Regrets. Do something before it is too late.

It’s been a busy couple days, and I apologize for not responding sooner.

Things vary day by day. Some days she is warmer and more receptive towards me. Other days I can tell everything is overwhelming. Some days can be going very well and then at night all the pent up thoughts and emotions get released...

I found out what was bothering her the other day. For whatever reason, the accountability app on my computer was deactivated for a few days and she also discovered parts of my youtube history was deleted. I had no idea how these things happened and could not account for them. I panicked. Because I thought I had been doing so well trying to stay straight and now everything I’ve been working on is called in to question. I let her examine my laptop and my phone freely and without fear because I know I had done nothing wrong. After a couple hours, she seemed to become satisfied in her findings. And she later told me when we were in bed that she believed me when I said I had done nothing wrong. And it was a huge relief. And I rejoiced that she still had some faith in me.

It’s a day by day journey with ups and downs...and I’m just trying to be the best possible version of myself...

 

At the moment, I have not sought out an accountability partner. Currently she is the only one receiving reports about my activities and whatnot.

 

I began writing in the journal on the Fortify app, and I've chosen to share what I've written there for my first NoFap journal entry. None of it is altered, except for names. Some of it may be rambling, or incoherent, and some of it may be repetetive and redundant. I will try to be more thoughtful and organized. I will continue to write and share my thoughts and feelings as I navigate this journey of PA and Sobriety for anyone who cares to read.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/clownbaby22’s-journal.242338/

 

I’ve been feeling so lost lately. I am 38 days in to sobriety and recovery. Things with my SO are more up and down than ever. I know that this is an ever continuing journey and process. I know that she has to process this and work this out on her own terms..just personally speaking it is difficult to navigate. I feel such anxiety and fear over what the mood and feel of the day is going to be.

Yesterday, things were so great. And we talked and interacted like normal. Then at night, everything changed. And she was so angry and bitter towards me..angrier than ever..i don’t fault her at all. I did not get angry in return. I stayed calm. But nothing i say or do can alleviate some of that anger. And she stormed off to bed, and the last thing she said to me was so angry.

Please forgive this rambling mess of thoughts and feelings. I have no one else to talk to. I see my therapist only once a week. I don’t talk to friends. My parents know, but seem to not quite grasp everything. My journal isn’t enough at the moment. I feel discouraged and sad and broken. I feel so much guilt over how badly things have devolved in our relationship. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy but I am still motivated than ever to stay clean and to continue my recovery. It’s just hard without my SO by my side. I have relied on her for emotional and physical support. During this process though, i feel so alone, but i did this to myself...