to clear so we could go out and get a few things done. Unfortunately, the money didn't clear so we spent most of the day doing nothing. All things considered, it wasn't a terrible day. My wife was feeling pretty poorly physically, so I had her lay down for most of the day. We did a bit of talking about my gaming and came to a nice agreement. I did end up falling asleep before this discussion, and when my wife asked me if I was sleeping, I jolted up immediately and said "Nope! I wasn't sleeping!" without even thinking. She was mad, because I obviously was sleeping but my initial reaction was to just deny it. We talked though and I admitted that I wasn't even thinking and it was a really bad response on my part. We spent most of the day apart, but it was still a really good day for the both of us. Something that my wife brought up before I went to sleep was that I hadn't told my sponsor about a few things that happened to me as a child. Mostly because I was embarrassed about them. She suggested that I wasn't being completely honest with him and was a bit worried if I was taking my recovery seriously and trusting my sponsor the way I said I was. I agreed that I was embarrassed about talking about it, but that it was important for him to know everything that could have started my addictive cycle. I'm going to send him an email immediately after this post and let him know. It's important that I trust him and tell him everything. Otherwise recovery will not be easy, if possible at all. We went to bed happy though and I'm incredibly grateful for that.

 

Day 287
It wasn't a bad day overall. I was having a hard time mentally, suffering from a little bit of DPDR as a result of too much caffeine, too much anxiety, and a large amount of fluorescent light. We had meant to go food shopping, but I wasn't feeling too well and neither was my wife. We ended up going home and I got underneath my weighted blanket and fell asleep.
I woke up a few hours later. My wife and I talked for a bit before she ended up going to sleep. I stayed up playing some games for a while. I ended up going to bed pretty late after tossing around for a bit. Wasn't a very exciting day, but that's not always a bad thing. Lesson I learned was to NOT overindulge with caffeine. ESPECIALLY if you have an anxiety disorder.

 

Day 288
Went out and got some food shopping done. Came home and did a bit of research, ending up watching one of John Gottman's videos. It gave me a lot of information that I appreciated. My mother stopped by the house in order to have her boyfriend cut down a tree that was pulling on our power lines. After that it started to snow. It was supposed to be a blizzard apparently. It wasn't much though.
After I went back in the house I watched a bit more of a Gottman video before my wife came into the room and wanted to play a game with me. We played some Mario Brothers for a while before trying a few different games. She ended up getting tired so I put her to bed. I ended up eating a snack and then heading to bed next to her. It was overall a pretty nice day.

 

Day 289
Pretty poor day overall. I did a few things around the house and had a nice morning with my wife. Tried to get a lot of different things done on the computer. Eventually I went out and drove for Uber, but only had 1 fare. I came home after driving and talked with my wife for a little bit but she got upset thinking about how she looks and how she doesn't feel beautiful enough. It's made the rest of the night pretty crappy because we both went to bed feeling like crap. I know tomorrow will be another day. I'm going to keep working my program and not let my recovery suffer anymore.

 

Day 290 & Day 291
Had two days of pretty much just driving for Uber. I was trying to make $130 so that I could get something my wife really wanted. I ended up making that, plus $50 that I used in gas, so all together, it wasn't too bad. I ran out last night to try and make another $20, so that we could get some extra fast food. It was pretty good once it was all done, but I wasted a lot of time driving far away from home. I attended my in person SA meeting which was nice. I haven't been to the Saturday morning meeting in a while, so it was nice to see familiar faces. There was a man there, who is about 60 years old, and he broke down crying hysterically because he was getting sent away to an institution. It made me look at the way this addiction destroys everything, no matter how old we get. We need to keep attending our meetings. We need to keep doing our work. Otherwise, our lives will be for nothing.

 

Day 292
Day was pretty bad. I wasn't on the top of my game. My wife was hoping I would have been motivated to go out and do some Uber driving. I was feeling pretty crappy and I didn't suggest it. After she brought it up, of course I immediately said I would. But I was also being incredibly defensive. I realize that I was playing the self-pity and victimization card in my head and acting like she was the one who was wrong. I ended up going out and making a pretty decent amount of money thanks to the Super Bowl. I got home kind of late, she was in bed and wasn't feeling too negative towards me. I was glad that I ended up going out, but I wish I had done it on my own. I want to be proactive. I need to make sure that I keep moving in the right direction, not backsliding. I want my life to improve, not go back to how it was. And I definitely don't want it worse than it was before. It's important that I remember I have a very simple job. Make my wife feel safe and secure. It doesn't help when she suggests I get something done that requires work and I drag my feet. But as soon as she suggests I relax or play a video game, I jump right on it, no questions asked. And then I gave her the excuse "well, you told me I should". But again, I only use that when it's convenient for me. So I need to bring that to the light. I need to recognize my behavior so I can change it.

