Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Day 438.

Yesterday ended up being really good. We got up got the kids sorted, put the youngest back for a nap, and we did an awesome workout together.

We have being eating really good recently and it's working really well. I have had some cravings but managing them okay, Tan is doing awesome though, and is really committed.

We spent the day out, did some shopping, then took the kids to the soft play where they had an awesome time. We had a genuinely good day.

Today is going by pretty well so far, but looking forward to getting home still.


I've just listened to a podcast about shame in the bedroom and how its drilled into us from an early age that you don't talk about it.

Aspects of it were a little religious, so not entirely relevant to me, but there was some good content in it, and it's TRUE, we are embarrassed to talk about sex on a personal level, and that probably makes the shame worse.

 

Day 439.

Works going okay today, I'm on my own in my section, but I'm keeping on top of my workload. In fact its surprisingly going quite well.

Last night was unusual. My sister has recently split with her husband over his selfishness and controlling personality, but he is now trying to get custody over their son. Her mam (different mothers) is also keeping her son from her as she has been battling alcoholism, but has recently slipped back into it because of this situation.

I ended up spending most of the evening with her because of this whole situation as she was in a really bad way. It kind of reinforces my resolve to do better I think. Because of that though, we had a pretty late night and I think Tan and I are both pretty tired.

 

Day 440.

Yesterday was good. We tried something new out for food on the new "diet" and it was pretty good, and may become a bit of a regular. I also worked out and we watched an episode of Chernobyl together which is actually pretty good too.

I feel like things have generally been going pretty well recently, but I do feel a little guilty for not checking in with Tan for a while.

Tonight my dad is hopefully heading over for some grub which should be good.

This weekend, Tan is on shifts all weekend which sucks. I guess I'll finish my portfolio off fully in that time.

 

Day 441.

Im feeling particularly drained and tired today, and the workload at work is pretty high, unhelpfully.

My dad didn't come over last night, so he's popping round tonight instead. We tried making a diet suitable dessert last night which worked out very well I'm glad to say, and we both worked out.

The way I feel right now, I just can't wait to go on holiday, somewhere warm and relaxing! Although the kids will be with us so maybe just warm...

 

Day 443.

This weekend hasn't been too bad with the kids, though it would have been less stressful all round if Tan had been off work, but things are the way they are.

I kinda made a hash of things last night, where I was so tired that I hadn't even realised that Tan had got into bed with nothing on but her underwear, and I was practically drifting off before she mentioned it, which then obviously ruined the moment that could have been. This brought up a slew of things that Tan had been noticing recently which made me feel bad. It looks on the surface like I've slipped back into old habits of using my phone excessively again, trawling news though now instead of social media.

I think I do it more when I'm tired as a way to escape having to make any effort at interacting with people, but obviously is the kind of thing that I need to curb, which I have mostly until recently.

Yesterday was okay other than that, I spent most of the afternoon helping my gran out with her leaky washing machine and helping her clean her carpets. Me and the kids went for food with my dad and gran after which was good.

Today we went shopping this morning, after Tan and I did a workout together. We got back, put the shopping away, and Tan was away back to work. I've been with the kids to Tans parents for Sunday lunch the rest of the afternoon/evening. Tan is currently on her way home now, and I intend on this evening going better than last night.

 

Day 444.

Last night when Tan got in went a lot better than the night before. We talked and "went to bed" which was much better. But could have done with a touch more sleep, but you can't have everything...

Today is busy at work, though I had some good news this morning that I will be getting a pay rise a little early, which is awesome and cause for celebration I think. I'm also pretty happy with how my portfolio is now, so hopefully won't have any more work to do on it.

Tonight will probably not be very eventful, I think we will do a workout together, which I enjoy, as it kind of motivates me when I see Tan putting in so much effort. So I'm looking forward to that.

 

Day 445.

Last night was pretty good. I had a really good workout, one where you actually feel really good about what you've done afterwards, and it kind of motivates you.

Tan is feeling a little low as she feels like she isn't making as much progress on her diet as she should be considering the effort and sacrifice she is putting in. I think she has done an awesome job, and has shown some real resolve to do what she has, but not seeing the results you want is bound to get you down.

The rest of the night was pretty good as well.

Work is going well today too and hopefully will get time to help some colleagues out or do some audits etc.

 

Day 446.

Last night was pretty good, I did a workout (admittedly not a full one) and we ate pizza...

It's a while since we had pizza and it was pretty good. We just had a chill out evening, as we were both tired and needed to relax a bit. We didn't have a healthy night, but it was nice none the less.

Today is going well so far, Tan is on a late shift today, but I'll be occupied with tidying, cleaning and excersisng so shouldn't be too bad.

Work is going okay too, and I'm getting time to work on other things.

