Shame, regret and anxiety

Am 27 M virgin, rather by choice. Had 2-3 girlfriends, mostly dry humping is the sexual experience I had. Apart from that pretty successful. Educated working successful and independent.
Most of the guys you say enjoyed sex in their 20s are mostly unsuccessful in life in some important sphere. So there is nothing to worry about coz 30s is all left to rock the ladies.
That's a shame but it has enabled you to explore yourself. And now I guess that's vital.
You'll say that you're are monogamous single lady guy for special someone. She might be the one. It really does not matter.
Performance, I can't suggest anything.

What is the issue here? Don't you want to fall in love? Or want to love a lot of women? And who do you want to marry among them? And does it really matter if you marry your first love and make love to her your entire life..?

Chao.

 

Shame of PMO, being a virgin at a later age, performance issues and worrying what to say to an imaginary future partner all equate to anxiety and overthinking like you say as you are thinking about the past and future. The only way to overcome this is to be in a state of no mind and live in the now. Pay more attention to your body to alleviate overthinking (eg. breathing, exercise) and reduce stress hormones. It's a challenge to be aware of your thoughts all the time but it's possible to catch your thoughts and not get lost in them.
I'm a 34 year old single guy and last had a girlfriend when I was about 25. I am technically still a virgin as she performed oral but was unwilling to have penetrative sex. These things just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. It will take time to meet the right people in your life just try to overcome your anxiety first.

 

I had meaningless sex in my 20's, not much but still. Lost my first love because of that, and ofcourse porn. She left when i had my 30-th birthday, in a month got herself a new man. That broke me totally. Drinking, self pity and porn was were i ended up. Now 36y. and slowly recovering from all that pain, selfhatred, anxiety, porn addiction, feeling sorry for myself etc. I can tell you: Men are in their prime after 30. The ones who are quite succsessful, moraly stable etc. are the highest value for women. You dont need to tell that you are virgin, not right away (psychologically they think that theres smthng wrong with you). Allso i think that when you meet that special someone, you can feel it inside that its ok to tell her. Performance anxiety, for that take a small blue pill and put it in your wallet or somewhere easily accsessable place. When needed use it. And still, with that special someone i dont think you need it. First time is allways filled with performance anxiety.
No, you dont need to worry that you have had sex with one woman, if you love that woman it will be the best sex youll ever had.Hope you find yourself a good girlfriend and future wife someday and avoid the same mistakes i did. Stay strong

 

@rediscovery7 thanks for tagging me in and only too happy to try and provide some words of support. I was 31 before I had sex and had my first girlfriend. I found being 29 was a particularly difficult age with the prospect of turning 30 hanging over me and I was depressed at times. That was five years ago and feels like a lifetime in some ways. And I fully agree with 'Despicable me' above when he says "Men are in their prime after 30". Turning 30 may well be a new beginning for you... To take your points one at a time....

1. You have been a successful guy, and you have a lot going for you. These are all selling points to successful partners. In my online dating profiles for example, I always emphasise that I have my own house, good job etc. Even if online dating isn't your cup of tea, you always want to emphasise these points both to yourself and to potential partners, not in a bragging way, but it shows you would make an excellent partner to someone. Also remember that because you don't have a string of broken relationships behind you, you are a baggage free zone. I felt the same way about my 20's, and used to stay awake at night thinking about everything I thought I'd missed out on. But now I don't really consider it. It's the past. You can't change it. Your life has worked out the way it has and you have to concentrate on the present. If you meet the right woman, it really doesn't make a jot of difference because everything in your past has led you to this person. And anyway, people who've had dozens of sexual partners are no happier than the rest of us...
2. I wouldn't worry too much about porn addiction. Obviously I'm here too because I felt I had a problem. But in the grand scheme of things, it isn't something you want to lose any sleep over.
3. I personally didn't intend on telling my first girlfriend I'd never had sex, but she'd grilled me on past relationships and when I was evasive about it, she got the truth out of me. She really didn't care. So I wouldn't tell anyone unless they ask because although you may fear the worst, it just comes naturally and they're not going to know. I know woman may look like pro's in the bedroom department when we watch porn, but in real life (in my experience) they're generally more clumsy.
4. The more you think about performance anxiety, the more it's likely to happen. You just need to relax, take it very slowly and make sure you're sober.
5. I find it's best not to look at such discussions online. Just one flippant comment can gnaw away at you, such as the ones you quoted. If the first person you sleep with ends up being the last one then great. I don't think it will make you any more likely to be unfaithful.

I think you need a plan for how you will go about meeting potential partners. I have done it through online dating, but there are many other options. But hold your nerve, be confident, stay off the porn and get out there and start meeting people, and it will happen for you soon enough.

 

Thank you for that insight, thats one piece of the puzzle ive been missing.