He has watched over 360 porn videos in 7 days!

Yeah, that's the problem. He travels for work and can work at home if needed. Plenty of time and plenty of privacy in hotels, our basement, bedroom, home office, etc. I work from home. But if it only takes 30 secs for a dude to get off, I can't even go to the bathroom or grocery without him being tempted! Good Lord!
We are trying to figure out his triggers. To me, it seems that he has a lapse when I am sick (migraines, flu, etc.), and he is working out of town. It pisses me off really to know that he takes advantage of my most vulnerable times (illness, postpartum) to sneak PMO. I feel helpless knowing I could be gravely ill with cancer or something and he would be jerking it in front of a computer screen and ignoring my needs to cope with his anxiety. *If that is his trigger. He doesn't think it is, but he also isn't trying very hard to figure it out.

 

He has been. I think he went for 6 months without it? But then he goes back to it again...it seems to be when I feel really good about our relationship and confident he has kicked it. :-( Shame on me for trusting him I guess.

 

Well, he has seen me sob, cry, scream, plead, support, talk, etc. to get to him and it hasn't worked. The last time I told him I would divorce him if he did it again. He knew the consequence, but apparently I am worth losing to his addiction. It really tears me up knowing I may have to follow through with leaving him. I love him so deeply and he is my best friend. We have 4 kids together. We have built a life together for over 20 years! It makes me feel like if I leave him then I am the one ripping apart the family. It is not fair. My mood has been so crazy lately trying to deal with this--one minute I am crying, then angry, then telling myself it's no big deal and I am overreacting. What is true?!

 

I don't know what the right thing to do is right now. I want to be with him, have him hold me, but at the same time I don't want him to touch me. This love/hate feeling is the worst! It would be easier if I could stop loving him, but I can't. Right now, I am sleeping alone in our bed and he is sleeping in the spare room in the basement. I told him he cannot sleep in our bed with me and I do not want intimate contact for a while. Going without sex for more than a week is difficult for ME and in that respect, I am being punished for what he did! I just don't know how long until I feel comfortable having sex with a person that has broken my trust and heart so many times. This is the first time I have withheld intimacy from him for more than a few days. I just cannot fathom going 30 days or 90 days. Does that really do anything to help PA? I worry it would make it worse and cause the urge to increase to PMO.

 

I am ashamed to admit it, but catching my husband masterbating has been a strange fantasy of mine for some time....but only if he was thinking about me and I wasn't available. It is not the same if he is watching other girls and lusting after their bodies and the perverted things they do to themselves. Especially if it is in place of me when I am available and very willing to participate! That is what hurts. The feeling of rejection and being thrown to the side like an old toy. The lying on top of him preferring other women (even if they are on the screen)is like gasoline to the fire.

 

I am not ready for that yet.

 

His porn addiction started late in college he told me. It wasn't apparent to me until after we got married(2002) a couple of years after college. He has lapsed several times now since the 1st Dday (2006), with his most recent lapse now. He said this last one started the end of Dec 2018/beginning of Jan 2019. He claims he doesn't know what triggers it. He has learned only how to cover it up better and use it and also have sex with me, that way I still get "attention" enough to not think something is wrong. What he doesn't understand is that the sex is giving it away on top of everything else.

 

No, you misunderstand. We have a very good bond and do all of that. BUT with this recent betrayl I am too hurt to let him kiss me, touch me intimately.

 

I would have to place hidden cameras in the house to do that.

 

No, his family has no idea. My family does know however. (My sister had an ex-husband that was a PA and he refused to change, so we have been able to confide in each other throughout the years at least.) But I do not like to involve family in things like this and it was VERY hard for me to share this with my family. I am not a fan of sharing and shaming him to his family. I just don't see the benefit in doing so?

 

We went to a therapist and didn't find it helpful. The therapist was an older man and I thought an excellent psychologist, but said he didn't think porn was the issue and that it was something underlying. He also told my husband that his lack of emotion was just him and normal for him. So, we wasted a lot of time and money for nothing. I have never found therapy helpful for anything unfortunately.