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Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Jagliana, Feb 4, 2018.

  1. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    Not only does it make sense to me - I could have written it myself. Sorry so you've been made to feel this.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  2. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you for understanding <3
     
  3. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 416:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Playful | Entertained | Joyful
    Partner: Calm | Inquisitive | Accepted
    Professional: Creative | - | -
    Person: Content | Anxious | Loving

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning walk.
    2) School Days.
    3) Mindless TV Shows.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we continued speaking about the same topic but this time Wade was way more empathetic. He was also more reflective of why his actions during the last two days, were how he should have handled things. He apologized and said he would try to be better, I hope so. I feel like the needle is moving in the right direction on this, or so I hope...

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Control Your Emotions And Overcome Your Fears”, in this episode, Stefan James, from Project Life Mastery, talks about how to overcome your fears. Remember, knowing what must be done does away with fear.

    This morning, for the first time in a while, we got to walk and talk together. On the way to the mall, we began listening to BAE's podcast "Ep: 83 Thriving in the Holidays" which I presume was supposed to be about how hard and challenging the holidays are for so many in recovery with triggers, emotional roller coasters or being highjacked by addiction or betrayal. However, most of the podcast was spent on discussing taking baby steps, being consistent with your recovery work and be happy about progress and don't worry about not being perfect. Which is fine, Wade and I prefer that topic anyway because we wholeheartedly agree with it.

    After Wade went to sleep, my mom stopped by because she needed to vent. She told me my dad has been very depressed after his whole ordeal during and after the procedure, the ER, plus all the other fucked up shit that's been happening as of late. She told him she was stopping by for a few minutes so that I could do some paperwork for her and then she'll go right home so that I could take a nap (to make sure he wouldn't follow, so she could talk). She came and began trying to tell me, within a few minutes, he came anyway, so she couldn't finish telling me. However, something strange happened HE, for the first time opened up and actually admitted some of his feelings out loud to me. He was vulnerable, I don't think I recall him ever being vulnerable like this, but I tried to hold his space and try to help him see some positives. He left in a better mood than he came with, I hope he truly felt better.

    This afternoon, I had some alone time, I decided to start watching "The Haunting of Hill House" on Netflix and I'm not a fan of scary movies or shows, so I don't know why I'm subjecting myself to this LOL anyway, then I stopped and read a little bit. I began reading "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and so far, wow it's an amazing book and boy oh boy have I, we've - been doing it all wrong. She also goes into just how much we've all been affected by our own parents and upbringings, which directly leads to who we are today, how we behave and how we parent. I'm going to paste a few quotes and "parenting" could easily be changed to "addiction" for some. "The patterns of behavior we witness in childhood become the template for our own way of parenting", "Every conflict in our present lives—whether with our children, spouse, or other adults—is in some way a recreation of our childhood. Every relationship, every interaction is based on a blueprint from our own upbringing. In one sense, then, there are no adults in the room; we are all just children acting out. When it comes to parenting, we are in many ways children raising children" and "A pattern of behavior established decades ago with her own parents was now in the driver’s seat when it came to how she parented".

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Love how I looked in a ponytail, I don't wear my hair like this often enough.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    How To Overcome Fear And Anxiety In 30 Seconds



    #Motivational
    Shocking meaning of Row, Row, Your Boat.

    https://www.facebook.com/opodushko/posts/10156613660179270?notif_id=1553122701011823

    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  4. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    Such a familiar feeling. I have struggled with this so much.
    Yes! I usually bit my tongue, but always wanted to say, "please don't insult me". On several occasions I did challenge him to find one single search or download in his internet history that was even remotely like me. All I ever got was that special kind of blank stare that every SO knows - you know, the one where you can almost see the lie-inventing wheels desperately turning in his head to get himself out of trouble. So sorry, Jag. You are beautiful and desirable.
     
    Jagliana likes this.
  5. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you, our lives have been flipped upside down, it is so difficult to put everything right side up again.
     
  6. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 417:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
    Partner: Vulnerable | Loved | Respected
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Energetic | Inspired | Peaceful

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery!
    2) Walk and Talk.
    3) Pay Day!

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we spoke briefly and then went to watch Supernatural and he gave me a soothing foot rub.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Overcoming the Fear of Failure”, in this episode, we hear from Jack Ma, the Founder of Alibaba as he talks about overcoming the fear of failure. It is no longer a failure if you learn from it, it becomes knowledge/experience. Remember, failure is the pathway that leads to success.

