I feel lonely after thinking about a young woman

August 2017, I move to a city to study Bachelors Degree in Law and Administration. Next month, I meet this girl at a gym center and I start to train there regularly. No contact were made. I look at her and she is the sex-bomb in the gym, the only hottest girl there, short and petite. She looks the same age as me (20 y.o. back then) but I do not interact any conversation with her, just focused on my training. In addition to that I had low self esteem and was addicted to PMO (still fighting it). I do not notice her correctly until I came back after Christmas holidays. I begin to take my training seriously with various training techniques and programs I try. And I was slowly making new friends from my class, in order to live a healthy student life than being a loner for 3-4 years of study. I felt I have gained better self esteem every day, but the issue in my life was my addiction on porn and masturbation. Every time I feel stress or pressure, I would turn to porn and use a fleshlight to relieve stress and anxiety but the latter kept coming back anyways.

Back to crush-on-a-girl-I-don't-know situation, I take my training more seriously and this gym-girl is still training there with a tank top and yoga pants, only to revealing how tanned and hot she is with her petite shaped body. I find out randomly where she works at as I stumble on to her manager by asking for a product, so I look at the girl for a second and she recognizes me. The more I meet this girl at the gym center and throw several glances, the more I get interested to start a conversation with her but did not ever happen. I kept thinking on what I should have said to her? How to start pick her up? I have even watched seduction advice videos on Youtube and read articles such as "How to pick up a gym bunny?", but I have wasted my time on those because the more I kept giving myself stupid excuses like "another time", the more it just kept going on like this every day and start to sexually fantasize about her due to the addiction and her shaped body and tanned skin. All the chances I've to interact a conversation with her got blown away and I did not see her again before I moved back to my hometown for summertime.

Three months of vacation, I fantasized a few times about her that I began to feel some sort of crush on her. Crush on a girl i don't know at all... August 2018, new study year starts and I move to a new dorm near the college university. I am so happy and energetic, have high self esteem, abstained from the addiction for a month and participate in a two-week welcoming party as a host member who arranged it for new students. As I knew where the gym-girl work at, I also have a friend who works there too. At a nightclub a talk with my friend about the gym-girl and she gave me her name + some information. The week later I need neon-light for en event, so I travel to a shopping mall and went to the retail store where my crush works at and almost found what I wanted, so I bought it. She gives me a good customer service that I was highly motivated to get to know her but I blew that like a shy idiot. I ask where she's from and that's it. I wasn't going to call her by name, such as:

"How do you know my name?"

"An acquaintance gave me your name".

The conversation did not go like that as I thought it would be weird and she would feel uncomfortable. But since I blew it and I was a shy idiot, I could look the disappointment on her face after I told her "have a good day!" and asked what the clock is so I could grab the last bus. Sadly there were no buses at that time and next bus arrives for a half hour. I had the time to fix my mistake but even more sadder, the shy idiot me walked away from the shopping mall and I almost never saw her again...

I visited the shopping several times. I knew she worked there almost every day when she took an online study type college education (learned that from my friend). I had so many chances back and threw them away, again. I lost focus on her when I noticed another girl I met at the welcoming party. However that did not last long. February this year I fantasize about the gym-girl again and no approach whatsoever. However by March I feel some kind of abnormal vibe, an unknown feeling where I feel and find out that my crush had left town and moved back to her hometown for her dream job, some 1.5 hours away. This was before spring break. Ever since September 2018 I've kept trying to improve myself not to mention the addiction I have where I broke my Nofap-streak several times, had a crush on someone I personally never knew, having sexual thought about her, and the empty feeling when I find out she moved... That is when I was so naive and figured out that porn has figuratively damaged my brain into tricking me to believe it was just "another girl" as there were no interaction, fantasizing a fantasy world where it's about me and her, both virgins and how we would live happy together, that I would have intercourse with her so many times as a consequence of her petite hot shaped body. There were no rules, only me and her. A pretty psychological abnormal fantasy if you ask me. I know nobody but me who has that kind of mindset.

When I relapsed several days, I kept thinking about that gym-girl again and again, until I felt this rush of emotional rollercoaster which led me to research her Instagram account and found tons of pictures about her, pictures that exposed everything I thought wrong about her, etc. Despite that I hate Instagram from before, I scrolled down to look at more picture to see what kind of girl she is. I felt angry, desperate, frustrated at what sort of naive guy I am that I went out and started to exercise for an hour. I thought about comparing myself to her but then remembered that everyone is different. When I came home I made a rock music playlist with relaxed songs and some alternative rock music so that I would relax my emotions, block the anger and try to forget someone I never knew. I will never again fall into that same trap again. I am so tired of this mistake and cannot wait to spend this summer with people I am closest to so that I could focus more on abstaining from PMO and exercise seriously again, in addition, find a summer job.

What is your opinion on my awkward story? I take all the criticism and advices to help me improve myself in the long term.

 

We don't know each other! That is the problem! I am awkwardly looking at Instagram pictures of hers. But that said I finally made peace with the that unhealthy fantasy I had and moved on. Went to gym near my dorm, exercised and came back to a cold shower to clear my mind. Now I should be aware to not break my NoFap streak as I improve myself once a day

 

Gotta be honest. What you said is powerful enough to force me and motivate me to move on better with my life, reach my REBOOT moment and find out the true mening about relationship and love. Thanks man!