New Fapstronaut here, unsure, testing waters

Hello guys,

I am just starting to use this site and I am hoping something will come off it. I am sure that some of you or maybe most of you will understand what it means when I say that I have been submerged in porn for most of my adult life and it was too late by the time I realized what I had done and seen the implications. I often tried to get out but the pull was always too strong, too deeply entrenched.
This here is another such attempt and I am feeling a little optimistic today about all this. having gone through some of the stuff here I feel it might do something. This screwed up life that I have at the moment needs a change, can I make the change is a million dollar question.

Basic stuff about me: I have been into porn for about 15 years now, even saying that makes me cringe. I am in a profession where I interact with lots of young people on a daily basis and that means conflicts of interest. I cannot not look at someone in a sexual manner, in that sense I am voyeur. I have built a habit of masturbating to porn as well as imagined stuff in my head which often involve people I know and people around me. I'm triggered often by simple things like newspapers/YouTube/sights around me etc. and often I feel they are everywhere! I often masturbate 2-3 times a day. I have never had a sexually health relationship and I suspect I have PIED. It is also hard to have a stable relationship.
In times of sanity I am ashamed of myself and for what I've become, I envy normal people and the simplicity with which they can interact with others, something I can never dream of. Making efforts repeatedly and failing have left me with a sense of dejection about this whole thing and low sense of self worth. I feel like this damage maybe permanent and there is no way to get around it. However this website gives me some hope and especially the community based approach it has, I have never done such a thing and it gives me something to look forward to.

I thank you if you've read this far and I hope something will give here. Hard reboot sounds too difficult at the moment. Please suggest.

 

I do have the habit of writing things in a (physical) journal. I don't know if I'm sure about sharing it though. I will probably get around to that as well with time.

 

Thanks so much for the support, it means a lot I am going strong as of now and I will try to write more.