    This morning, we went on our walk and talk, on the way to the mall we finished listening to "3 Lessons I Learned From My Ex" which pretty much was another way to say, learn from your mistakes and failures ('failed relationships), make them a learning experience. His three lessons were 1. Do not make any major decisions, have any disagreements or debates online or through text, do it in person, 2. Learn how to fight/have disagreements (aka communication skills) and learn how to manage each others coping styles, and 3. Don’t broadcast your relationship updates/status on social media, especially early on (don't involve others in your business.) Then during the walk, we listened to BAE's podcast "Is Failure What We Think It Is?" which, much like Jay Shetty's podcast, also explains that we must take all 'failures/missteps/setbacks' as a learning experience and grow from it, instead of quit or give up. A lot of us get stuck on the notion of perfection, myself included, but unfortunately, life just doesn't work that way. Wade and I have learned this lesson, time and time again and continue to do so. Just with this recovery alone, if we quit after the first, second or even third setback - we would not be where we are today or have become the people we have either. We spoke about times in our childhood where we thought we were failures or failed at something. Both of us have been there, this is not an "addicts only" dilemma. There were plenty of dark times for me as well, like when I was trying to get pregnant with my second for 5 years and couldn't due to PCOS, I went through so many fertility treatments - getting poked and prodded for years and felt like I failed, as a woman. Something that should have come easy for a woman, the ability to conceive and have a baby, I just could not do. Every month, every "negative" pregnancy test, the more and more I felt like a failure. Same with my marriage, early on when I noticed an uptick in him ogling women and ignoring me completely, I felt like I was a failure as a wife, partner, lover because I could not keep my own husband's attention, he no longer desired me and somehow I must have done something for that to happen, so again I saw myself as a failure. Then, even something as simple as dieting and weight loss - if I started on a diet plan and did not lose a good amount of weight within a week, I considered that a failure and quit immediately, you know "because what's the point, if it wasn't working anyway?". These days, I learned just how powerful and effective one's mindset, discipline and consistency could be. When I stopped "dieting" and just started eating a little better, walking every day and not harping on instant results, I ended up losing over 55 lbs in a year - this is even with a bunch of lazy days, junk food and other crap in the mix that would have always been the perfect reasoning I'd give myself to quit and start over "next Monday". With self-care which I believe is a MUST in recovery/healing, you learn there really is no "failing" because you can't really quit a new lifestyle, it will take too much effort to unring that bell LOL.


    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: I noticed some 'threats' but was able to keep my composure and focus today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Fail Your Way to Success



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  7. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 418:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Playful | Joyful | Exhausted
    Partner: Loved | Content | Anxious
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Nervous | Tired | Overwhelmed

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Walk and Talk.
    3) Pokemon Go Bonding LOL

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we discussed what my dad told me, about the changes that he noticed in Wade - which is huge, coming from him. We discussed our childhood and upbringing etc. Then we watched some TV and finished the night off... with a 'happy ending'.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Struggles In Life Make You Stronger and Help You Achieve Your Goals”, in this episode, we hear words of inspiration that will help you overcome struggles in life and achieve any goal. Remember, embrace and be thankful for the struggle you're in today. That struggle is developing within you, the strength you're going to need tomorrow.

    This morning, I had my EMG nerve test, so it's official I have a pinched nerve (herniated disc) and peripheral nerve damage in my right calve, the doctor doesn't know how severe the herniated disc is, so she wants me to have an MRI done, fun times, yippie.

    This afternoon we went to the mall for our Pokemon Go community day. Yes, yes - here we go again, a Saturday afternoon at the mall, brilliant idea as usual. On the way there, we began listening to BAE's podcast "Is Connecting Through Chaos a Thing?", it was about how sometimes, the only way couples find any sort of connection is through drama when addiction is present and no other connection or form of bonding is present. Sometimes either partner finds themselves purposely creating chaos, just to find a reason to connect/talk/argue. Chaos was a part of the lives of Coby and Ashlynn and in a strange way they found a twisted sort of connection and that developed a pattern that lasted for years and ended up creating more disconnection. For Wade and I... we didn't have much drama or chaos, we don't think, only because both of us wanted to avoid drama and arguments like the plague and because we had a lot of actual common interests. We both are into gaming, comics, geeky tv shows etc., so that gave us a friendship/connection and something to talk about. Which also gave us a nice way to avoid talking about how disconnected we were getting as husband and wife, we felt more like f*ck buddies or roommates, than husband and wife. There were A LOT of triggers at the mall for me, I kept myself 'together' aka distracted as much as possible by playing the game, listening to the podcast and discussing it with Wade. I am pretty sure Wade had a lot of temptations and even some slips, but he hasn't mentioned anything to me yet, I'm sure if he was having a difficult time he would have brought it up on the car ride home. On that car ride home, we talked about my gut feelings and how they work. He wanted to know, when I say/think that 'he does not want me' if that's coming from my rationalization thinking [brain] or is it coming from my gut feeling. Then we had a whole conversation about our past and how it's been a very long time since I've felt in my gut that he has any attraction towards me, so those thoughts are coming from my brain and are usually not far behind triggers, which set them off. a