I'm just listening to a podcast on anxiety and it's talking about how anxiety is often your body displaying a physical symptom of emotions that have not been dealt with, but sometimes you don't consciously know what's causing it.

I've suffered from some anxiety in the past, and it's usually just little things that trigger the anxiety to start that I don't even register, it's just a niggle that something doesn't feel right, though it affects everyone differently.

 

Day 447.

Tan had a late shift last night which went pretty well between us. I got the kids sorted for bed, tidied and cleaned up, made food and did a work out, kept pretty busy.

Today is busy (Thursdays are always busy on the Section I'm working this week) but this afternoon isn't looking too bad.

Tomorrow night we are going for a meal with the family in celebration of my raise, and I've heard that my assessment has been arranged finally, though I expect I'll start my specialist portfolio straight after...


I've just listened to a podcast about transparency, and they discussed its misconceptions and some scenarios, around what is and isn't being transparent.

First of all, transparency is being open and honest without trying to hide things, but at the same time, it isn't telling your SO every thought, interaction and thing you've had/done. It's balancing what's important to your SOS safety, and identifying what needs to be told to make her safe and build trust.

I know that I haven't been particularly transparent in the past, but like everything else, it's something I'm still working on.

 

Day 448.

Todays not going so bad, its been busy and a touch stressful this morning but not too bad. I've got a risk assessment to do, and I doubt that the outcomes will be popular...

Tonight we are going for a family meal which will be nice, and I'm looking forward to it, and the weekend generally, though I think the weather isnt supposed to be great.

Tan has two night shifts next week, but then is off until we return from holiday, which is awesome, and again something to look forward to.

We didn't work out last night, we had a chill and intended having an early night, which didn't entirely work out, but it was a nice night.

 

Day 450.

This weekend has been not too bad, although an argument between Tan and her mam has raised tensions, but things between us are going well. We had loads of stuff to do, partly in preparation for the holiday next week, part because my glasses are broken and need replacing.

Tan is on night shift tonight and tomorrow night, which poses logistical and trust problems, but I hope that they go okay, at least they went okay last time. They are Tans last shifts before the holiday, and then relax

I am very much looking forward to having some time off away from the stresses of work (and some family...).

Today is going okay, work hasn't been too busy and hasn't been too stressful. I managed a good workout last night, and plan on another tonight, after preparing mine and the kids lunch, probably just before bed.

 

Day 451.

Last night went quite smoothly, and everything was prepared ready for today. I had no issues, other than the thought that it was a time when I definitely would have acted out in the past. But I read a little before bed, stayed off my phone, and went to sleep. And it was a good thing too as our eldest was up at 4.30am after wetting her bed. Other than that, it wasn't too bad. Fingers crossed Tans night shift tonight will go just as smoothly.

That's not to say that it didn't cause stress for Tan, which it did, though her shift was busy so I guess she was distracted to an extent, from the thought of what I may or may not be doing, but hopefully it wasn't too big an ordeal, and hopefully there won't be any more to do in the future.

I predict tonight's routine to be much the same, and hopefully the kids will be just as good. After tonight, Tan is off for practically 3 weeks, and we will be on holiday next Monday, so not long and we can "relax" (if that's even possible with two kids under 5...)

 

Day 452.

Last night went smoothly again, and Tan got through her night shift, and now has 19 days off. Now all we need is for this week to be finished and I'll have 2 weeks off!

I'm pretty tired this morning, the eldest awoke at 4am and got into bed with me after confessing that she had wet herself and the youngest then woke up at 5am shouting for her dummy. I got up at 5:30am for a shower, so I felt pretty crappy at that point (and hence I'm pretty tired now).

Tonight I think will be a bit more chilled out after Tans nights, and hopefully we'll get a decent amount of sleep.

Works going okay today, pretty busy, but not too bad. Can't wait to get home with the family though.

 

Day 453.

Last night was chilled out. Tan is recovering from her night shifts, so we didn't do much, watched TV, talked ate bad food and had an early night.

The weather here is really rubbish at the mo, so we're really looking forward to jetting off for some sunshine! Only one more day of work to go after today.


I've just listened to a podcast about failure and how everyone fails at things, but that doesn't define us as failures. We often fail at things we do to some extent, but the way we react to those fails, determine how they affect us.

Using them as tools to grow from is important, as it allows us to learn from them to do better in the future. But allowing them to define us means that we will be bogged down with shame, and won't make progress, or will even regress.

 

Day 454.

Today is my last day at work before we jet off to some sunshine, and work is going pretty well so far.

Tan has had a pretty hard day yesterday, which was caused by a huge argument with her parents about the way they aren't respecting us in the way they look after our kids. This was particularly difficult as they do provide most of the care for our kids while we are working.

