Journal of My Story..... Thoughts | Feelings | Healing | Partners Recovery

I heard a great analogy yesterday. I had to take my youngest child to a youth psychologist as he's struggling with a number of issues lately, problems at school, smoking pot everyday, in trouble with the police and the latest he's been doing is cutting. The man he seen was lovely and my son liked him so I hope the coming weeks he'll be able to help guide him in a better direction. He was explaining to my son the process of how they work there and said I'd like to draw something because it's easier to understand my point. He drew two mountains, and then him climbing up one mountain and my son climbing up the other. He said we are both here in life dealing with all our stuff and our problems, he said I'm not perfect and I have stuff I'm trying to work out and goals that I'd like to achieve etc....he said we are both trying to get to the top of our mountains and I'm not here to force you or to make you do anything that you don't want to do. I'm only here to make some suggestions, maybe give you some ideas, or help you see some things you may not be able to see right now. He said but there's one thing we both need to understand. He said at no point am I ever going to climb down my mountain and come and push you up yours and at no point will I ever expect you to climb down yours to help push me up my mountain. He said what we can do though, is call out to one another and help each other take the next step. He said, I might see a ledge or crevice that I can guide you to grab on to because you may be to close to even see it and you might do the same for me. We can encourage and support and be there for one another, and help each other get to the top.

When I heard that Analogy, I just loved it!! And I've thought about it a lot since.

Over the past near decade, I can't count how many times I have climbed down my own mountain at my own expense to help push my husband up his own mountain in relation to his porn addiction, his masturbation addiction and his intimacy anorexia. Although I'm more aware of it these days, his problems and how they affect me, still gets in the way of me being able to be the best person I can possibly be and to reach my full potential and to achieve everything I can as a person. His issues still get me down, I still suffer trauma, I still have so much uncertainty of the future and it has hugely affected my self esteem, my happiness, my inner peace and just everything really - frame of mind, anxiety....the list could go on. But yeah, it was a great ANALOGY I thought.....and today's message to myself. I am not climbing down my mountain ever again to help push my husband or anyone else for that matter to get up there's. I'm exhausted and I'm not getting anywhere in my own life. From now on I'm focusing and climbing up my own mountain ALWAYS!! I'll help support and suggest idea's where I can but ultimately it's him that has to push himself up and be the driving force up his own mountain!!! And my son too of course has to do that, but yeah I just couldn't help but apply this to my Adult Child as well.

 

Yes I agree @Rock_Star in more ways than one it's definitely , or should be the same mountain in a marriage / family but I was kind of looking at it I guess from an individual point of view , where even though we are married we still are our own individual people and we can never lose sight of that , otherwise we are nothing but co-dependent really. But really , I think you are right too.... I think there's our own mountain and also the mountain we climb together....both exist in reality. And yes , no-one wants a dead weight, life's too short hey....and yeah it does always feel one sided, me trying to help him with all his issues, me being the support and I don't always feel I get the same back....all of these battles he has , it feels like he can be very self absorbed and selfish.....

edit: And you know the more I think about what your saying, climbing the same mountain, I guess you know, it's never really felt like that with his porn addiction, masturbation addiction, intimacy anorexia. These behaviours that he chose over our marriage excluded me from our mountain journey together. He married porn not me. He preferred fucking himself over being intimate with me. He chose IA over being intimate with me. So in many ways, we never even been climbing the same mountain together. And he still struggles to include me in his journey or to create a journey together.....hmmmm lots of food for thought....thanks for your insight!

 

I just seen this and felt like sharing it....to all you SO’s out there!!!

 

It can be so hard as a parent to just sit back and watch because that’s all you can do as they don’t want to listen or don’t care for any of your help or guidance....with 3 teenagers between 15 and 19 I struggle with this on a daily basis. Well done to you to be able to lovingly detach as you have done. I will think of what you’ve said as I find myself in these same predicaments with them. As a parent I know I’m at that point now especially with the older ones that I have to accept that they are young adults now and whether I disagree or am concerned with their choices, ultimately I have to stand aside and let them learn for themselves, and learn from their own mistakes if that’s what it takes. I am constantly up against the resistance and rebellion that you speak of with your own son. Thanks for sharing @Lostneverland, it really helps put a lot of things into clearer perspective x

 

Driving home these 2 songs came on the radio... could relate to both in someways through different experiences I've felt. Great songs!!

