Giving up the reigns.

My husband wants to get rid of the accountability software. He says I need to let go of the reigns. Our conversation spiraled into argument fueled by suspicious passion on his part. He claims it’s not a real relationship and I have all the power. I just want to protect myself from wasting more time in a relationship where my husband isolates, expends his sexual energy in front of a screen and leaves me in the dark.

The argument escalated into a diatribe where he villainized me for not letting him have friends. This is when he shares that women coworkers have invited him to hang out outside of work and that he’s having a going away party at work which he had decided to keep a secret from me until now. This does not inspire much confidence from me, especially in light of my concern he will hide things from me. For the record I encourage him to hang out with the guy friends he has and even try to get him to make more guy friends. Yet it’s too convenient for his proclivity towards pity parties and gaslighting that his career field is predominantly women and I am the scapegoat for him not spending time with friends outside of work.

And then at one point when I rebelled as he was trying to bulldoze me, he physically asserted himself in a position over me. (Previously we were both laying in bed talking.) That plus calling me a c*nt and after I told him I was through talking to him he decided to bring up my mom. I have now left the room.

So that was unacceptable and I’m wondering how far to read into the fact that his fight for independence snowballed directly into him blaming me for not getting to spend time with other women (“friends.”)

And all this while I’m still trying to recover trust after the trauma of discovering in September that he had ongoing cyber affairs and lies during the whole duration of my marriage.

We were doing well but I was starting to wonder if we hit a plateau. Smack. And now here’s a ravine...

 

Exactly!

Another thing I forgot to mention when distilling my frustrations last night... During the mix of him complaining about accountability software he asked me if I was having an affair "because when people get really suspicious it often means that they are having an affair." Projecting projecting? Ughhh Stupid DARVO

He adamantly said he's never cheated on me. (In real life, mind you.) I told him that doesn't mean a lot considering if he had cheated on me he would NEVER tell me. The only ways I've learned of his transgressions in the past is by detective work. He has lied to my face relentlessly in the past.

Ugh it is disconcerting to drag up all these concerns again. I don't want to be the paranoid "controlling" wife that he's painting me as..... but on some level I know it's a manipulation. Or a delusion. Or both. He says "I don't like having to tell people at work I can't hang out because my wife doesn't like me to spend time with other women." Good to know that he's still villainizing me to other people. I'm sure he won't take initiative to tell them WHY I don't like it and what HE did to foster this environment. There's really no reason to throw me under the bus at all. Why wouldn't he just say "No thanks, I need to spend some time with my family."

 

Yes! Thank you! I'm so tired of him making me the bad guy.

 

I think this stems from him feeling powerless and trying to put that on me.

Probably goes back to his narcissistic selfishness and lack of empathy to how this affects me. He has the emotional memory/humility of a goldfish it seems.

Yes, it's terrible. Today he sent me a random link as if nothing had happened. So I respond:
"Are you just pretending last night didn’t happen? Things are not okay. Your behavior towards me last night was unacceptable."

He responds:"I'm allowed to have friends. I'm allowed to privacy. I'm allowed to ask for reasons and explanation for things I don't agree with. I said mean things last night and I'm sorry for that but I want to not feel like I'm not allowed to have friends. I like spending time with friends. You are allowed that. I am too."

I have not responded to him yet. I don't really want to waste energy messaging him right now.

Yes, that's how I imagine he should respond. Again, empathy-less selfish goldfish.

I am concerned. Not sure if it's indicative of him up to something bad or if he's indulging in narcissistic behavior. Or both.

 

You know I did present him with this hypothetical last night. He was very dismissive. Said that if I was engaged in similar online sexual behaviors throughout our marriage it would have been merely a single conversation. As if my reaction to this whole thing has been over the top. It makes me feel like he doesn't really care all that much. Detached much, indeed.

He is adamantly against groups or things that involve "higher power". (Not something he and I share in common since I am Christian). He went to a counselor for a few weeks but I don't think that did any bit of good. (I'm suspect he villainized me to the therapist.) His general mentality has been that he simply resolves to stop behavior -- and it seems like he has for the past few months. But history does teach me that things are not always as they seem.

 

Ha! That would be astounding! Certainly an amusing concept!