hey guys, I'm new around, but I have been in recovery for 2 years. I'm curious how do you guys handle your wive's triggers? I relapsed this winter after 8 months without PM and one of the things that led up to it was an increasing amount of arguments with my wife where she was triggered and I handled it poorly. So I'm curious. What are your "rules of engagement" for tough conversations?
I handle it by owning it. My wife wouldn’t be triggered if I didn’t do the things I did. She wouldn’t be triggered if I didn’t act the way I did. She wouldn’t be triggered if I didn’t say the things I did. So I start by acknowledging that I hurt her. I admit that I was wrong. Then I try to empathize with her and talk to her about it to get to root of the problem and make changes. Above all I don’t use again, I don’t repeat that cycle. I short circuit and break that cycle I relied upon as it is what got me into the mess to begin with. I know it won’t help it. I know it won’t help her. So I start by admitting I was wrong, and then I find out how. Most recently it took several days of conversations, to find out how I really hurt her. How my patterns of conversation hurt her. When I realized the other facets I owned those too. I took responsibility for what I said that triggered her. I took responsibility for the things I said after I triggered her that made it worse. I engaged her in authenticity and vulnerability, to make her feel safe. I showed compassion and concern with how she felt. I did it without resentments, or any sense of self preservation. I did it because she was worth it, and I was worth it to become a better version of the man I gave her that triggers her.
Wow thanks for replying. I often try to "fix"whatever she brings up. I'm learning to hear her and own my part of her pain. I liked what you said about self preservation. I struggle with that. We have written out some of our communication boundaries since I relapsed and that has been helpful.
Whatever you do don’t “fix” it. She needs healing, she is not a piece of wood that can be glued back together. And don’t try to “prove” her wrong. Her feelings or intuitions are hers and always right, she has a reason for feeling that way and it is perfectly valid. It would help her to hear your validation.
It took me years to learn not to "fix" things. Now I struggle with being defensive and falling into self preservation. Thanks for the post NF4L.
I too struggle with this. For a while I tried to fix things until that kept getting me nowhere. Now I sit and listen and own it, but there are times that I become on edge and falter: I blame her for asking too many questions or for asking the same questions multiple times. I recognize that her talking about it is her wanting to heal and she needs me to be honest, validate, and listen rather than respond and try to fix. I'm still having problems doing that all the time and there are the moments when I get irritated and snap at her - this never ends well. When I am truthful, it may hurt her for a while, but she is always fine after she takes a minute to herself. When I lie and spin is when things get bad. Any advice on how to stop the lies, spinning, and becoming irritated?
Practice. In the beginning it felt like she was going to leave me any time i told her the truth I had tell myself that my honesty is worth more than my relationship. Becoming an honest man has changed my life in every area for the better. I am more confident and I can accept compliments because i am not hiding myself as much. I think that that we all struggle at times with defensiveness. For me what has helped with empathy has been reading a book called intimate deception. I have a much better perpective on her pain after reading it.
Thanks for the recommendation. I am listening to Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss. It is also a good book about being honest and how lying effects your spouse.