 

So the last two weeks for us have been distant and disconnected, arguing and getting nowhere. It started over a couple stupid things he did when we were at an event (buggered up a heap of photos and later sat on and broke my glasses) it should have been resolved quickly but it just unfolded into a shit fight and battle of wills I think. I was upset because of what he’d done but I was also upset that he didn’t really seem to care, just had an oh well attitude at the time. To not spoil the day it was left at that but came up again the following night when he couldn’t replace my glasses and I again expressed my annoyance at his clumsiness and his lack of care at the time. Instead of just saying I’m sorry and I should have shown more care at the time he turned it all around on me and said it was just as much my fault and then listed about 10 other things that had happened during the day and all these hypothetical scenarios that if I’d done this to him, he knows exactly how I would have felt and reacted and all this and made the argument all about that. Even though half of what he was saying hadn’t even happened as he was portraying it, he couldn’t stick to the actual situation and basically just kept cutting me off and talking over the top of me, turning the tables and negating everything I said. So I felt like he just gaslit my arseoff for the next 2 hours and was just being a total prick. I put a gaslighting boundary in place which being the 3rd one in the last 10 months it was up to 10 days separate sleeping arrangements. He stopped doing his daily checkins and his IA dailies for the next few days because he was angry and didn’t want to talk to me and when I finally asked him about it he told me about an incident 2 nights before where he woke up horny and hard on the lounge busting to go to the toilet, thinks he may have awoke from some sexual dream, went to the toilet , ended up feeling and stroking the end of his penis because it was hard and it felt good and basically orgasmed after a few strokes. He was at 184 days PMO free. So this led to me saying well he’s broken the telling me within 24hr rule which is another broken boundary to which he got annoyed and said to me “whatever” and said it was nothing, that it wasn’t masturbating or anything really because 1) it happened so quick 2) it wasn’t planned 3) he wasn’t fantasising or using porn. Well I felt immediately gaslit again through his minimisation of it, that it’s all in my head and I’m blowing it out of proportion etc...so he got another 1 week separate sleeping arrangements for not telling me on his own accord within 24hrs, which he blamed that on our already not really getting along/talking even though he knows no matter what he has to be honest with me. So 2 weeks have passed since the consequences have been put in place and he’s made no attempt to initiate a conversation, nothing positive or constructive to help us move forward. He’s just been negative, and full of self pity and feeling yet again like the victim. He’s doing Intimacy Anorexia recovery work , has been for about 70 days and for the past 2 weeks he’s done everything that he’s not supposed to do and not once tried to pull himself up or recognise his behaviour. I’ve called him out multiple times to which he’s replied he doesn’t care, he’s doing it to protect himself and he’s doing it because of me and the way I am. So this basically can consists of him blaming me, criticising everything I say outwardly and internally, stonewalling, distancing and disconnection. I feel like everything is more important and more a priority than me or our relationship. This is nothing different to how I’ve felt most our marriage. In the past few days I’ve said I’m not sure I want to be in the relationship anymore and what does the future really even hold for us? It’s just how I feel and how I’ve been thinking. He is now angry at me about that because all he sees is where it all started, how the argument began and that’s it. Feels that he can’t even prove a point which is apparently what the last 2 weeks has been about because I just start saying I want to leave. But for me I see everything very differently to him. I see the IA behaviour/patterning that he defaults to and where he’s been for 2 weeks, I see nothing constructive or positive that he’s tried and considering he’s supposed to be learning and improving over the past 10 months shouldn’t I be seeing some progress some change in him trying different techniques instead of reverting to his old patterning. I see myself going through all this hell again with the same man who has made my life a living hell with his porn addiction, masturbation addiction, IA , his lies and betrayals for the past 2 decades and I see the same man who my future was dependent on his growth and his changes to determine whether I wanted to stay with him. 10 months ago on his last D Day I should have left after everything he has already put me through, they say give it 12 months before making any critical decisions. These are all the things I see and think about and all he sees is how the stupid argument began in the first place, not the totality of everything. Not his patterning and behaviour over the past 2 weeks just how it started that’s it. So I find myself questioning everything, questioning what does the future hold, what is there to look forward to, is this the kind of daily / weekly kind of life that my entire future holds? He can’t understand why I even look at everything like this. We spoke about this briefly this morning and I said what are his hopes for the future in terms of our relationship, like what does he want for us, what are his aspirations or goals for us. He says for things to be better and for us to be more connected. I say but what have we got to look forward to, what do you want with me? He says travel one day maybe and that was basically it. I just don’t know anymore. None of it feels real. I don’t think he even thinks about these things. I feel disconnected I don’t know what his journey or plans for the future are and I don’t feel apart of any of it, to be honest I don’t think he knows either, he says it’s just to get through the daily grind of life, and everything going on, and the kids and stuff and he doesn’t really have any goals/plans beyond that and sure it is very much like that but I’m just feeling like there’s nothing really to live for, to look forward to, to be excited for , to work toward, I don’t know maybe I want and expect too much, he does always tell me that....maybe I do want expect too much....I just don’t know!

