Sexual Incompatibility?

It can take anywhere from a few months to a few years after being sober and in full recovery before a PA can begin to learn what their true drive and actual sexual tastes are. It takes a long time for the brain to heal from the damage that has been done from the constant barrage of porn and instant gratification. It didn't happen overnight to get that way and it won't happen overnight to heal, especially if he only makes it a few weeks before he relapses.

 

@Brittsyboos I've been reading back through your posts, and they are just so heartbreaking:

But they are all wrong. So often you return to the thought that it is you who are not enough, that it is your failing. That is just not true.

I know this is easier to say than to do but please stop thinking this. His relationship with porn is not your fault at all, and it is that relationship that has decimated your self esteem. Let me quote someone who has not been around for a while:

Or, as you put it:

You can. You deserve better than this and he needs to realise that.

 

@Brittsyboos, sorry for the serial posting, but here's another for you to think about from @GG2002 who went through similar pain.(I've chopped it up but this is one whole post.)

Of course I am indebted to my wife that she gave me a chance, and it is great that you are giving your boyfriend a chance, but at some point he has to commit to his own recovery and from what you post I cannot see that.

 

Hi @Brittsyboos, has your partner actually said he dosnt like oral at all? If so, you cannot make him do it, after all everyone isn't the same. Also, what type of P was he into?

If he says he likes oral as a sexual practice though generally, it could just be the P symptoms that are turning him off. It sounds bizarre, but many guys get sucked into P that has nothing to do with their real sexual tastes, this is just one of the crazy things about P. So in extreme cases, perfectly straight people get into gay P etc. Therefore it may take alot of time before he fully recovers sexually.

I base all this on my own experiences. Some of the bizarre Femdom things I used to 'enjoy' watching are of no interest to me in real life.

 

Well my husband had never done oral on a girl before me and wasn't super thrilled to do it in the beginning but now it's his favorite thing to do. He was very damaged with what porn did to him and his views about sex. It can take a while for their tastes to change, go back to normal, and to get healthy.

Some people don't like oral, others have trauma issues around it out of abuse, and some just are selfish and will say they don't like oral to just avoid doing it. Having an honest conversation with him about it is the way to figure it out. Have direct questions that he can answer.

Do you not like the angle?
Do you not like the taste?
Do you not like the position?
etc.

He will have to give an answer to a straight forward questions like that. Those are yes or no questions, not open ended questions. For me, I've learned that when with an addict early in recovery direct yes/no questions are easier on their brain due to the damage and emotional stunting that can occur, and even those questions can be hard for them to answer as most often times addicts are on auto-pilot and are not actually mindful of anything around them.

I hope that you guys can figure it out!