Our journey

Exactly...I knew my PA needed love and support. I desperately wanted and did give that to him, but time again he lied and betrayed me. Each time I ended up physically stiff and sore. My body would literally transfer all the emotional pain into physical.

 

I doubt I’ll ever feel safe again. I’ll always be on guard. Unless I go into deep psychological healing theraphy...which will take until I die.
Ya I didn’t know this porn/sex addiction existed prior to September 2018...now that I do I look at the world through a different set of lens.

 

I feel that in my bones, which are achy and tired too. It is physically draining, as well as emotionally and mentally. Just completely zaps the joy from my life. I pray for better days for all of us.

 

I was taught to always put others needs above my own. This is what I have done in most of not all of my relationships. I’m now learning to put my needs first. If something I’m about to do isn’t good for me, then I absolutely must not do it.
I have always tried to fix things...somethings are not my job to fix. I tried to fix, support, monitor etc...my PA to the point of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion. I can not do that anymore. It will kill me.
This sex addiction is the motherlode of addictions.

 

I had no idea how bad this life was. I was clueless. I wish I could go back to the person I was before this.

 

Absolutely,..I hear ya. I use to be self confident, never took any shit, bold brave and beautiful. Now I feel like a beaten broken whipped horse...worked till I’m soaking wet and left trembling.

 

My wife @ccrowegreen felt the same way or similar.

Both of you have to get in the moment and enjoy it whatever the quality. BOTH of you have to realize and understand that those effects are what he has done to himself not because he doesnt want you in that moment.

It will get better but he has to own that fault and you have to own that its not your fault

 

It really matters how you define "good."

An apple might say it can never be as good as a candy bar. It is sweet, but not *that* sweet. It is good to eat, but not *that* good. It is pleasing to the eye, but it lacks the fancy wrapper, and it has never sported a bar code. How can it possibly live up to the standard set by the candy bar?

But the candy bar is really poison. It rots the teeth and sours the stomach of the one who consumes it. It does not fill or nourish the consumer in any real way. After they have one, they immediately want another. It is almost as if they did not have anything at all! It inflames the appetite but does not satisfy it. Instead, it only causes the appetite to grow and grow, out of all proportion with what is healthy and helpful. Instead of serving the role that food is intended to fulfill, it does the opposite. It is *anti*-food. It masquerades as good, tricking the senses, but is in fact very, very bad.

The humble apple, though, is the real deal. It cleanses the teeth and the breath as it is eaten. It fills and nourishes the consumer and leaves them satisfied when complete. It sates the appetite, nullifying it completely. It is real food, fit for the stomach, and effective in quelling hunger. It does not seem as grand as the candy bar, but, unlike it, the apple does not need to pretend to be something it is not. It is a delight to the senses, albeit subtle and understated. It is real food. It is *good*!

Which would you rather be? A good candy bar? Or a good apple?

 

Yes...that’s exactly what happens. I stayed because I felt I was going to love and support my PA. I self-scarified, and put his needs first. I wanted him to feel good about himself. I didn’t know this addiction even existed..so when the behaviour came to light! I went into complete and total shock. It’s overwhelming to say the least.
You must take back your power, don’t give up on yourself. As for the horse story, I told that story to my PA, and he said, with a slight smirk on his face, “ hey that’s what I do to you”. He exactly what he was doing all along...I was just his puppet.

 

This is so true and so important.

I started here on NoFap about six months before my wife found everything out. I think that made a big difference in how she reacted - I was able to show her my journal on here and my correspondence with AP's and others. She knew I was serious about stopping.

In my personal experience, and in talking to people on here, I have found that those PA's who are most successful are the ones who set boundaries for themselves and who regularly report in on how they are doing. The reason why I have accountability software on my phone is because I wanted to put it on there. If it was forced on me I doubt it would do much good, I'd just find a way around it. But because it's a support for me in my recovery rather than a tool for somebody else to try to reform me, it works.

It is painful and humiliating to admit to struggling or to a relapse, but it is both essential and healing.

Like I said before, the only way that a PA is going to get over this is if they commit to do it for themselves - not for their SO, their children or for anybody else. It has to be something they want for their own sake.

 

Well, actually for me feeling nothing was the beginning of emotional detachment. My PA told people he was working on recovery for himself and the relationship. I told him, take me out of the equation and do it for yourself. When desire for PMO, or any other proclivity reared it’s head...he could maintain sobriety for a short period, but I paid the price. He would become angry, resentful and mean. He would look at me with contempt. I took his toys away. I think (guessing)part of the attraction to porn etc..is the sneaking and possibility of getting caught. I don’t know just a guess.
Just please trust your intuition.

 

You are correct..mine did the same thing, come here-get away. Ya I agree emotional exhaustion. I’m still dealing with that. It’s like they want to be close but are afraid to, so in order to feel better and get rid of the anxiety they create situations.
Just always trust yourself.