 

So he said he’d stay home from work today because he was buying a new car this morning and I said so why do you need to take the day off? Thinking that he may also want to finally discuss some things with me. He said that wasn’t part of his train of thought but he could do that as well. So he got back at 11 and then spent the next 2 hrs doing stuff related to his new toy. I spent 2 hrs wondering when he was going to get around to me. Apparently I am important and a priority in his life, funny how it never feels like that. Anyway, I got sick of waiting and I’m not initiating everything for him either so I went to my room. An hour later he’s just come in to get his keys and says he’s removing the stereo from his old car now and then he’ll talk to me. Our daughters home now and I need to go pick up my son in 20 minutes. This is what he calls making me a priority in his life. Two weeks of nothing but stonewalling from him and then just leaves me waiting around most the day and now the kids are all due home from school. Yep such a priority in his life!!

 

So we had a talk, I didn’t feel like we really resolved a lot but I said how I am feeling and he listened at least. I wanted constructive positive suggestions and ideas but he didn’t give anything. He was more just quiet, deflated and depressed looking. I told him that I’m feeling like I want more fun in our lives, more variety, a more interesting relationship. I want to feel alive and excited and feel like I’m hopeful for the future , things to look forward to, things to be working towards, to feel like we are on a journey to somewhere together. I want to feel more real authentic connection and feelings from him. I want to feel important, I want to feel passion and I want to feel inspired. Things have been pretty good between us the last couple of months prior to the last couple of weeks but I still feel like things are somewhat dull and boring and ordinary too. He has for the most part been pretty diligent with his IA recovery work but also at the expense of doing no PA recovery work, that has concerned me too and the slip that happened to me is evidence that he needs to be doing more. It can’t just be all IA. But I’m also feeling like our whole relationship is just his recovery work. It’s work all day, recovery work, normal daily stuff, kids, every day problems and that’s it. At the moment I think I’m just frustrated that I don’t feel fulfilled. After decades of all of this hell hole life and now I just want more and it can’t come fast enough. I’m exhausted, uninspired and bored. And after 2 weeks of a major landslide backwards I guess for me it’s just brought all this closer to the surface for me. I just wish he had positive inspiring constructive things to say and to want to try. He just mostly sits there in his hopelessness and not saying anything much at all. He doesn’t inspire hope in me, he makes me feel lost and directionless in this relationship with him. I told him lately I don’t even feel sexually satisfied. I try to be super patient and I certainly don’t mean to make him feel bad but his whole masturbation / porn addiction has ruined our sex life because he suffers PE and so I find it’s just frustrating for me mostly and sometimes I feel like I can’t be bothered anymore. Like it’ll be a whole lot of stop start stop start business which is difficult to get aroused with or it’s over and done with in 30-45 seconds. I know he can’t help it and I’ve never given him a hard time about it but it’s just another thing on top of everything. We used to have a pretty good sex life, it was something that we actually had going that worked well for both of us at least for the most part. But that’s the downside now of no porn / masturbation which I definitely can’t live with of course, how it’s destroyed our marriage and his being but I’m now left with this too....it feels like a no win situation. Well I feel better I guess, that I said how I’m feeling but I don’t know how to make it any better and he seems totally uninspired to make anything better either at this point but he at least knows how I feel at the moment. I just wish he would take it and try and do something constructive and positive with it rather than just sulk and wallow in self pity and do nothing....