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: There were A LOT of threats/triggers at the mall, I tried my best to keep distracted and centered.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Row Row Row Your Boat

    https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=2113576185550923

    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  8. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 419:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Annoyed | Entertained | Joyful
    Partner: Content | Anxious | Loving
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Frustrated | Worried | Vulnerable

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Kindle App.
    2) Breathing Exercises.
    3) Being there for Wade.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, Wade gave me a soothing lower back and leg massage, after all my uncomfortable nerve tests messed me up for the day. We had a pretty deep conversation about our day and then my gut feeling and how it works during this massage, even though it was being interrupted multiple times throughout... we also ended up having great intimacy afterward lol.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Identify Your Limiting Beliefs So You Can Eliminate Them”, in this episode, they give some great tips on how to identify your limiting beliefs so you can eliminate them. One of those tips is "take a break from everything and everyone for a day". Remember, a man often becomes what he believes himself to be.

    This morning, Wade was sleeping and I was with our little one. She was driving me completely banana's, I was listening to 90's pop songs nonstop and tracing My Little Pony characters for 3 hours straight.

    This afternoon, Wade's parents stopped by for a visit. I was a bit nervous about it because last time Wade got really emotional afterward because he realized that being around his parents was a situational trigger for him. I'm not sure if he was affected as badly today, as he was last time, but I did notice his mood shifting in and out, at random while they were here. I tried to hold his hand, stroke his fingers or head, just to remind him that I was there for him. I don't know if he picked up on that or if it made a difference in the long run though. After they left, I asked him how he was doing, he said he wasn't even sure what to make of it, he felt like 'blah' - that sometimes it feels like it's "us against the world" (it does feel like that sometimes) and perhaps it will really hit him again, once he sits down to write his journal, like last time. All I know is, these days he tenses up and gets uncomfortable when he is around his parents, thankfully only I pick up on those vibes or else they'd start making it worse by asking questions.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: When I noticed Wade's mood shifting, I began stroking his hand, so he knew he wasn't alone.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    How To Break the Curse of Your Limiting Beliefs



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  9. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 420:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Overwhelmed | Joyful | Tired
    Partner: Content | Calm | Loving
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Exhausted | Scared | Helpless

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Birds chirping.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Quiet hours.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we reflected on the day, about his parents being over. He said that he didn't think about it at the time but my touch may have been helping him throughout the afternoon with them being over, he did feel like he was in a fog the whole time. Then we listened to the extra content for BAE's podcast "Is Connecting Through Chaos a Thing?", on Patreon.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Becoming a Person of Value - Part One”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe and Les Brown talk about the importance of becoming a person of value. Remember, try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.

    This morning, Wade was working, so I walked on my own, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Betrayal Trauma and Healing" {really good one!} his featured guest was Dr. Barbara Steffens, who is the President of the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists. She helps clients and also therapists work with people experiencing profound trauma and betrayal. She is also the author of "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". Dr. Steffens and Rob talk about betrayal trauma and her many extensive years of work within the field. She looks at addiction and infidelity through both the lens of the addict and the partner and works to normalize all parts of what occurs in the addiction and healing process. She and Rob discuss what betrayal trauma is, why some partners may decide to stay, and how they can eventually begin to possibly trust again. Often times people first associate trauma with abuse, either physical or mental, even some professionals - but there is also a trauma that goes along with betrayal within a relationship, an intimate kind of trauma. When there is an expectation of trust, safety, and security that is violated, it can have a profound and lasting effect akin to a soldier who has post-war PTSD. It is difficult for the partner to understand, empathize or process how the addict can say they love them and yet still betray their trust, time and time again. While partners may not be able to trust the way they once did, they can develop an ability to trust the heart, intent and the behaviors they observe along with their own ability to detect lies and deceit. Dr. Steffens tells partners that they did not make their partner cheat, and they don’t have the power over how someone else responds. She encourages them to work with their own emotions and speak their truth rather than prescribing a one size fits all approach and assume that what works for one, will work for another. It was a very good podcast, as a partner I felt like I was 'understood'.

