Half way

When I decided to go to a therapist I emailed two local therapists who specialised in sex problems like porn addiction. I told them that I was addicted to porn but was over 480 days free. One of them wanted me to adopt a half-way house (as I reported here). In his initial reply he listed a bunch of questions to start thinking about:

He also suggested a different initial approach:

These seemed odd suggestions to make to someone already 480+ days free of porn use, and so I chose the other therapist, but it shows that there are some people working with the 'half way' option you suggest.

(N.B. Just to be clear, I think porn is evil and the 'half way' approach is not something I would suggest.)

 

I dont know if this is helpful coming from an SO, but my view is that there is no half way, part way, or even teeny tiny itty bitty way for an addict. It seems he wants his cake and to eat it too and is using your love and guilt for him to hold onto his addiction and keep you at the same time. He's manipulating you and making you doubt yourself. Crazy making. You know where you stand on this. He's trying to make you weak.

 

I agree with everything @hope4healing and @EyesWideOpen have said, but I would not want to forget the less personal, the political angle. Porn is wrong for society and part of tackling that wrong is for individual men like us to stop using it.

 

Once, a number of years ago, a person close to me suggested I start quitting by going "halfway" as you say. That partially helped, but I could never get past the halfway and eventually I spiraled back to fullway. It's still an option for some, but only if well-regulated and making sure that the PA eventually quits completely.
However, I don't believe it would ever be okay if a person would stick to PMO forever, without eventually quitting completely, regardless how much that person does it.

 

Of course there is a half way option. But I would never ever be a part of an agreement like that and I don't believe it works even 0,001 percent. I rather be single, die alone and get eaten by my nine cats than agree to that (and I'm a dog person!).

Porn has smashed my life and relationship to pieces. I've been mentally and physically abused because of this little hobby; I'm never gonna let it take another part of what's left of me, and I don't feel sorry at all for not compromising. If they (the PAs) wanted compromises, they could have been honest from the very beginning, but they weren't, so that train has left the station.

Would he let me look a little bit on other men's junk? M a little to that just to cheer me up? I don't think so. I live a fulfilled life without porn and I'm an extremely sexual (and visual!) person, so why can't the man in my life adopt the same principles?

You are being manipulated in this conversation. It's not like you've denied him anything that should be included in a loving relationship. He asks for your little finger but he will take your whole arm, make sure of it.

 

Look at it like he's an alcoholic. Would you believe an alcoholic when he says he isn't really one? That it's just a vice? Would you be okay with that alcoholic drinking occasionally, knowing how it changes his personality, how it pulls him in, how he loses control and escalates?

And the thing is...if it's just a vice, why won't he give it up? Why is he trying so hard to hang onto it? If it's just a vice and he loves you the way a husband should love his wife, letting it go should be mo problem. Finding a new, less harmful "vice" should be no problem. If it's just a vice, why is he going to such lengths to protect it and hurt you?

You know the truth. I am so sorry that you are going through this and how painful it is. Stick to your guns mama. We are here with you.

 

Another difference is that alcohol is not morally wrong, porn is.

 

Thank you and all of the SOs here for sharing your stories, truly touching and enlightening to us addicts! Never could we imagine how much pain and suffering this addicition has brought upon our love ones!
Everytime I read stories like this, it further strengthen my resolve to beat PMO once and for all! Please stay strong and positive!
History is usually the best indicator for the future. To be using something you were/are addicted to and not spiral out of control, it takes a SERIOUS amount of self-discipline, which takes months, years to develop! Ask your brother how he got sobered. Occasional drinks now and then???

 

I can only speak for myself. The only correct amount of P, P-subs, M, or sexual ideation is zero (except for in the physical presence of one's SO). That is my rule for myself, and it is the only thing that has allowed me to stay free. Perhaps this is not the case for everyone. Perhaps even long-term "former" addicts can reach a point where some P does not send them back into a full binge. but why take that chance?

Also, as has been stated above to good effect, P is a plague on society. It dehumanizes all who are associated with it and turns a private, intimate moment between two human beings into a merely mechanical affair of a confluence of body parts.

I have quit PMO because it was destroying me, The battle has been fierce and long, and, having had some measure of freedom from it, I would not go lightly back into the thick of it again. But, even if I could view P again without it sending me into a relapse, I will choose not to do so because of its wider harm on society and all people involved with it.

IMO, the only correct amount of P is zero.

 

If my choices brings my partner sleepless nights, tears or feelings of being unloved or unwanted, and I keep doing it, it's not a vice, it's abuse.

He knows it, you know it, anyone here knows it.

 

Negotiation indicates the person sees the issue as a transactional matter, which frankly is kind of a disgusting idea to me in the context of any kind of intimate relationship. Business is a transactional matter, many will agree family and romantic partnership are not. But it is not surprising that anyone would use that rationalization because if we look around it is a socially accepted norm.

There's a reason why people in recovery say they "have" an addict, it affects ones very identity. What the individual does not realize is their own identity is so blurred they have essentially sold out to it. IMO some things are not for sale, but that is precisely what the addict is - a sellout.

 

Alcohol is hard drugs. It is just as wrong or right as anything els, just socially/morally accepted by the majority.

@Queenie%Bee
This is about what you want.
Is that negotiable?
There lies your answer. No discussion possible.

 

Nailed it.

 

When it comes to this addiction, as hard as it might be for him to hear, he no longer has a say in the matter. It’s on your terms, and if your terms are zero P, then that’s where it is and he must take it or leave it. He lost his spot at the negotiating table, in my view.