 

I looked at my last 3 posts on the computer last night and they basically look like massive chunks of writing but it’s because I wrote them from my phone. I’m still on my phone will have to remember paragraphs but it sometimes just interrupts the flow of thoughts....

So last night I asked him if he wanted to watch the last episodes of GOT. We haven’t done anything together in the last 2 weeks and missed watching this last show. So he came and laid in our room and watched it together, by the end I was snuggled in my blanket and nearly asleep and he went back to the lounge.

This morning I just found totally confusing and not sure how I feel about it. I was asleep and he’d had his shower and was basically ready for work but he came and got in bed with me and just snuggled me. He was still in his undies. It felt nice I guess but I am also feeling just so confused with how I feel towards him at the moment about our lives together, our whole relationship ....so he just laid there snuggling me and after a few minutes I said to him you know you still haven’t been doing your check ins or dailies and it’s been 4 nights and you know it’s a boundary of mine. He said I know and I said well I was going to talk to you today about it because you know I need to implement a consequence and he said yes and I said you don’t have a problem with that and he said no. I think it’s his 2nd time which will be an extra 1 week separate sleeping arrangements. I only implement them if it’s been more than 3 days and last night was his 4th night in a row...I said what were you thinking to come lay with me and he said he just felt like being close to me and maybe if he feels close to me he may be able to get out of the horrible depression and self pity victim mode he’s been in for 2 weeks. He said he feels that my gaslighting consequence was undeserving which I totally disagreed and defended and then went on to say why and the things he’d done. He still totally disagreed with me but he’s laying there spooning me and stroking me and I just felt uncomfortable now. We basically just started repeating the same things over, he thinks he’s right, he doesn’t think treating me like he did for 2 hours straight was unjust because all he wanted to do was talk to me. In that 2 hours he didn’t do anything reasonable to try and just talk to me. He was just throwing fuel on the fire and being a total prick. He may have wanted to talk but his actions were everything opposite to having a reasonable amicable discussion. So he says to me his sorry for all his behaviour basically but still thinks my consequence was undeserving. By now I just don’t want him even spooning me anymore and I just feel totally confused with it. He finally gets up and then leaves for work and I just feel frustrated and misunderstood to the max.

 

Today I am staying positive and climbing my mountain!​

Goals for Today!

Business
- Update my website
- At least 1 hour toward my annual certifications
- Work on some marketing ideas

Personal
- Meditation
- 30 min workout
- Give myself a toner/hair treatment
& face mask

Relationship
- 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book
- update B & C's

House
- Tidy up
- Clean the Pantry & Fridge out
- Transplant my snowpeas (if it stops raining!)
- Finances when H gets home

 

Boundary & Consequences (Update)


PRIMARY BOUNDARIES

• I need total honesty. Don’t dare lie to me. This includes but is not limited to omitting information, keeping secrets of any kind i.e. secret devices or secret ways of making money like surveys

• Do not look at porn or porn substitutes of any kind such as images of women or naked women, movies or TV shows with naked women/sexually explicit content or fantasise about it while masturbating. Any pornography, masturbation, or orgasm, or sexual contact with another person, you are to notify me within 24 hours or at our next daily check-in whichever is earliest. (You have to tell me. I should never discover any of it on my own) If I suspect something & ask you, you need to be honest with me immediately.
  
  
• You will take full responsibility and an active interest and initiative in your own recovery subject to us both discussing and agreeing that it’s relevant, useful and effective. You need to do something at least daily and spend at least 6 hours each week working your recovery (I will support and help you if needed but I’m not going to hunt down any recovery tool or mechanism. This isn’t my disease/dysfunction. It is yours. You own it. You are an adult. You need to behave and figure it out like one). Your recovery work doesn’t just stop when your pissed off and angry.

