Been trying for so long to do this on my own...

I feel like I've tried everything to get through this but the main thing getting in my way has been my self. It always has been. I almost went a whole month this time but I fell apart. Here's my mini story.

I'm 25 years old and every since I was about 8 I've suffered from both anxiety and depression. It's like a coin flip every morning and even though the coin mostly lands on anxiety, depression is my main battle. Anxiety has always been a mask for it.

When I was 11, so I believe I was in about 5th or 6th grade, I discovered porn. I found out pretty quick you could just go on your computer and type in anything you wanted to see. So begins a story we've all heard. Started watching types of porn that don't reflect my sexuality but I'm so numb I need them to get off. I literally used porn as a reward every day as I road my bike home from school. I looked forward to it.

Then as high school went on, I began to get really anxious whenever I had sexual encounters with girls. I only wanted it to be over text or video chat. I was too afraid to do anything in person. It freaked me out so much that I would start to shake. Because I'd get so scared I began to question my sexuality when I knew deep down it was the pornography. I still questioned my sexuality anyways. I felt like I deserved to be cursed.

Fast forward to my senior year I had all of this shame and guilt from porn I got really into Christianity and I thought that the answer was there. I was cured. But the anxiety and depression about not just girls now but school and life began to arise. I tried to pray it away to the advice of peers but it didn't do anything. Porn became the way I numbed the pain, the fear. Through college I did everything I could to quit and have succesfully done so twice (two 100 day spurts). I was in Christian counseling through college (Christian college) but my faith was fading for a whole myriad of other reasons. I wanted a real answer as to why the chemicals in my brain were so effed and a personal answer as to how I was going to overcome these urges on my own.

The past two years I've heard of NoFap but never quite committed to it so now I am. I'm trying to keep things short because there's so much more to just my life, faith, mental health, and how porn played a role. I've realized some things in the past two years I've been on my own and out of school:

1. Every time I start to hurt and feel worthless, like I'm not good enough and will never accomplish anything, I go to pornography.

2. When I'm really stressed or nervous about starting a new job or a big life decision, I go to pornography.

3. When I'm alone at night before bed/don't go to bed before 12am, I will almost always look at porn if I have nothing healthy to do (ie, look at YouTube for two hours).

4. *This is the most important one.* I feel noticably better when I'm not just abstaining from PMO, but abstaining from EVERYTHING. Checking out girls, fantasizing about sex, greatly reducing social media consumption, and going to bed/waking up at a decent hour. There are so many people - close friends, family, peers, who have told me that it's okay to check out girls and fantasize, but every damn time I try to overcome my addiction, those things bring me right back to porn. Every time. They're silent freaking ninja killers. They may take weeks to slowly build but they build nonetheless.

I know what is best for my and I'm joining NoFap so I'm not alone. So I can be with people who support my process. The biggest reason besides myself that I've failed, is that I've been trying to do this on my own. I'm very excited to do this. I also want to become more aware of the horrifying issue that is human trafficing and porn consumption worldwide. I feel like the number one supporters of trafficing are porn sites, whether they realize it or not. They allow the content on their sites, and they allow their viewers (who are also underaged like I was) to consume it.

Here's where I'm at now. I still struggle every day with depression and anxiety. I love different cultures, reading, writing, and film so I want to use those outlets when urges or bad feelings arise. I still can't even date a girl because the first thing I think of is having sex with her and I know that comes from my porn brain having learned that's how things work when it's not true. Because of this depression arises and I still get thoughts that I never knew my sexuality all along. At this point I don't care now that I'm 25 but it's usually after a month of abstaining from PMO that these thoughts hurt the most, when I'm flatlining. I also am way way way more self conscious and not driven when I'm on porn.

My goal is to replace my terrible habits like going to bed at 3am and waking up at 12pm/consuming social media 4 hours a day. I want to replace it with writing a story by the end of these 90 days (I was a Creative Writing major) and becoming more skilled in Italian. Of course the most important goal for me is to look at women as the beautiful creatures they are and have respect for them. I had glimpses of this in my 100 day spurts. It was amazing. I want to have a relationship where I'm not consumed by sexual thoughts about a girl or my sexuality. I want to live a normal life outside of porn and help others who struggle with this addiction and depression/anxiety.

I'm sorry this is so long! I promise whenever I post it will not be this haha. It feels good to not be alone anymore. Thank you, and fight on!

 

Thank you so much! I'm super stoked.

 

Thank you! I think I'm going to journal for sure as well as keep an eye out for any new challenges. I'm sure there's a July one coming soon.