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Is this OK instead of PORN and FAP?

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by DannyO, Feb 19, 2019.

  1. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    About a year ago I found NoFap and it was very helpful to read the info on the site. I was very shy and did not post my feelings, mostly just reading the info. I felt I could stop my frequent use of porn and daily fapping on my own. I really cut down but could not quite give it up altogether. I know I felt better and functioned better when I did that stuff less. I got a job (my first real job) and my own apartment, and I think my mental attitude about myself once I got better control over fapping helped with all that. But I just could not stop fapping altogether, though I did give up porn completely. I thought about seeking help from Nofap but as I said I was shy to write about myself. Instead, I did confide and discuss this with a friend. Not one of my closest friends though, but a neighbor in the complex of studio apartments where I live. He is very easy to talk to, and a few years older than me. He got interested in the idea and he read a lot about it too. As we both understood it, getting fapped by someone else is OK. I am not gay but I believe he is at least bi. When I confided that I was about to give in one day and get myself off, he offered to Fap me if I needed it. I was pretty reluctant, but I decided to give it a try. It was very satisfying and became a habit. He would drop by on certain nights when I needed it. I would put a porch light on as a signal which he could see from his studio. He would come over, and i would be in bed, and he woud do both me and himself. It was not reciprocal. I actually for the first time completely stopped Fapping totally! I did not feel this was morally wrong or anything and I was functioning pretty well and not feeling anxious and depressed or self-critical anymore. But then, not long ago, when I was lying back while he was taking care of me, he gave me oral sex. It surprised me but it really felt good. I did not stop him and now I really look forward to these sessions. But I have been feeling bad lately, because I think he wants me to be feeling things toward him that I do not and never will feel. I really don't know, (1) is the mutual M OK instead of FAP? and (2) should I stop him from the oral sex? He never asked me to reciprocate anything, and he knows I am not gay. I have even told him we can never be more than good friends.
     
  2. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    makes sense... thanks
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  3. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    It kinda sounds like you are using him to satisfy your addictive need to get that dopamine hit...and justifying it by saying that you don't reciprocate. If you have confided in this person other feelings as well as your sexual struggles than it is natural to feel that intimacy and sex is the natural outcome of intimacy. But if you are still using this as a way to avoid dealing with your emotions, then I would say it is just perpetuating your addiction.

    The hard part with sex is that it is a natural part of humanity intended to express intimacy in a relationship, But if I am using it to numb or avoid then it becomes problematic. anywho, that is my two cents. Either way it kinda seems like you a leading a dude on and you are headed for messy dangerous waters if you don't do something intentional to stop it or embrace it.
     
    4DCreator likes this.
  4. ImpureHuman

    ImpureHuman Fapstronaut

    It's upto you to see the moral side. If it made a conflict in your mind you should just avoid the whole thing. You may be seeking another way to get the sensation-pleasure-reward in a greater degree I think.
     
  5. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    The fact that you posted this under the "problematic sexual behaviour" section kinda speaks volumes avout whether or not this habit is indeed "okay".
     
  6. You dont realize this but your neighbor is molesting you.

    This is an older man taking advantage of a younger man sexually.

    In 10 years or less you will look back and see this.
     
  7. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    All I can really say is that when people engage in sexual activity over time one tends to devolp feelings for one another. If both agree then it can be a very pleasurable and romatical time. But if only one has feelings and the other person does not then it can start getting really wierd and one should either stop or set rules.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    No, he's just 4 years older than me. Thanks for the thought though.
     
    Gmork likes this.
  9. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    Maybe the right and fair thing is to reciprocate, even though I'm not into it.
     
  10. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    This is beside the point. How much have you read about addiction? Your addict is saying what about this way?

    I went throu a period where i would use objects to masturbate and justify it by saying it was not my hand. Totally ridiculous. Point is it is common for men to justify acting out sexually by doing something slightly different. And one common way men act out in marriage is same sex porn or prostitutes. If you want out of the addiction you need to go without your drug.
     
    need4realchg and fiddler like this.
  11. Mate - you are gettting tugged off and now blow jobs from a guy as a substitute for porn. If you are not gay or not bisexual (and there is nothing wrong if you are) this is absolutely a substitution and escalation of behaviour.

    Infact even if you were gay or bi (again there is no issue with that) i'd stilp tell you to walk away from it all and have a period of abstinence.
     
    Harrynak and fiddler like this.
  12. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    I just turned 23 two days ago.
     
  13. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    There is so much good advice that has been given, both on this thread and separately in private conversations. It is hard to digest it all as a lot of the advice is directly opposite to other advice. Yet is all seems sensible to me in its own way. I know I have to have more conversations with my buddy, especially about trying to figure out what our relationship is and what he expects from it. I am not sure I can separate the idea of whether it is a sex experience or a sex addiction. I know I have totally stopped masturbating and viewing porn, and that I enjoy what we are doing. Someone in a private conversation here, asked whether I might not prefer giving anal sex rather than oral sex if I decided to reciprocate. I had not thought of that, but that idea really seemed to click and I would personally enjoy doing it more and feel better about it if that is something my friend would like too. Giving oral sex or a hj would just be a chore but I am really excited about the idea of actually f-ing him but I guess the first step is to have a conversation. I think I will wait one more day before talking to him so I can mull all this over. Just one more thing -- about whether or how much I might be "using" him just to feel good. I wouldn't want to do that and I think the conversation is important to straighten all that out. Let me say I do care about him as a person and feel kindly concern about him and his welfare. He is a good guy, and is becoming a close friend. I think a lot of sexual relationships are built on a lot less interpersonal concern than this. I will meditate on this tonight -- probably for most of the night. Always happy for input, and thank you to all who have read and commented.
     
    frankpyle likes this.
  14. 4DCreator

    4DCreator Fapstronaut

    Is this not gay? Am I missing something? I am not saying that there is something wrong with being gay but I am a man and I can't even watch another man naked in porn because it makes me sort of disgusted. And here we talk about blowjob between man and anal intercourse (enjoying it) without being gay? Is that actually possible?
     
    Harrynak and Deleted Account like this.
  15. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Logic Error detected.
    Reconsider life.
     
  16. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the comment. I guess I am starting to realize I have bisexual interests. But I think the original statement I made about not being gay is still accurate.
     
  17. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing. I guess I am more bisexual than you are. It never bothered me to see or be around, men naked, even though I can't honestly say it is much of a turn-on. Have not watched very much gay porn so can't say if it would disgust me to do so but I doubt it.
     
  18. DannyO

    DannyO Fapstronaut

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    Well, thank you for trying to help. I am sorry that I disappoint you.
     
  19. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    Just as long as both you and this guy are happy about it, this seems perfectly fine to me
     
  20. WalkingForward

    WalkingForward Fapstronaut

    On the basis that I don't see anything wrong with it. If this neighbor had been a girl, this would have seemed fine, I don't think it's different just because he's a guy.
     
    DannyO and Gmork like this.

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