    In the evening, Wade and I went on our weekly grocery run and stayed under budget. Last time we were there, it did not end well because of a trigger. This time, we had to take the kids, my parents were too tired to watch them. My dad felt sick all day and has been very depressed lately, which I get due to everything that has been occurring. However, his depression and overall negativity have sucked the life out of me today (they've been in and out of my apartment complaining all day). So, taking the girls on the supermarket run, compounded my already pounding headache, sigh. By the time we got home, I wanted to just drop on the bed and pass out, but I couldn't. I was looking forward to a little R&R with dinner, but then my dad called asking if they could come over because he wanted to tell about how he was feeling like shit again. So, to avoid a 5-hour stay, I just went over to their apartment to let him vent, Wade ended up eating dinner himself and mine got cold by the time I got back. My headache has tripled and I feel bad for my dad, I really do, he is going through so much, but his negativity makes everything 100 times worse and not just for him but for my mom (I am getting really worried for her mental state due to his nonstop complaining) and myself as well. I just do not know what to do anymore, I feel so helpless.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Loved how my jeans fit today.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Self Development - Dr. Myles Munroe | Les Brown



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  10. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 421:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Tired | Free| Annoyed
    Partner: Calm | Loving | Vulnerable
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Helpless | Exhausted | Overwhelmed

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) My morning walk.
    2) This recovery.
    3) Any moments of silence I can get in a day.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, er didn't really talk too much, just vented a little about the day. I was so drained, to the point where I felt like I was a zombie... so we went to watch something relatable at the moment... "The Walking Dead".

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Dr. Myles Munroe and Les Brown on Having a Clear Vision For Your Life”, in this episode, Dr. Myles Munroe and Les Brown talk about Having a Clear Vision For Your Life. Remember, the only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.

    This morning, it was fridged so we went to the mall for our walk and talk. We listened to BAE's podcast "Mastering Healthy Connection", which was about, you guessed it, mastering a healthy connection lol but they didn't really go into it as deeply as I had hoped. Coby said that he used to give the power of his emotions to Ashlynn and others to determine how he felt (Codependent) how now, he has more control over his shame and feels more comfortable with saying no, instead of doing something he does not want to do, just to make Ashlynn happy. On the other hand, Ashlynn would emotionally withdraw, where she would detach completely from Coby (Independence). They discuss what they did and what the implications of this behavior were. There were a few parts where Wade and I were kind of thrown and confused, but one shocked us completely. At one point, Coby was talking about something Ashlynn and his kids love doing, going skiing and it was something they did every Thursday as a family. Apparently, Coby hating this, but kept going with it because he was too ashamed and afraid to tell Ashlynn that this isn't something he enjoys. As recovery progressed, he got over his 'shame' and he was able to finally tell her that he does not actually enjoy those trips and although Ashlynn was sad about it, she said fine and continued those day trips with the girls and Coby got to stay home. So, one time, she went skiing with the kids all day, Coby stayed home and got to be mindless all day, doing nothing but binge-watching a home cooking show on the couch and he said normally he would have felt a lot of shame for it, but this time he did not. Then Ashlynn and the kids got home after a long day, he was still on the couch watching and she got angry with him because he was home all day and didn't prepare any dinner for the family and he said "no I didn't" and he felt completely comfortable with that and didn't have any shame. Later the sorted it out blah blah. Wade and I both feel that even though he did not "M" or "PM" at home, this was still a relapse in a sense in selfish addict behavior. Here are so facts, first of all, he was being mindless and unproductive all day [binge watching shows], second of all he knew she was out with two kids all day being active (so she'd be coming home super tired). He was literally doing NOTHING all day, so his cooking dinner would have been the thoughtful and considerate thing to do, as a HUSBAND and FATHER. He got free time, after all, it's not like she was coming home from a spa day. Then his arrogant "and I was completely good with that" response, would have completely had me flying off the handle. They claim that "it was the quickest fight they've had" was fine, but I call bullshit on that, I'm 110% sure Ashlynn is still holding onto resentment about that. I believe Brandon should have stepped in and explained that yes, some boundaries and self-love behavior is good, but when you are a couple/family, sometimes it is also okay to do some stuff to make others happy too. Not every behavior is about "people pleasing", sometimes it's about teamwork, connection, and love. Wade and I go to indoor playgrounds together, not because we have a blast, but because our girls love it and enjoy spending time TOGETHER as a family. Wade isn't into art but went on a painting class date with me (his idea) because he knows how much I enjoy art (then he actually ended up having a good time too!). Sometimes sucking it up, so you can make someone else happy IS worth it. I think they are sending a bit of a wrong message or at the very least a misleading one with this episode. Yes, doing things constantly, for the sake of someone else when you hate it will cause resentment, but also completely removing yourself from all activities because you don't like anything, as a couple or parent can become a selfish behavior, especially when you end up with a lazy day and can't even get up to cook some dinner, instead scoff and be an arrogant prick about it after your spouse gets pissed (rightly so!). Just sayin!

