Leaving the Hive

Moments of clarity when you really dig deep and start to dissect what you REALLY had .

SLIGHT TRIGGER ?
Let’s talk about sex baby , let’s talk about you and me , let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things let’s talk about sexxxx .

Of late , reminiscent of old days when deep in it . Robotic , routine , kinda boring , like his chore . Once a week on the wknd on his day off in the morning , no kissing or passion . Just became sex . I physically did all the work . Me on top . Once in awhile he would actually thrust . Wtf . Why did I let this continue. Was he even there ?? I just reread my journal from 16’ to today . Holy fucking shit . I was a MESS internally. What was I doing ?? So many sex issues with it . There was ZERO desire for me for a long time . I think when I get sad I need to re read it . We were not connected since DDAY 16’ really other than Aug-Dec . Sure there were these REALLY great connections but riddled with questions and inconsistencies, DE , PE , , ED . We’d have an AMAZING passionate intimate moment which would get my hopes up that it would happen more . And then NOTHING . I know I KNEW it . I began questioning myself . Listening to Intimate Deception. It’s empowering actually.

 

It’s a very weird twisty lonely road for sure

 

100% I’m glad I listened to it not read it . So picture this :

I’m on a floating dock , listening in my head phones no one around , she starts saying this scripture towards the end of the book ( I’m not very religious) it made my whole body shake and tremble and it all just came out of me . EVERYTHING. But something strange happened, I felt a calm come over me , the trembling stopped and I felt more validated than I ever have in my life . God I wish I picked this book up years ago . I am firm in the thought I would not be i the position I’m in now . But I probably never would have found NOFAP . I’m so glad you picked up this book . ❤️♥️ I think ALL SO NEED TO READ THIS . Get HOOPLA from your library for FREE .

 

@Real Roboin this is how I’m doing
Life changes about page 9 on this journal .
I’m not really DOING . It’s just all so frustrating

 

Have you read anymore of the book ? I’m curious if you other ladies get what I got from it ♥️

 

I. Am. Tired.
It’s better than the adrenaline from a trigger . But I’m tired . I changed his name in my phone to STRANGER . And changed his contact pic to a tiny black heart . It was def kinda cathartic. That’s who he’s become to me in the last almost 4 weeks . I know when I walk into MY OWN HOME Saturday , I will feel like a stranger in my own home . Anxiety and Anticipation are what’s keeping me up late . Not the fact that I’ve slept alone for almost a month . Surprisingly after sleeping next to HIM for 23 years , the effect of not sleeping next to HIM is not bringing on the loneliness I thought it would . So many nights I slept “ alone “ anyways . Listening to content snoring while quietly I cried myself to sleep . I’m no fool , I know this is going to HURT . To actually feel what it’s going to be like . But then again it’s been almost 2 weeks since any contact at all .

 

I think the “ good place “ is because I’m not home . I fear the losing of ones shit if I have to see him every day pretending to be unaffected. I fear a verbal meanness from me or a vengeful heart . I usually don’t play with either . But these are unusual circumstances.

 

MY DREAM LAST NIGHT

I woke up crying . In my dream I had his car detailed as a surprise but cleaned it out first . I first found a Polaroid camera then what looked like an iPad . In my dream I checked the memory on the camera and it was old pictures of our kids and my dad ( passed ) .
The iPad wound up being this big weird calculator.
So I’m guessing my dream was more about interpreting that in the past I always gave him trust and benefit of the doubt , and the Polaroid are things I’m losing. I have no idea but it fucked me up . So much adrenaline