PRIMARY CONSEQUENCES

For each of these things individually

• First violation, you will sleep in another room for 1 week

• Second violation, you will sleep in another room for 2 weeks

• Third violation, you will sleep in another room for 1 month

• Fourth violation, you will sleep at another location for 2 weeks

SECONDARY BOUNDARIES

• We will have minimum 10-15 min early evening check-in. This is to state whether you are “No PMO or Not”. Also, to discuss sexual/porn related thoughts, feelings, urges, slips throughout the past 24 hrs, as well as your recovery progress. YOU are to initiate these. We also need to start doing FANOS weekly. (This is mostly to get us back to where we are supposed to be with intimacy. The more the better) Skipping these check-ins is a Violation. If things are tense or heated between us, then it will be done through private message in NoFap rather than not at all.
  
  
• Don’t replace your porn addiction with another addiction such as Gaming. Spending more time Gaming than you are developing “Other Interests or Hobbies” or working on your Recovery is not acceptable.
  
  
• You will ACTIVELY LISTEN to my feelings, my pain, my trauma, and betrayal and you will validate them as they are NOT SUBJECT to ARGUMENT or CONFRONTATION. NOTHING CAN JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS / REACTIONS TO ANYTHING I AM ALLEGED TO HAVE DONE. (You owe me this much. I have earned the right to my feelings of pain, trauma, and betrayal). You will start understanding BT and implement the tools/suggestions from Doug’s Weiss’s Helping her Heal.

• You will NOT GASLIGHT me in the relationship or blame me for anything. Read the information you have on Gaslighting and the ways in which you do it. Nor will you use Passive Aggressive behaviour toward me. (I will not accept any responsibility for your behaviour. You own your behaviour just like anyone else. So, don’t try to lay blame on me for your actions. I will not tolerate it). You can’t use Gaslighting techniques just because you feel misunderstood or not heard. You need to start using constructive & positive tools and initiate proper discussions that are aimed at resolving and moving forward.

• You will stop making money such as cash vouchers / eGift cards. This means surveys or any other type of untraceable money making. This is due to the level of uncertainty, lack of record of spending and all the problems between us that have resulted.

• You will not blame me if you don’t have any money. Your feelings on having no money is a result of our financial circumstances. You will not blame or get upset at me for tracking your spending. This is a budgeting necessity applicable to both of us. It is also the collateral damage caused by your porn addiction, your signing up to sex services and the extreme amount of uncertainty and damage it has caused me, as well as the broken trust from your decades long of lying to me.

• I have access to look at ANYTHING including but not limited to your devices, cash vouchers, gift cards etc at anytime and if wanted WITHOUT YOUR INVOLVEMENT. The meaning of Without Involvement doesn’t change due to your feelings at the time or your need to discuss things at the time. You will have to wait! I do not have to ask, I already have your in advance consent.

• Ideally you should Own, Acknowledge & Apologise for a Boundary Breech by the time the consequence is finished so that we can have closure and begin moving forward. Having no closure on issues has always been an obstacle in this relationship. Also, it is not necessary that you agree with my boundary breeches or consequences. They are for my protection and safety not for your punishment.
  
  
• When we make Agreements, it is your responsibility to write them in the Agreement Book in detail so there’s no confusion. You are to get me to check and confirm that what you’ve written is what we agreed to. This is due to you frequently “failing to remember agreements we make”. If they are not written up and you fail to comply with said Agreement, then the DECISION IS “THAT THE AGREEMENT WAS MADE AND YOU HAVE FAILED TO COMPLY” due to either denying it or having forgotten it. Broken agreements in the agreement book is a violation.

• You will learn about “The Circles” so an exact description of your middle and inner circle behaviours can be included in these boundaries. This is to determine exactly what will constitute Porn Substitutes. This is to be done ASAP!

SECONDARY CONSEQUENCES

For each of these things individually

• First violation, you will sleep in another room for 3 nights

• Second violation, you will sleep in another room for 1 week

• Third violation, you will sleep in another room for 10 nights

• Fourth violation, you will sleep in another room for 2 weeks

NOTE: “These are not punishments, nor should they be construed as such” These are my Boundaries & Consequences. These are for my protection, my safety, and my security. They are not subject to negotiation unless I feel the need to renegotiate.

Please DO NOT test me on any of these. I have thought long and hard about them, I have consulted experts on them, and this is my minimum level of expectation that I have for our relationship. If you cannot agree to these or you make little or no effort to abide by these boundaries, speak now or for ever hold your peace, and we won’t waste each other’s time.”