    I'm feeling under the weather, exhausted and out of it. Still dealing with my dad and his issues all day and Wade's foot is acting up too. I think we need to turn our house into an infirmary at this point.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: In-depth discussions spawning with Wade out of nowhere sometimes.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Self Development - Dr. Myles Munroe | Les Brown



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Susannah and Wade W. Wilson like this.
  11. Wade W. Wilson

    Wade W. Wilson Fapstronaut

    Or an ICU :confused::eek::emoji_syringe:
     
  12. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    I mean, really! ugh. :emoji_head_bandage::emoji_face_palm:
     
  13. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 422:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Content | Playful | Exhausted
    Partner: Free | Calm | Loving
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Exhausted | Sick | -

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Alka-Seltzer Cold & Flu.
    2) Wade enjoying my recommendations (listen/watch).
    3) Kindle app!

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we didn't talk, we went to finish watching "The Walking Dead". It was an interesting episode, it has picked up, just a tad from the sluggish way that it has been for a while now.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Stop Being So Negative”, in this episode, Tony Robbins gives us tips on how to stop being so negative. Remember, positive thoughts attract positive results but beware, because the reverse is also true.

    This morning, Wade's foot still hurt and I have a cold, the weather was freezing... so we skipped the walk. We dropped off the girls at school and spoke a little in the car. He told me he watched a video I had recommended that he watch "Devon Franklin Talks The Truth About Men, Healthy Dating Habits, Mastering The Dog" and loved it. He said the message resonated with him and feels like it goes a long way, it could help a lot of men and women. I happen to agree, hence, why I thought he would like it and get something from it.

    I spent some more time reading my current book "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will" by Dr. Shefali Tsabary and boy oh boy have I, we, been parenting all wrong. It's not our fault, as she states in her book, it's from years of conditioning and ideas being passed down and learned, but her theories and philosophy make so much sense, as soon as I am done with this book and Wade is done with his, I want him to read it. I feel like she is speaking directly to his parenting methods here and it may help calm his reactions in a lot of situations with our girls too.

    Later this afternoon he has his men's group, hope it will go well for him.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Felt really sick, but still making it through the day.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Tony Robbins: Stop Thinking That I Can't Do It



    #Relationships
    Devon Franklin Talks The Truth About Men, Healthy Dating Habits, Mastering The Dog



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  14. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 423:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Annoyed | Peaceful | Joyful
    Partner: Nervous | Understood | Content
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Sick | Sick | Sick

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning Walk.
    2) Recovery.
    3) Free time!

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last evening/night, my mood was soured when I found out Wade was stood up, meaning, he was supposed to have his man's group with Coby, but apparently, Coby was out for the week and did not let the group know, how messed up is that?! people are paying for this 'mentoring' like WTF is that shit about? anyway, since the group did not happen, he went back to sleep. I was out of sorts due to being sick, I love my father to death but he sure knows how to suck the life out of a room, well, especially me... it is bad enough that I am sick, but I also still have to take care of everything as if I weren't, so when my dad comes over he continuously rambles, complains and talks about the same depressing stuff on loop for hours at a time, without a breather, I even snapped at some point. Anyway, I sent the little one to wake Wade up for the evening and 20 minutes go by and he's still not out of the bedroom and I'm thinking to myself "he knows I'm sick, I know he hears my parents are over, why is he taking his sweet time, today of all days?" ... meanwhile, my dad is still draining me, my little one is trying to talk over my dad (getting louder and louder) and I feel like my head is going to explode. So, I send her back into the bedroom to make sure Wade is up, about 10 minutes later he waltzes out, he said he woke up and then fell back asleep instead of getting up right away, he apologized. Later that night, he gave me a foot rub, which helped calm and relax me as massages often do, plus I also vented some of my frustrations... and that helped too.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Use Your Time Wisely”, in this episode, Jim Rohn gives tips on how to use your time wisely, both at work and in your personal life. His tips are 1. Run the day or it will run you, 2. Don’t mistake movement for achievement, 3. Concentrate on where you are, 4. Learn to say no and 5. Appreciate the little details. Remember, time management is life management.