There were a couple of points that really hurt, and that was the fact that Tans mam told the kids to blame Tan for not being allowed sweets, and the fact that she lied about things that she admitted in the past.

Naturally, this has left a lot of tension and uncertainty around the care of our kids while we're at work, and the work that we have planned on the house.

We talked for a long time yesterday together, and spoke with my dad around whether he would be able to help us out with the kids. We are worried about the latter as he is 70 this year, and we don't want to have to rely on him too much, but he seemed fine with it. We will have to play things by ear for a while.

On the upside, after today, we have 2 weeks off from stress hopefully, and can relax and enjoy the holiday!

 

Day 471.

Today has been the first day back to work from holiday, and it feels like I've never been away. The holiday has been really good, and an excellent time away with Tan and the kids, and went mostly stress free, and we all had a good time, with good weather, but it's nice to get back home (even though that means back to work...). I guess you don't appreciate the holidays as much if it was permanent.

We have also sorted alternative child care arrangements out for the kids, as Tan had a falling out with her mam over different bits and bobs, but my dad has agreed to help us out, and it's meant that we will end up seeing more of him.

Last week also marked a year since my mam passed away, which we spent with family, and enjoyed a Chinese on the evening. I have felt a bit emotional around the day, more apprehension of it I think, but I've been okay otherwise. I think, in my head, I had turned the day into a big deal, but I have kept busy, and spent loads of time with Tan, the kids and family so it's been easier.

Work today has been okay, not too busy, but I've been very tired which has made it harder. Hopefully sleep tonight will be better.

Tan is on a late tonight which has been harder than usual. I think tiredness and the fact that it's the first late in ages has played a part, but I haven't been on the ball with keeping her informed of how things are going, which has understandably triggered her. We've spent almost all of our time together the past couple of weeks, so going back to having time apart will probably be a little stressful (I don't mean to blow my own trumpet about my awesome company BTW...).

Hopefully tomorrow, I will get a workout done in the evening after the kids have gone to bed and food is sorted etc. I would like to get back on it after our holiday, I hope it won't be too difficult to get back to where I was at.

 

Day 472.

Tan finished work last night late, and we spoke on her drive home. She was a bit stressed about the late shift but we were on good terms. We were both really tired (getting used to early mornings and work again).

Tan is on an early shift today, so we will spend the evening together, eat and try and get a workout in. I think exercise is well overdue after an overindulgent holiday...


I've just listened to a podcast about healthy connection talking about the difference between independence, co-dependence and inter-dependence.

Co-dependence is relying on someone else (spouse, friends, family etc) independence is being yourself regardless of other peoples feelings/opinions (spouse) and interdependence is a middle ground where you can still be yourself whilst still taking your spouses feelings into consideration when making decisions or having discussions. I think this is probably an issue for my recovery, and I am probably quite co-dependent in a lot of areas of my life.

 

Day 473.

Today is going pretty well so far. Tan is off today, and we have a meeting with a builder this evening, to hopefully start work soonish on the house extension.

Last night ended up being another tired lazy night where we chilled out, cuddled on the couch and watched TV before bed.

I've just listened to a podcast about porn addiction before marriage (if you knew about it early in the relationship, would you have still got married?)

It basically talks about the fact that most men have watched porn, so finding someone that hasn't is unlikely, but there are other qualities that should be taken into consideration to determine if they are "marriage material".

I guess that if Tan thought about this early on in our relationship, that adding it all up, I wouldn't be worth the effort. I think that there are things that I do well in our relationship, and I think I'm a decent dad, but as far as creating safety and trust in our relationship, I think I have failed miserably over the past 11 years.

 

Day 474.

Last night went pretty well, we had a meeting with a builder about the house work and we had a good talk about what we are hoping to do and are looking like we might be moving forward with the work next month (which is both scary and exciting!)

We ended up having a bit of a late night but it was good, even though our minds went into overdrive about plans and money.

Today is busier than the rest of the week has been, but not too bad. Still have a little time on my hands to organise some other things as I've been made a head of section in the lab.


I've just listened to a podcast about recovery time scales, explaining that there is no way to speed up recovery, no pill or quick fix to get things back to normal, and that recovery is ongoing.

Normal will have changed, and things won't go back to the way they were in recovery either. Recovery work is the new normal.

 

Day 475.

Today is going okay. Tan is on a late shift tonight, and I intend making it better than the last.

I think I will try and cook some food with my dad tonight if he'll have me, as the kids will be there already.

We have now begun to financially commit to the building work happening next month, so it's getting exciting and worrying at the same time. I can't wait for the work to start though.

Tan is at work this weekend, so I'll have the kids, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to do some bits and bobs, here and there.

Next week is my portfolio assessment, so hopefully I'll be able to call myself a Biomedical Scientist soon!