I am nearly going mad

I am 36 years old and I believe I am in deep shit.

I am addicted to porn for the past 22 years. I can't stop looking for porn, mobile games and binge eating. I used to get easily aroused when I see porn but since the last decade I lose interest quickly and need to seek new actresses. I battle within myself of my urges, but always lose out - every single time. This pandemonium within me is draining my mental, driving me insane.

This pain of helplessness is not an aliment, but a chronic disaster. The agony I feel that I am becoming literally dumber, more sad and depress as each day goes by makes me doubt about my meaning in life. I wish I could turn back time - that is how delusional I am. However, I feel the last bit of my consciousness is still intact - barely, telling me not to do anything stupid. But this is my last stand. I need to fight this off.

Forgiveness is a big step I resolved recently. It took me 30 years to forgive my family for the abuse. After a tearful hour of communicating, the hatred simply dissolved; it is that simple. I do not feel elated, nor do I feel euphoric. It is just plain relief, followed by calmness. It is hard to admit I have all these addictions, but I need to forgive myself and learn to move on the right direction.