Lack of self esteem

Since I was a child I suffered a lot because of low self esteem. I stopped PMOing because I thought it was the cause of my issues, but I'm realizing that it was on the contrary the consequence.
I was born as a "medium child": I have a 1 year older brother, an 11 months younger brother and a 9 years younger brother. Before the last one, I felt like I didn't deserve neither the considerations of the biggest brother nor the ones of the youngest one, and this is what caused me inferiority complexes that I still have to struggle with, even if it's something different now. Besides PMO I had to face issues related to anorexia, suiside impulses, self-punched gestures, etc.
Probably PMO was such a shelter of mine, a comfort solution that I built during my teenage.
However, all these things made me develop a strong will, and now.
But nevertheless I'm realizing that I'm unable to love myself enough because I don't really accept my defects, my body imperfections (I workout 4 times a week), the results of my job, and sometimes I don't feel like I have some fashion...
Since I realised that everything doesn't depend on my sacrifices, my diligence or in general on me, I got depressed because before now I was convinced of the opposite: infact my school results, my graduations and my physical shape depended on my diligence, but as it reguards job things change a lot. And so I'm learning to be more faithful to God and to step day by day following His will.

This is somethng about the story of my life, hopefully something interesting or inspiring.

 

As it reguards job, well... I almost had month-length employments, and since I have to do auditions and competitions for having more chances, I'm always nearly afraid of failure... Anyway, if there's a christian believer, please, pray for me and for my life, because sometimes I really need to have my ideas clearer

 

No, the only therapy is abstinence

 

Since I have the attitude of imposing myself things for stimulating my will, I decided to impose myself to train myself for relaxing. What do you think about that?

 

I just do mostly what you say: I work out 4 times a week in the morning before having breakfast, with the Tabata method (so that I save time for other activities), I daily go to church for mass, I pray, I read books when I have energies for doin' it; but than I don't feel like I'm satisfied for the results. Probably it's because of perfectionism or because I'm still victim of my schemes...

 

Actually I don't know, I just keep on livin' while I try to understand

 

Well, I think you're right in many things you're tellim me; as you can see I started my NOFAP journey from the beginning because I relapsed with P and a little M, even if I didn't have any O. I did it even just because I've been edging several times without any consciousness of it.

I don't have any girlfriend, since I broke up with my ex 2 or 3 years ago and I didn't have enough motivation to find another one. I've become more "demanding" on this side, but anyway never mind: I'm not pretty sure that's my source of happiness. I don't know if girls look at me as they were interested to me, but however it goes I try not to be interested on it. Infact, is it useless to be a sort of macho, some kind of sexy guy or something appreciable from all the girls of this world, if I'm not able to stay beside anyone of them?

There have been nights in which I fantasized to have a girlfriend, to share my bed with her, even without any sex, just to feel the contact, to caress her... well, they were moments of deep unhappiness... Now I don't do it that often, because I try to be fine first of all with myself, in order to improve my personality, my skills, etc.

You know what? I don't know if I really want a girlfriend, and I just kepp on livin day by day, trying to understand what God's will for the day; infact "each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6,34). As I've been prayin' and trusting in God, I found that many things in my life have become clearer, and I have no merits for it. I just try to be trustful.

My priority is to have a better stability with my job, but in any case I always realised that I don't own even my steps in the path I'm walkin' in... That's why - I say it again - I try to trust in God as much as i can (nobody can consider himself as percfect as if he reached the goals of existence: as life goes on, we have to keep on walking and gettin' better).

That's why, as I go on, I try to understand what God is demanding me, even if sometimes I'm afraid of His will.

As it reguards the personal side, when I need it I can speak with my mother, my grandmother or a very closed person of mine; but I have also a spiritual director that I personally appreciate a lot. Persons around me never miss (I also come from a quite big family: I have three brothers and four dogs!).

Unfortunately I don't have so much time to spend with other people because my daily business is fully planned: when i get up I work out, I have shower, breackfast, daily mass, and most of all practicing with my horn (the instrument in the picture of my account), that is something needing around 6 or 8 hours each day. I just have 10 minutes pauses, so I read books or do the things that I have to do at home like: feeding dogs, cleaning the kitchen, preparing some food, doing applications for auditions or competitions, etc... I'm practically busy during the day, and I arrive to dinner a little tired, and I go sleeping as early as I can, in order to get earlier the following morning for having more time to do the things that I have to do.

Probably I'm repressing many things because of my sense of duty, and it's a shame... Sometimes I feel really really tired of my mental rigidity and my schemes, so tired that I have to change something in my plans... And that's what I'm learning to do. Because one day, when I grow older, even my health can be damaged.

Hope I've answered you questions

 

I'm very glad to see your comment!

 

You're very closed to the right interpretation of my feelings.

I don't have a girlfriend because I wanna be sure that the next girl that I'm gonna have as a girlfriend will be my future wife. Because otherwise it will be another mess of mine, and it is not worth it. Now I want to give a real meaning to my life.
Life was made to be given to the others, but only God knows the right place for everyone of us. That's what I'm trying to understand: will I be married? Will I be a priest, a monk or something similar? I don't know. I will see it in the proper time.

Emotionally I'm not that repressing, I just am concentrated on my duty, that is a lot. But the risk is always behind the corner.

The reason for my sorrow is probably my pride, because I often think that I'm the real owner of myself but in the same time I don't know what to do with my life, and for sure I'll be deeply unhappy if I follow my instinct in my choices.

I try to spend time with persons, but I'm always on a hurry.

I don't wanna look for PMO anymore, because the last time I did it I felt bored and a little disappointed: it was not what I was looking for.

Then I have a diet plan that I follow in order to be on shape.

I'm sorry if write too much