    This morning, Wade offered to drive me to the mall, so I could still walk because it was so cold out and I'm sick. He could not walk due to his foot, so I appreciated that. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "Helping People Get Recovery" his featured guest was Tami VerHelst, who has been working with Rob for over 15 years in the field of sex, love and relationship addiction. She has been central to many therapists and is often times the very first person someone reaches out to when they are in crisis mode and undergoing a trauma. Tami talks about the difficulties of treating sex addiction compared to other addictions, the importance of getting help, the programs she is currently working to develop through “Seeking Integrity”, how she decides where to send someone (an addict or his partner) to get help. Tami has been in the field for so long that she knows the right questions to ask people to find them the appropriate help and resources. She also believes that if the partner gets good support and the addict gets solid help, they have a greater chance of getting through the trauma of betrayal. However, it is very important for the partner to stand up, draw a line in the sand, and not stand for their partner to continue on with harmful and hurtful behavior. It is also important throughout the treatment for the partner to get their own help and support as well. Tami herself struggled with addiction. She credits her amazing life with recovery and takes great pleasure in giving back, she even offers her email and welcomes people who need help to reach out to her ([email protected]) so she can point them in the right direction.

    After my walk, on the car ride home, we began listening to BAE's podcast "Dating and That Porn Convo", which was about the dating scene circa 2019, in today's culture, it is not whether someone has seen porn or not, the assumption is that people have seen it since a young age by choice or by porn finding them. So they try to dissect how to go into this topic while dating, like how do you have the conversation about the experience each person has with porn so it is known what you are dealing with? how do you figure out if you are dealing with a 'casual' user or a full-blown porn addict? so far, Wade and I feel like Coby keeps talking out of his ass on this one. I guess we will finish it tonight and see how it goes.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Normally when my eyes meet an oglers eyes, I roll them, this time I just stared past him/brushed him off.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Motivational
    Jim Rohn - How to Use Your Time Wisely



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  15. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 424:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Overwhelmed | Playful | Exhausted
    Partner: Calm | Understood | Content
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Sick | Sick | Sick

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Morning Walk.
    2) Nature.
    3) Music.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, we finished listening to BAE's podcast "Dating and That Porn Convo", which was about - how you go about bringing up porn and porn use/betrayal trauma/history with someone new. Wade and I both weren't too crazy about this one, we did not agree with how (mostly Coby) was expressing his "how-to" opinions, which seemed like a bit much in our opinions. Then he had to go to work, last night before his 'weekend' thankfully!

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Overcome Negative Thinking”, in this episode, Joel Osteen talks to us about why it's so important to overcome negative thinking. Remember, positive results never come from negative thoughts.

    This morning, started like the last few have for me... feeling like shit myself, plus my dad calling me bright and early and then coming over to continue the broken record of how bad he is feeling until it was time for me to drive the girls to school. Then, FINALLY, I got to my sweet little spot on the map, where I have my walks, parked the car and was free, if only for an hour or two. I sooooooo needed the sound, smell, and feel of nature. During my walk, I listened to an episode of Rob Weiss's podcast "The Spiritual Side of Addiction" his featured guest was Mark Anthony Lord an expert in the area of spirituality and recovery. He is an author, coach, speaker, and minister, who has seen firsthand the damage that addiction can have on one’s spirituality and faith. Mark believes that when we heal, it must first be from within. As a Reverend, he helps people from all walks of life become back in tune with their spiritually or possibly even connect for the first time, if that's their thing. He and Rob also talk about the isolating nature of addiction, the connection between God and sexuality, and the one relationship that we can count on no matter what the circumstances, the one between ourselves and our higher power. I am not religious at all, neither is Rob from what I gather, however, Mark does not push religion and he actually expresses how a lot of them get it wrong and if you do not believe in God, your higher power could be anything, even you. He does go into religious addicts though and how dealing with spirituality is one of the hardest challenges that sex addicts tend to have, whether it’s their own personal morality, or within the healing process.

