45M, new to NoFap, going Normal Mode

Never thought I'd be here... But thinking about it in hindsight it makes so much damned sense.

Trigger Warnings: I'm telling my story and it involves sex and I work in a garage where cussing is used like punctuation. I'll try to go easy on both though.

My story:

Being 45, I didn't have high speed internet until I was over 20. But it seems so obvious to me now that it became a way bigger part of my life than was ever going to be healthy for a man to have.

I was a popular and athletic kid. Smart and from a good supportive family. Sex wasn't ever discussed, but it wasnt a forbidden taboo. I had girlfriends and most of the usual milestones that a young boy growing up in the suburbs would have had.

My first exposure to porn was in the form of dirty magazines. They weren't easy to come by, but some kids dad's had hidden stashes and some of the older kids at cub camp had it too. It made me want it so bad, yearned for it in truth, but I had no means to get any for myself (likely a very good thing) and even if I had my own porn stash I'd have never been able to keep it away from a mom who cleaned the whole house scrupulously thoroughly every weekend. This was also the age of VHS porn and the tapes were starting to turn up in some of the other kid's father's stashes... This changed everything for me. Once I'd finally seen Debbie become a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, I knew what I needed to feel satisfied.
In my late teens (I'd been masturbating for a few years now, mostly with catalogs or the occasional racy bikini babe from sports illustrated or muscle and fitness) I finally had my own small collection of magazines and a few VHS tapes. I hid them in the drop ceiling of the basement rec room above the heating vent. I felt deeply ashamed of them and would have been embarrassed and crushed if my parents found out about it... But I simply couldn't make myself get rid of it. Getting it in and out of it's hiding place was an ordeal, and I had more than a few close calls getting it put back away, but I just couldn't make myself get rid of it.

In my late teens I started having sex with my girlfriends. Looking back, porn made me a man that used these girls. I viewed them as accessories to give me pleasure and status. And I now know that a few of them who had actual sweetheart, young-love sort of feelings for me I misused by completely ignoring all of the good and positivity they wanted to give me. I was a dick. But I was popular and there would always be another one who caught my eye and I'd already be thinking about my own gratification. And all through this time, porn became a constant. I told myself that I wouldn't be able to function as well without it. I told myself that the porn was actually keeping me "normal" and that without it I would be horny all the time, surly, unfocused and wouldn't be able to look at any woman without thinking about fucking her. In truth, the porn made me all of those things. I was also a high-T athlete and felt like without a minimum of 3 orgasms a day that I'd be useless to function socially or academically. I didn't know that I was potentially damaging myself physically since I'd never had anyone tell me that prone masturbating was bad for me. On the contrary, sex positive health classes and media reports lauded self-love.

My twenties are a blur. Girlfriends and high speed pornography left, right and centre. Again, the 3 nut minimum kept up and being able to access the new frontier of high speed internet porn was life altering. It is truly amazing how it became such a part of my life. Whether I needed to or not, it was a release and a feeling of pleasure and I saw no reason why I should stop.
I had a few serious, long term girlfriends. Tried my best to make it work with them. Married one and divorced 5 minutes later (I exaggerate, but in truth I blame myself for not seeing our incompatibility). But throughout it all, dating, partnered, married, whatever: I was going to fap and get off at least 3 times daily. It was around this time that I first read about the potential damage that prone masturbation can cause and I stopped it completely. As I've had many more years of fapping and fucking since, I'm satisfied that I managed to avoid that pitfall.

My 30s was very much the same. But then about 5 years ago, after a few decades of porn, literally beating it like it owed me money, I noticed myself changing.
I felt less sensation. My guaranteed 2nd and 3rd rounds with a girlfriend were no longer guaranteed. In fact, the first erection took a lot more coaxing to make it happen... And it wasn't rock solid like before... And I wasn't lasting like before...

What was it that Gary Wilson said in his TedX Talk? That men are only compelled to alter their lifestyle away from porn under one circumstance? Lol... Well, my dick not working as well as it used to was a wake up call for sure... But I went the blue pill route first. I bought the generic ones off of a guy off of craigslist. It seemed less shameful than going to my doctor for some reason. I shake my head now, but it's amazing what you can tell yourself to rationalize these things.
And even with the little blue magic giving me back those lost miles per hour off my fastball... Did I stop porn? You know the answer: I could still get up and get off for my computer... No need to quit. And especially now that I had extra help being the supreme-lover again and my girlfriends were all once again breathlessly thanking me, my problem was solved, right? And isn't it completely normal for a man of 40+ to not get morning wood automatically anymore? Or to have less of a full erection?

So... Aside to all of this, I've been on a 14 month journey to become a more fit me again. I was athletic and handsome as a younger man and had let myself get out of shape and far from my best. It was during this journey that I first came across the concept of NoFap. Out of curiosity I looked up what it was, thought it was great for those guys who were addicted to porn, but obviously this wasn't something that I needed. After all, I had a few girlfriends going at just about any point and yeah, I had favorite porn that helped me fall asleep... Or wake up... Or kill time on a lonely evening... But I sure as hell didn't need it...
Until after a few, less than satisfactory sessions over the space of February with a few of my girlfriends. One of them even made excuses for me... I must've been stressed or tired... This shook me. She was just being sweet and trying to make me feel better but I felt pathetic.
What shook me even more was my realization the following morning that I had stroked myself off the night before to comfort myself after the poor sexual performance... And without even thinking about it I was rubbing off again the following morning to start my day even though I hadn't even been hard.

That's when it all crystalized in my head.
And I remembered about NoFap.
And I remembered about Rebooting.
And I remembered YBOP and the TedX Talk.

And that was the start of my journey. March 1 was Day 1. No porn or wanking since. Had sex a few times. Had an uncomfortable chat about NoFap with a girlfriend who was very understanding. Had my body play some funny tricks on me since: urges, boners, flatlining, anxiety, stress... But I now know that my brain must heal. 30, 60, 90 days... Whatever it takes.
Hopefully I don't need to stop having sex to do this... But I'm willing to do it if I must.

May start a journal tomorrow. Maybe it's weird to start one on day 19 but I want to have some commitment to this process so I'll do it to hold myself accountable.

Good luck to you all.

 

Thanks for the support and the tips.

On one hand, I've read that guys who didn't get highspeed porn until their brain was already developed can reboot faster, which is encouraging... But on the other, I'm 45 and maybe my brain is very set in its ways now and as an older guy maybe it's just natural to have less erections and less quality of them...
Time, and my journal, will tell.

 

Appreciate the tips and motivation. Journal, with link, has been started.

 

Don't know. I gave up boner pills over a year ago. Something about them made me know that there was an underlying problem that I was papering over.
Like... If I get hard for a video and my hand but not for a girl who is willing to do whatever I want her to do to get me off... There's issues there.
It just didn't occur that I had to give one up to save the other until I looked into it.

 

This sounds as if you (or he) are saying that Hard Mode is the only path?

 

I suppose that abstaining from porn and masturbating are sacrifices I'm willing to try doing without.

So if I also *must* abstain from sex with my partners (or even from fooling around to get them off and meet their needs) I'm not so sure that I can do this...

Are there success stories of guys over 40 beating full or partial PIED with Normal Mode?

 

That's the kind of report that puts the wind in my sails! Good on ya Freddie!