NoFap takes off your masks

Hi fellow fapstronauts,

I'd like to share a thought that crossed my mind while my depression and anxiety deepens on daily basis. I've been in monk mode for 4 months now and one thing became clear to me. Abstention removes blisters covering your mental wounds. Unaddressed problems resurface and attack you with vengeance. Whatever they might be. That's why it's so hard to abstain. Real problem is not PMO. PMO is just a painkiller, bad coping mechanism, we learned to numb our emotions. True problem lies beneath it. If porn was to blame, I'd be fine by now. I have no desire to watch it or M for that matter anymore. Yet I'm falling deeper and deeper into depression which is becoming way worse than in times of binge PMO. Granted, I was all numbed out, literally living like a zombie with I don't give a F... about anything attitude and I don't want to go back, but I didn't feel profound emptiness, darkness, loss of purpose I experience today. I can understand now how can one kill himself without obvious reason. How one addresses hole in his/her soul that is eating him/her alive remains a big question to me. Sure therapists say you need to find life purpose/goals to fill the void, but how when everything seams pointless? Priests say faith will save you, but will it? I was born and raised Catholic, quite religious, yet faith seamed like empty words in the moments when death was knocking on the door without hope of leaving. Is faith just another blister humans have invented to cover our inability to accept our own demise? Who knows…

I'll start climbing out of this depressive and anxious rabbit hole episode now by implementing daily aerobic exercise routine, like I've done many times before. Maybe I'll backpack my things and go for a week long hike in nature and I know it will help, it always does. But is aerobic activity not just another form of blister on my unresolved issues with myself and life itself? Strangely I feel more in touch with my true self now looking and experiencing the void, then when I'm on binge PMO, exercise or whatever drug of choice comes next. I know I have to stop staring at it as there is a real chance hopelessness might push me over the cliff, but there is something deeply profoundly liberating in abandoning all hope even if just for a moment.

 

Thanks man, I don't intend to give up. I'm just going trough some self examination right now unfortunately coupled with depression and anxiety. One must confront his own fears head on at some point in time. I lost too much time running away from myself.

I do eat fish oil and try to get enough sun to raise vitamin D. But I do get too lazy to do it from time to time and then things start to go down.
I'll read the book it looks very promising, thanks for advice. Maybe I'll take it with me on a hike, if I find willpower to go.

 

I understand how you feel right now. Don't worry it will get better, you just have to hold on and work on yourself in the process.
Yes, my depression and anxiety is way better then it was in May. I managed to find a daily routine that keeps depression and anxiety at bay. I still bet very bad days, but I know what to do when they occur.
I also started to gradually fill the void in me. It's a slow process, but I think I've made a lot of progress on this front too. Tim Johnson opened my eyes saying, that we're here to serve others. Trying to help others or at least be kind and non judgmental, exercise plus Wim Hof method did bring some inner calmness back into my life. I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm a happy person now, but I'm definitely not as negative as I was just 4 months ago.

 

I couldn't agree more. Two quotes resonate with me these days:

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be" - Loa Tzu When you get free of addiction, you get an opportunity of recreating and rebuilding yourself from scratch.
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.” - Vivian Green You have to stop waiting for a perfect moment to change your life, because it might never come. You have to stop trying to run away and learn how to live with ups and down that everyday life brings.