    Then, I was enjoying the alone time so much that I did not want to go straight home, I drove around a little, listened to a little science podcast. In the afternoon, Wade woke up and his foot was thankfully feeling better. We went to our daughter's parent/teacher conference. Then spent the rest of the day being lazy at home... which is what I needed, to defuse.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Had willpower to power me through, when motivation wasn't enough.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Relationships
    DeVon Franklin: Relationships, Love, and Lust with Lewis Howes



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
    Wade W. Wilson likes this.
  16. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 425:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Content | Free | Playful
    Partner: Nervous | Loving | Distant
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Content | Calm | Tired

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Conversations with Wade.
    3) Podcasts.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, his foot was feeling better and I was a little more rested too, since I avoided any 'free time/alone' at home, in order to not be easily available to get drained by my parents, it sounds selfish, I know, but I have been so depleted. Anyway, he gave me a nice and relaxing back rub, it felt so good. While he did that, we listened to BAE's podcast "How Long is it Gonna Take?" where they try to breakdown the answer, to one of the biggest and probably most common questions that are on everyone's mind, at all points of recovery, especially when we feel overwhelmed. Recovery is hard because it makes us uncomfortable at best and painful at its worst. So we often find ourselves wondering, how long does it take to finally be "done" for all of it to be "fixed" because it is just all too exhausting. This episode tries to illustrate how pain tolerance is a key function of recovery so we don't see time as working against us, but as an experience/growth, etc. Much like the nitty gritty process required in order to 'get to the good stuff'.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Helpful Tips on How to Increase Your Productivity”, in this episode, Niharika from Skillopedia gives us some helpful tips on how to increase our productivity. Remember, focus on being productive instead of busy.

    This morning, we headed out to a podiatrist appointment that Wade had, the doctor seemed to know his stuff. He made some recommendations. I hope they'll help, he said Wade has something called "bursitis of the foot". On the way to and from, we listened to BAE's podcast "How do I set Boundaries in my Relationship vs Ultimatums?", when we first read the title we thought it was finally going to be about the hard truths of recovery, true boundaries for the addict, betrayed, realistic consequences/expectations vs ultimatums vs control, etc. but it was not, they touched on it a little but circled around personal boundaries and self-love more. Brandon made a lot of good points in this one like if you have good boundaries set up and are sticking to them, it will ruin your bad relationships. However, Coby ... something has been up with him the last few podcasts, he seems to be overly dramatic, like he is overcompensating for something, putting on a show, etc., it is a bit weird and comes off snotty/arrogant. Anyway, boundaries are a critical piece of any relationship, especially a committed relationship. If you want a thriving relationship boundaries are critical, healthy ones for both partners.

    Then in the afternoon, our eldest was invited to a birthday party, so we dropped her off there. Then took the little out with us, for some family time. The weather was nice, so we let her run around a little outdoors, had some lunch together and topped it off with some ice cream, she was really happy. It was nice quality time with her, however, I could have gone without all of the triggers that come with this weather. I tried my best not to show it, I did not want to ruin the family time/moment, but there were a lot of threats/triggers roaming around and it was difficult for me to focus at times. I was trying to navigate between *seeing a trigger* - my mind thinking so many bad thoughts - *focusing back on my phone/game in order to distract myself* - boom another trigger - and it starts all over again. I hate this shit, it really ruins my mood at the moment and interferes with the family time, because as much as I want to enjoy it, I can't because all I'm thinking about is "yep, that's who he wishes I looked like" "yup, he would trade me in for her in a nanosecond" "I bet he wishes he were with her, not me". :-(

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: How my hair looked today, even unwashed lol.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    How to achieve success & Boost your productivity



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
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  17. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    DAY 426:

    DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
    Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
    Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings /
    Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

    Feelings for the Day (feelingswheel.com)

    Parent: Joyful | Annoyed | Playful
    Partner: Eager | Content | Vulnerable
    Professional: - | - | -
    Person: Tired | Calm | Exhausted

    3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
    1) Recovery.
    2) Wade.
    3) Patience.

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Last night, he gave me another soothing back rub, this time it was because I asked - something I haven't done in a while, I don't like asking anymore, I stopped before recovery even began. Because pre-recovery, I would often ask him for foot rubs/massages and felt like it was such a chore/bother for him, an annoyance (me even me asking) then after agreeing to do it, it would take him a while to get started, when he finally would he'd half-ass it, to the point where I would often time just tell him to "forget it". I would have been happier with him just being honest and just saying "no, I don't feel like doing it", then how it was happening. Anyway, the massage from the night before felt so good, I just couldn't help it, I wanted another one LOL #SorryNotSorry. We also have an 'epic' finish to the night... adding intimacy and connection to sex makes a world of difference.

    Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Develop Self-Discipline”, in this episode, today Alex Heyne talks about How to develop self-discipline. His tips are 1. Doing what’s right and not what’s easy, 2. Concentrate on the long term reward versus short term gains, 3. Act according to your GOALs, not your current feelings, 4. Take 100% responsibility for your life, and 5. Have meticulous time management. Remember, with self-discipline all things are possible.

