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Codependency and PA; gaslighting vs controlling

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by need4realchg, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. Hey you know what, I think we all just got trolled.
     
  2. @MadWoman thank you, I am humbled by your thanks. I am new to the community but aimed to help contribute to the healing process by removing stigmas. I have learned that shame perpetuates the chains of addiction.

    I wish you the best in your journey !
    Blessings.
     
  3. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    I've watched this site for weeks trying to understand my boyfriend's behavior. Can you please point out what posts are exploiting? I want to make sure my feelings are real & not being felt purely out of anger. I have tried to help myself out of the trauma but I want to validate my beliefs. How do I do that if my experience is different than yours? What if you've gone through something worse than me and I judge how you react to something? I just want to make sure I am not wallowing in craziness.
     
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Please, feel free to put whatever you feel has been exploited and taken out of context back into context. I'm sure everyone would love to be enlightened.

    Not every SO is crazy. You might be, and your husband might have driven you there, but you dont get to speak for everyone else. What exactly was your point in posting? Based on your condescending post, it seems you have this SO thing down pat and only came here to put others down. This strangely reminds me of certain SO journals I've read in the past...
     
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You said:

    I was simply pointing out that, no, we aren't all crazy like you said. When you make a statement with the words "we" and "our" , surely you are including yourself in that, right? So, how is it gaslighting if you called yourself crazy and said your husband made you that way? Those were your words, not mine.
     
  6. My dear friends, we agree assuredly gaslighting does occur —however the assumption that most PA’s gaslight their women is a valid assumption to challenge? Yes?

    Given the present thread I presently understand gaslighting applies to a select group of manipulative individuals , hence why it’s good to inform and not condescend upon those who have an experience that differed with out opinion? May we be fact-based using empirical or statistical data instead of anecdotal-based solely.

    Arguing as a demagogue is certainly not a convincing method to persuade those men or women with whom we disagree.
     
  7. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Gaslighting is common of MOST addicts. Unless the addict was honest with their SO from the getgo or unless when the SO asked if they used porn and they were honest... the PA most likely was gaslighting.

    Gaslighting can happen without the indivudal realizing they are doing it.

    When an SO confronts a PA and says, "Do you use porn is that why you aren't having sex with me?" and the addict says, "Of course not, I love you, I am just stressed, you're totally off base" that is gaslighting. It can be a calm, "nice" conversation from people looking at it, but reality is when you lie to cover the truth and make your partner question their reality you're gaslighting them.

    My husband had no idea what gaslighting was, nor do most addicts who come here. They simply think they are lying to their partners.... but it's much more than that and they only learn that when they get into recovery that they were completely destroying their SO.

    If you lied, continued to lie, make your partner question themselves, you gaslight them. If you switched it back on them, blaming them, you've gaslit them. It's much more common than you think
     
    hope4healing, need4realchg and Numb like this.
  8. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Beautifully put.
    Yes - many of the lies are crafted and intended to cause the other party to question and deny his or her own intuition, call into question his or her evidence-supported assessment of situations, or deprive that person of the information they need in order to make decisions about their lives.
     
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly @Susannah it's not like any addict can deny that they lied to keep their partner in the dark..... I don't care if the addict is scared and ashamed.... I have been there and I get it, but when you take the other person's right away to choose that is wrong. There was no consent to the relationship we all entered. We consented to a false relationship.... we never knew what we were in for which is wrong.

    I told my husband prior to getting together about my anorexia, sexual assault and rapes and said I can't have porn in a relationship.... why? Because he should have a choice in whether he wants to be with someone who might have health issues for their life and if they want a partner who might or might not be able to have sex or might have flashbacks during sex that are intense adn scary..... it's wrong to trick someone into a relationship because You fear They Won't Accept All of You.

    I would rather tell the truth and have that individual walk away and save me the wasted time than to lie to someone get attached reveal myself and have them leave....
     
  11. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @need4realchg you are the rarity, and good on you for being honest from the getgo. And yes, I know that addicts do suffer from co-dependancy as well and that needs to be addressed. I think one way to distinguish a co-dependant from a gaslighter is if the individual feels they cannot live without the other... co-dependants often feel like without the other person they are nothing or cannot survive, etc. And co-dependants can gaslight as well.

    I know that my husband struggled with co-dependant issues where he relied on me for everything adn felt he could not live without me, yet was lying and gaslighting me... I know that @TryingHard2Change also has experience with co-dependancy and lying maybe he can chime in on this topic as well given he has been through it.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  12. Great point. I will await his input.
     
  13. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I haven't had the chance to read your story / your background...."completely honest" about your porn use? while it was happening? Or only after confronted/asked?

    Just curious...
     
  14. Nope. I told my fiancée who I before we married. I didn’t want her to be surprised. Also was honest up front y before separating.
    just how I thought made sense
     
  15. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    What did you tell her? "Hey honey...I watch porn...hope you're okay with that...let's get married."

    ..

    And I'm not trying funny -- my wife's good friend--the maid of honor in our wedding actually--she knows her husband watched porn / she doesn't like it / but she is "okay" with it. That works for some couples. (doesn't make it right or healthy)

    ..

    So you two separated -- unrelated to porn?
     
    Messymasterpiece likes this.
  16. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    It's obvious someone has low self-esteem & has created multiple accounts to make themselves feel better. @MadWoman how dare you judge other people's very real feelings & thoughts based on their situations. You claim we're all "crazy" & then conveniently backtrack on this statement by saying only "certain women" on this thread are crazy.

    IF you are a true SO of a porn/sex addict, you'd empathize with the other women, not try & make them question their own personal realities.

    Regardless, I don't believe you have lived through what these women have or else you'd shut the hell up & stop advocating for the OP, whom clearly has his own issues.

    Once again, don't you dare try & throw a SO's trauma in her face. Ignorance, ya mad woman.
     
  17. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    Honest?!
     
  18. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    Circles are fun to draw. Big words & distractions are seen as gaslighting by the keen eye. You might fool your wife but there are others that see right through you.
     
  19. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    Addicts who are honest, when I say honest from the get go I mean honest within the first month of knowing each other before any type of official bf/gf commitment is made.... if you had known her for years and were about to get married and said so right before marriage then you were honest before you legally were bound to her... which is better than other addicts have done....

    But for me and many SOs we talk about choice and being trapped.... so again honest from get go =before exclusivity (to me at least... not sure how other SOs feel about that) ... because if you tell her before she agrees to being a girlfriend then she knows all your cards and is freely, voluntarily, knowingly entering a relationship with an addict.... otherwise she had no idea what she was getting into as there are people out there who just simply dont want to ever have a relationship with an addict of any kind (for their own valid personal reasons... I know kids of addicts really dont want addiction in their adult life as they are trying to be healthy and not repeat their childhood traumas)

    But when exactly were you honest about your porn use in your timeline of knowing her?
     
    EyesWideOpen, need4realchg and Numb like this.

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