 

Day 293 & Day 294
The days are getting worse. Just horrible days. I'm not helping my wife at all. I'm just a fucking disaster. My head hurts. I'm exhausted. But I'm making it all about me. She's right. It's all about me. I feel like I'm fucking drowning over here in my own self-pity and self-hatred.

I can't STAND listening to her cry. But I just keep making her cry. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. And when I open my mouth, I'm just making things worse. I HATE THIS. I want to scream. I'm so damn angry at myself. I just WANT HER TO FEEL LOVED. BUT I MADE IT SO SHE DOESN'T FEEL LOVED.

The thoughts in my head are just horrible. I want to scream at this addiction. This addiction isn't even a thing. I want to beat it. Physically destroy it. HURT IT. Hurt it like I hurt everything else in my life.

PLEASE GOD. Just make her happy. Make me miserable. Honestly, make my life a living hell. Take everything away from me. But please just make her happy.

 

Thank you. I definitely appreciate that. And thank you for the kind words as well.

 

Day 295, Day 296, & Day 297
I have been doing a lot of work these past few days in order to turn my behavior around. I increased my medication back to it's regular amount. I'm not sure if the effects were psycho-somatic or not, but I felt pretty clear-headed a few hours after. I made an amends to my wife and explained how all of the things I had been doing were unacceptable. I did not make any empty sorry's or promises. I simply explained what I had been doing and why it was wrong. Our conversation went well enough and my wife was pleased with it. She wasn't throwing her arms around me or anything like that, which I didn't expect of course, but she was pleased. After that I continued to use my momentum to work hard around the house. At the end of the day, my wife was much more pleased with me.
The next day was a pretty good day as well. It started off poorly, my wife was feeling incredibly insecure and was discussing problems with her eating disorder. I deflected by trying to make a joke about something she said. I don't like her to be starving herself. But I ended up making an amends, seriously talking with her, and supporting her so that she wouldn't feel weak. I helped her eat some things that she didn't feel guilty about and things began to improve from there. I did a lot of work around the house and did some of my step work. It was great to reflect on myself during this time, since I've felt like there was a cloud over my mind. Again, I'm not sure if it was the decrease in medication, but that's what I'm banking on. I pushed through my step work, got all of my laundry done and folded and spent some nice time with my wife. Her feelings toward me were improving. I was really glad that by the time we went to bed at night, she told me she loved me.
Yesterday, I continued with the momentum. I've been consistently getting up on time, which has been a part of my self-improvement plan. My wife was a little bit on edge and stressed out. She snapped at me a few times, but I looked past that and decided to help out with what was stressing her. I helped organize the cabinets and put away some dishes from the dishwasher. I found out a company that we had sold some things to was a little bit shady, so I did some digging and found out who their CEO was, found him on LinkedIn, and sent him a message. My wife was very impressed with that initiative. After that I put our last $15 into gas and went out to drive for Uber. I made the gas money back plus about $30. I wanted to prepare for the next two days, since Saturday and Sundays are great driving days. Again, my wife was very happy with me. Simply because of the effort I was putting forward. I love her and I want her to feel safe. That is my only goal right now. Last night, we kissed before bed. She asked for the kiss.
So I'm going to continue with this today. I need to work hard for my wife and for my sake. I'm keeping up with my medication dosage. I will not slack off. I like my life a lot better when I do these things. I like my life a lot better this way, when things make us happy.

 

Day 298, Day 299, & Day 300
Another busy couple of days. Saturday I did some more work for Uber and made about a hundred bucks. Wife was pleased with my work ethic. On Sunday night I stayed out until about 1:30 AM driving around, didn't make too much but I made a decent enough amount for the time I drove for. My wife and I had a few ups and downs, but overall it was alright. My wife ordered a USB dance pad and sent me some links to Stepmania songs, since she thought it would be a fun way for us to get a little exercise together. We've been playing a little bit, even though I suck compared to how I was in high school. My wife has been getting a laugh though.
Today I had my job orientation. It went well enough. I'm set to train a few days this week, so it's going to be busy. My wife was happy to have me home, but about 10 minutes after I walked in the door I said something insensitive and it really upset my wife. I felt so horrible, I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. We went out in order to get a little bit of shopping done and things kind of smoothed over on their own by the time we got home. I put her down for bed and went to watch a little bit of TV. I was laying in bed a little while ago and my wife called me into the room. She was feeling really sick so I brought her a garbage pail and ran out to the 24 hour pharmacy. I picked up some medicine for her, but by the time I came back she had vomited. So I'm sitting over here and going to watch over her for a bit. She seems to be feeling better now that it's all out of her, but I hate seeing her feel so sick. Hopefully the medicine kicks in soon and she'll be able to get a nice peaceful sleep.
I'm proud to be able to take responsibility of my husband duties. I'm going to be sure I'm present for my wife and make sure she feels completely taken care of. It's the least I can do for her.