    This morning, we decided to have a quick walk and listened to BAE's podcast "Having Eyes to See Success", which started on point and digressed into various subjects throughout, as they recently have been doing. I wish they would stick to the topic at hand because sometimes I think it needs to be discussed or just call the podcast something else so it is not misleading. Anyhow, they went into how when things went wrong for Ashlynn and/or Coby, they developed eyes to see all the things that were bad, negative, hard or fell short of expectations and often blame the other partner for all of it. The point being, it's so easy to blame others for problems that come before us, when things are bad, it can become overwhelming and feel like everything is headed in that direction. When we step outside of ourselves and our current situation, breathe and take a moment to see a light at the end of the tunnel, have some hope, positive reinforcement ... somehow laws of attraction just help things fall into place for us. I guess that is somewhat how all of this worked out for Wade and I, if we really sit down and think about it, because technically speaking, at this point, I would have been officially filing the paperwork for our separation because that was the plan, because I never thought, in a million years that he would change or even attempt recovery - but look where we are now... still a huge work in progress, but our story has changed and no one saw it coming, especially, not me. During the walk, there was a pair of walkers there, "threats" who triggered me a little, I distracted myself with the podcast and the game as best as I could. When we were coming home Wade asked me about it, he joked next time I get triggered, why don't I think of our 'romp' the night before as a good distraction lol and I found that cute and funny, but I told him that the sad reality would be... that it would make the trigger worse and possibly taint sex for the next few days for me. Since, for me, when I get triggered my thoughts take me to "he prefers her, over me" if I were to think of 'last night', I would think of 'it' with "yep, he would probably wish it was her, in my place, that night" -- which neither of us would want me doing.

    Then we went to iHOP with the girls, spend a little family time. We took my mom, my dad guilted her a little about going and leaving him home alone but I am glad she decided to go anyway. There were quite a few triggers there for me too, but again, with my mom there and the girls, I tried to keep myself as distracted as possible. I really hate that I can't do or go anywhere, without triggers. I wish my triggers didn't involve half of the fucking population, how does one cope with or heal through that? seriously? ugh. It's so draining and feels self-defeating, I'm not safe from triggers anywhere I go. He keeps telling me he wants me and desires me and I want to believe him (so badly, I really do), but so far, I don't, I just can't, because I guess my gut is not registering it or is still so numbed out/silenced on this particular issue, after 12 years - that when my triggers hit, what I know to be my fact, just hit the 'replay' button in my head, and there's nothing there to contest with it - no 'gut narrative' to argue with my 'spike narrative' after the trigger settles and that feeling sucks. I feel guilty and ashamed about it because I see Wade trying and I know it's not like it was before but there's obviously something wrong with me.

    What I liked about myself, today:
    (I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
    :emoji_two_hearts: Again, multiple triggers today, but kept my cool as best as I could.:emoji_ok_hand:

    #Self-Care
    The 5 Habits of Highly Disciplined People



    ---------------------------------------------------
    #Must Watch for Couples Recovery & Healing: "BAE"
    The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCklkb0y6OVCGA3ZCEYlUOIg
    ---------------------------------------------------
    [​IMG]
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
    5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
    1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19

    ---------------------------------------------------
     
  18. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
    123
    That really is one of the very worst bits of fallout about this. I have found that even when I am out alone, I now have parts of my husband's disease. I am always scanning for threats in my environment, staring at women I see and comparing myself to them. I used to never do this, but now I am constantly evaluating and ranking women according to how my husband would like them. Ugh. That is the most awful feeling. I have become what I hate. How does one cope indeed? So sorry you have these thought patterns, too.
    Please don't beat yourself up. Remember - you are reacting to very real things that happened to you for a very long time and you have good reasons for those reactions. You did not create the situation that led to these feelings, thoughts, and reactions.
    Based on what you've been through, you have years of excellent reasons for NOT believing. It will take a while to building up enough reasons TO believe.
     
  19. Jagliana

    Jagliana Fapstronaut

    Thank you for understanding, at least I know that I am not an 'exclusive' case here. I'm also sorry, that you too, have to go through this.

    I know, I just wish I could turn my brain off because, as you know, it gets so exhausting.

    You are right, I know you are, I guess I expect too much much or I just want the torment to just stop already and I'm trying to rush it.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  20. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    545
    1,119
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    Yes. It IS exhausting. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep for a few years.
     
    Jagliana likes this.

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