Boundary Parameters (to address apparent loopholes)

• Can’t be on any show/movie on standard TV that contains nudity/sex scenes for ANY reason. i.e Excuses such as I was just watching a part that didn’t have the nudity or sex scene is not excusable!! It’s your responsibility to check IMDB on what you are watching.

• It is not ok to hang on channels such as SBS or 7MATE etc that contain a lot of sexually explicit content. You should be already aware of this!! Agreed to delete these channels off all TVs.

• Do not use your Feelings as excuses for why you did something that ultimately resulted in a boundary violation.

• You will validate & acknowledge the Facts (being the end result) of any wrong doing that occurs and you will put your feelings and “why it happened” aside. Once you acknowledge and validate your wrong doing then we can discuss feelings or the “why”.

• Gaslighting violations are relevant to the entirety of our relationship and not just your porn addiction.

• To avoid you lying during daily check-in the ’24-hour’ rule will now be as follows. You must come clean within 24 hours or at the next Check-in whichever is earliest. This will avoid the loophole of lying at Check-In because of the 24-hour rule. My preference is you just tell me straight away, even if that means needing to call me! Also, if I SUSPECT something, and ASK YOU DIRECTLY then IMMEDIATE honesty is required THERE and THEN. You can have the option of details later if you feel the need, but you must own the slip or relapse if there’s been one.

• No more Movie swapping at work. We can watch our own movies & TV shows at home. You need to stop the movie/TV show obsession to collect especially when a lot of these movies contain nudity/sex scenes movies and also coming from the same people that you also obtained porn from.

Last Updated: 4/6/19

 

After yesterday morning when he came in after his shower and wanted to snuggle me (as i wrote about yesterday) and I'd told him I now have to implement a consequence for 3 days in a row of no check-ins or dailies, he came and apologised to me last night and asked if he could do his check-in and dailies. So I'm glad he has decided to stop being stubborn there. The consequence still stands though, what's the point of boundaries if I don't uphold the consequences. Because he was already on a consequence to do with gaslighting & a M slip which was 2.5 weeks separate sleeping arrangements, the not doing his check-ins has added another week because it's a 2nd time violation, so now separate sleeping arrangements are in place til next Thursday. It was supposed to end tomorrow. I was a bit annoyed at first but I feel fine about it now. I actually don't mind our separate sleeping arrangement consequences when they happen because it means things have started to derail in the relationship and it gives us both time to reevaluate, to think about what's going on and more time and space to start thinking and working on ourselves more.

So this morning after his shower he came in and wanted to hop in bed and snuggle me again. I told him I'm not sure I wanted it and told him how uncertain I am feeling about everything. I said he needs to understand it from my point of view. For 2 weeks he's refused to discuss issues with me, ignored me when I've tried, stonewalled, distanced himself and been totally disconnected, pretty much what I call his "IA'ing Out" otherwise known as acting in. And when he hasn't done this he's gone straight into his blame and criticising of how everything's my fault and just outright stubborn and full of self-pity. So it's hard for me on the receiving end of this to now really want to feel any affection from him as I'm really not feeling affectionate.

I asked him why he wants to and he said because it's the only way he knows how to stop all the fighting and to start feeling close to me. I told him ok but I'm not sure I really want it. So we layed there and he was snuggling me from behind and so I decided to tell him about what I was reading about in the Holding Me Tight book last night, the book we are supposed to be reading together but it kind of went to the wayside. He said he had read the same chapter last night after I told him during check-in that I was reading it. So it was the first conversation in the book - Demon Dialogue. We discussed how I think it very much applies to us, when there's an upset, a disagreement, something has happened and one of us is upset we definitely go into the demon dialogue. Its all about blaming the other person, which then spirals into a never ending cycle / dance of whose fault it was, a lot of fault finding, getting more and more tense and upset, becoming more and more stubborn and angry and ending up saying more and more hurtful things and pointing out all the reasons why the other is always to blame, pointing out each others flaws and negative traits which just fuels the never ending cycle.

