6 Months of Monk Mode: The Good and The Bad

Depression levels have fluctuated during the streak, going from feeling fine to being depressed to the point I could barely function, especially during the periods I abandoned daily aerobic exercise routine (running/cycling/swimming) for a few days or more. Anxiety levels has definitely gotten much worse if I compare it to the times I was still in binge PMO routine. It makes sense from brain chemical perspective as chemicals released during O have anxiolytic properties. It's very similar to taking light sedative when you have O.

 

Quite serious. I had no morning woods for years, couldn't get erection without hand stimuli, had problems with E quality and duration plus I lost all interest in real life partner.

Being in monk mode hasn't been that hard (except for withdrawal symptoms which are very real and hellish). I had troubles first few months when I found myself going to P related torrent sites without thinking (literally being on autopilot), but this problem stopped after a few months of rational restrain. I understood why this was happening to me after reading neuroscience findings on deep learned behaviors (which all compulsive addictive behaviors are). Years of the same dopamine related repeated behavior tells our brain to optimize it's workflow and move/transform such behavior from prefrontal cortex (rational thinking part of the brain - requires lots of energy) to a deep learned behavior in our lizard part of the brain (where our automated behaviors are stored). That's why I repeated it on autopilot without even knowing what was doing until I rationalize it (it's pretty similar to shifting gears in a car; you just do it without knowing you're doing it until you start thinking about it).

Watching regular movies hasn't been a problem at all. Nudity and sex scenes are all over the place now, we can't escape them so we better learn not care about them. I rationalize it as watching changing colors of pixel matrix, because that's what watching movie in essence is, an illusion. I also don't believe in web filters because of the same reason. You have to observe and rationalize your behaviors, that's how you grow your self-control, not by building a wall between behaviors you haven't learned to control and stimuli. Abstention does not equal recovery.

As for seeing women during the summer. God bless them, I love seeing them wearing mini skirts and swim suits I'm single now so no problem with kissing temptations but will most likely start dating soon. I've given up on P and M for good, but not on real life S. I don't want to stay a monk forever.