Thanks God...I'm addicted.

Thank u God....for my addiction.

I used to hate my addiction and deemed it a curse. Now I see it differently. My addiction is a blessing. I love that I am addicted.

Prior to age 19, my life was really a mess. When I hit puberty , I sought pleasure whenever, wherever, and however I could. From about age 13 to 19, my innocent fun self turned into a sexual fun self. Masterbation and the fantasy world kicked in. My life changed then. I went from an innocent happy boy to a self destroying sad one. I lost confidence. I began to fear things. I became insecure. I lived in this fear until age 19.

At age 19, my best high school friend saw me as a very scared insecure person(obviously), and wanted to help. He was a Catholic and I had alot of respect for him. I wasn't catholic nor religious at all. I respected him for the way he tried to live his life. We were taking a beach trip together and he asked me, "What is the purpose of life...why are we here?" I said, "I don't know...to be happy I guess". That's how I lived too. I use to say, "If it feels good do it." He pried into me and began to talk about God and I listened. Up to this point, I really never searched myself nor had any real purpose for my life. I was a dumb lost kid. He then asked , "What happens when we die?" I said, "We go to Heaven I guess." He then kept asking questions and made me think. He finally asked something like, "If Heaven is the ultimate goal then what is the purpose of your life?" I said, "To get to Heaven." He said, "Bingo u got it!"

From that moment on, my life changed. I got my confidence back and I had a purpose. I went to college and was determined to do good, which was new to me as well. My life became a pursuit of good and I wanted to do the best that I could in everything. Godbecame a huge focus and I found confidence in Him.

At this point I had been masterbaiting and involved in fantasy for so long I could not stop. I knew what I was doing was wrong. At about age 26-27, I got my first computer and connected to the Internet. The internet was brand new then and very exciting. I didn't get it to find porn, but I quickly (like Day 1 or 2) found it. I indulged into porn and was hooked. After every episode of fantasy and masturbation, I felt horrible. I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was destroying my soul. Once again, I lost confidence, and became insecure.

I am now 44 and had lived with porn ever since (except for a 2 year break). I am still insecure and lack confidence. Most of my life has been this way.

Why do I thank God for my addiction? I woke up this early morning with a new outlook and purpose. I have lived a life seeking comfort and pleasure through porn, masturbation, and fantasy. I am so ingrained in it I am an addict. I have tried my darndest to overcome it with failure. As a Catholic priest told me, "This is your cross." This is my cross. This Is my battle. This is my salvation. This is my chance ...to prove to God that I love Him. Where is our ultimate destination? Ultimately I will end up in Heaven or Hell. I am using my addiction as Christ used His cross. I am going to carry it. I am using it as a means of love to God. He could have taken the cross from me. I have asked him to do that for over 20 years. My cross remains mine. He never took it from Christ. Christ bore the cross and did it for love of us. I need to bear mine and do it for love of Christ. Whenever I feel like masterbaiting, looking at porn, or fantasizing, I will resist for love of God. This is me bearing my cross that God gave to me to bear. Why does God born us into this world? Why doesn't He just take us all to Heaven? Why do we have to go through this life? Why would God allow people in Heaven who don't love him? This is my chance. This is my only chance. I have one life to live on this earth. God has put me here. He has given me a chance to show Him love. He has given me a chance to earn my way. My salvation or eternal home must be earned and I have this cross to bear to do it. I will earn my salvation and prove to God my love for Him by denying myself for Him. In carrying my cross and denying myself, I show Him my devotion. It's mine to bear. He gave me this cross, and won't take it away. This addiction, my cross, will become my vehicle to union with God, Heaven.

I do have other purposes on this earth, such as taking care of my wife and kids, but I wrote this with just this addiction in mind. It's a means to save my own soul, which all of us should be concerned with greatly.

Thanks for reading brothers and sisters, Leo