I told him I can definitely see how we do this, especially in this situation that is so clear in my head. It's basically whats been going on for 2 weeks now. He agreed and the idea is we need to be able see when we are going into this dance and to say to one another we are starting to do that dance again and then talk about our feelings and thoughts without all the blame and fault finding. Definitely not easy in the heat of the moment but we agreed it's something we both need to start working on. And then there was the Polka Dance which is us to an absolute tee. So we are on bad terms, an arguments happened and he starts to distance, withdraw, totally disconnect and refuses to give me any emotional response whatsoever. And then I, trying to reach him do the poking, prodding and pretty much anything to evoke some kind of communication, connection or emotional response from him. Because he ignores it I end up more and more frustrated and angry at him, tell him or even yell at him that he just doesn't care, he's basically being an arsehole and not trying to resolve anything which then causes him to go further into his distancing and disconnection and so the Polka Dance / Cycle goes. We do this so much. So I haven't got to the end of the chapter on it yet, so not sure what the suggestions are on it yet but I'm sure the first one will be to start to recognise the patterns.

So it was good that we at least spoke about that and then he was starting to want sex and getting all horny and I said no. I don't want it. I wasn't sure I even wanted the cuddle but it's been nice and I'm more interested in mind and heart connection at this stage and now I'm feeling like you just want physical connection. So I started to get annoyed. The physical connection means nothing to me if the mind / heart connection is not there. And I just didn't feel like I really wanted it. It'd be over and done with in seconds because it's been a few weeks since we've had sex and he has PE and he only had a few minutes til he had to race out the door. So I said No. Plus I've ordered him some Edge Delay Gel which hopefully arrives tomorrow and I want to try that because I'm getting to a point in the last few months where I'm feeling like I can't be bothered with sex because of the PE. As I talked about in my post 2 or 3 back, I know it's not his fault but I'm finding it increasing difficult to get aroused with this whole stop start stop start sex as it is. So anyway, I just didn't feel like it given everything so he stopped briefly but then still kept trying and I told him off for just sexualising me now. I know he's horny and I'm sorry but he'll just need to handle it because I'm not feeling forced into it because he's horny and I'm not even feeling the same.

Anyway, he got over that and I made a coffee and he quickly finished getting ready for work and left. He gave me a cuddle and kiss and we had a much better morning parting than we have in 2 weeks so that's something good I guess...

 

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Today I am fanning my tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement​

Goals for Today!

Business
- Work on some marketing ideas
- Complete a webinar toward my CPE hours
- Setup 2nd client office

Personal
- Meditation
- 30 min of my Anxiety CBT material
- Epilady / personal grooming
- Consider possibility of finishing last year of my degree / contact
the uni maybe
- Listen to a podcast (listened to a few Doug Weiss Love & Sex podcasts)

Relationship
- 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book
- 30 mins of Married & Alone exercises
- Start doing the 3 dailies myself with H

House
- Clean the Pantry & Fridge out
- General Tidy up
- Get curtain material for Laundry & Son's Room
- Order Bathroom Exhausts
- Order phone parts

 

I woke up this morning and was thinking about my old job , the field related to my uni studies where I had a year to finish. I didn't mind the actual work itself but the thought of being there or even in my position prior to that which was similarly related just totally turns me off. It's not the work itself, it's the being there 9 to 5pm in those same four walls at that same desk every day that turns me off. And the environment and the people i worked with. A small number were lovely and genuinely friendly, sincere and caring people but many were not. A very cut throat environment where you could never really trust that people were sincere or had your back. And then low pay in comparison to what is a lot of time, effort and such a huge part of one's life. So the point being I guess although I loved my studies mostly and enjoyed the actual work, I hated the environment and the rigidity of the work hours every day. I suppose most people do right? Admittedly there was a lot going on at the time, children to manage, rebuilding of our home while still living in it, husband refusing recovery and still heavily stuck in his addiction and lost and disconnected to me, my betrayal trauma and just full on anxiety / depression at everything going on, major financial concerns, university studies and then trying to also juggle my job, it was no wonder I broke down in the end and just resigned in the end. I was a stressed out mess. For the most part I managed everything well but I was exhausted and felt so lost and unhappy.

So when I think about going back to my studies, I'm not sure I want to go back to that conformity and rigidity. I would like to at least have the degree finished but is it worth the $12K to go and finish if I'm not sure I want to pursue that field anymore. When I think about it I think no. The only good part is the potential earnings once I was fully qualified and had more experience, $60 to $80 an hour in the right job. But a lot of ongoing professional development, pressure and a constantly changing field. So I started my own home business, in a similarly related field but because of relationship / and other family struggles, my own mental / emotional struggles with everything I've found it hard to keep in the right frame of mind. Advertising / marketing is costly and sifting through the clients that are worth keeping, not just using you or want to only pay you peanuts can be difficult. Still it has given me a little extra money but nothing in comparison to a regular and consistent income. What I do love though, is the flexibility, calling my own shots, being able to work around the kids and family life and being able to work from home. Socially it can be isolating though. I could be doing a lot better if I could just keep myself in a more focused , healing and positive state of mind. And to reach more desirable good clients - ones that are worth having.

Then I have interests in other totally non related fields. And I wonder should I pursue my interests and do study in those areas or keep focusing on my current business. The more I think about it, the money might be better spent there and to pursue something entirely different. But the problem is I don't know if it's something that I'd genuinely like to work in or if it's just something I find very interesting. And then I often think about starting up an online business of some sort selling stuff. It's something I could easily run from home, and have thought of often. The hardest part is what to sell and locating good wholesalers.

Well, over the next week I have 3 iPhones to repair lol, screen replacements. I've fixed many of my own childrens iPhones because I got tired of the cost of repairs and now have 3 people who want me to do theirs. So who knows, I could start a phone repair business

Anyway, a whole lot of not sure what to do going around in my head. I thought writing it out might make it clearer, give me some perspective. Maybe it will come.

So on another note, the Edge Delay Gel I ordered arrived yesterday. He was keen to try it, and I even though I was still feeling contempt toward him and his behaviour over the past couple of weeks, I decided I need to try and put it aside and move on. I'm still uncertain of my feelings and our future but we haven't had sex for a few weeks and maybe it will help us to connect and work on things. Well, the Gel worked well especially since it's been a while, he probably lasted twice as long as normal so I can imagine if we resumed our usually fairly frequent sex life then it may work even better. The only thing is you have to put it on an hour before, so not exactly the spontaneity that i'd prefer but it is all natural ingredients and a 1/5 of the price of Promescent. So after a few more times I guess we'll know if that will help the whole PE situation, I hope so. I did enjoy the sex, even if my feelings toward him at the moment are all over the place. I think it helped to bring us closer together, even if it was just for a short while.

I'm feeling ok in myself at the moment. I'm starting to feel less in the area of pain and hurt from all his lies and deceit I think. Something that has just nearly killed me over the past 8 years. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe time, maybe because I'm trying to just focus on me more. I'm not sure. I still have triggers at times, I still have trust issues around whether he's being completely honest with me, whether there's still deceit and lies going on but somehow I'm feeling a little less affected by it all. It's not as paralysing painful. I'm not sure why that is, I don't know if I'm starting to feel less for him, not caring as much or if it's because I'm trying to focus more on me. Something I need to process more I think. Either way it feels better at the moment.

I've been writing my daily goals / plans the last few days on here, and as silly as it seems, in some strange way it has actually been helping keep more motivated and determined to get through them. I don't know why, maybe because I've put it out there. So I think I'll keep doing it for the time being, since it seems to be helping.

I hope all you SO's are having a good day. I've been reading a few different journals and we are all struggling / and growing in our own ways. It's great to have this space to connect with you all and to share our dilemmas, our fears and our progresses.....hopefully we will all eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel, whatever that maybe for each of us...

 

Today, I will keep going, even if my achievements are only small, I'm still moving forward!​

Goals for Today!

Business
- Work on more marketing ideas
- Complete another webinar toward my CPE hours

Personal
- Meditation
- 30 min of my Anxiety CBT material
- Listen to a podcast
- Find an online course I'd like to do
- Go for a walk
- Grooming / face mask / hot epsom salts bath
- Find a holiday to start saving towards

Relationship
- 30 mins reading of the Hold Me Tight book
- 30 mins of Married & Alone exercises
- 3 dailies myself with H

House
- General Tidy up
- 1 hour in the garden & transplant snowpeas
- Dust & Mop
- Get curtain material for Laundry & Son's Room


I usually do silent meditations but today I decided to do a guided one. This was a very soothing and relaxing one. Recommend it to any SO's feeling traumatised and just needing to take some time out to calm and relax....

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