The story of a dramatic change in 31 days

Dear brothers,
It is becoming really necessary to me to tell what it has been happening during the las 30 days. Probably the most intense 30 days in my whole existence. When l used to think about a short period of time in the past l was quite oblivious about the events and facts, everything was surrounded by some sort of ‘haze’ which l attributed to me not being gifted with a very good memory or just because no important event had defined that period... but now, this last month... it shines and looks so vivid that it feels like reading the chapters of a book.

Why did l start doing NoFap?

It was that day... l was in the train. I recall being so horny. Looking at women, none of them noticed me nor my sexual urge nor my arousal but l was burning. l looked like a total creepster for sure. So l reached a state that I really needed to release my load. I went to the toilet of the car/wagon l and masturbated. It took me nothing to reach the climax. Went back to my seat but still horny. It was a work trip two weeks. The beginning of the hell of a trip!

When l got to the hotel my company booked for me l got my key and went to the room. I just had time to leave the bag on the floor, l unzipped my pants a here we go again, wanky wanky! I thought like many times before that l would reach some peace and calmness but as you might know what l felt again was only emptiness and that void.

My sex addiction:
Besides watching porn videos l also liked to combine them with literally more than seven thousand photos of women that l had downloaded from the internet along the years during countless hours....My Girls, used to call them. l also had photos of me (read here Scalating) that would enhance the masturbations in case of being empty or uninspired. I had also a long list of fav porn vids in the usual sites for that purpose. Today l loath even to mention the names of those sites, they take me back to the tunnel.

So that evening l was feeling weary, empty. It was a beautiful evening. It was June, summer and warm in the city of Glasgow. I went out but returned even wearier. I cancelled my appointments and went to my room. I took my tablet and started browsing the net . I had seen while looking for something else the pics of guys who did not masturbate. You know, those photos showing the before and after thing.
Look, l was so lazy about cleaning my cums that l wanted to learn semen retention. I was so lazy about masturbating that wanted not to cum so l would reach the erections faster!!

Thats fucking all l could think about my sexuality!!

Thats when l saw this community and l just say why not. It took my little to embrace their way of life. It took me less than five minutes to realize there was a way for that sad little wanker l was.

Sometimes l wanked so much l even hurt my dick and little stains of blood would appear in my underwear, bed sheets. When it happened (many times) my only safety measure was to keep it clean and wait a couple of days until it healed so l could continue watching my girls in my tablet. I wanked with haste, with fury, with shame. I felt drained . Felt frustrated cos l saw no exit in this circle.

What happened next?

Well l just stopped fapping. And this is when everything begun. The first couple of days nothing really happened. I had been in a streak of masturbation quite intense so my body (my balls, actually) was recovering and creating semen.
I was feeling l was starting a journey to the unknown but l was still in the station sitting on my seat of this train waiting for depart. But l was in the train.

That was the difference.

Now what my body was creating was going to be kept, not being created to be spilled, to be wasted, to be despised as an annoying segregation that would be cause of embarrassment. It was going to be my cure, bros.

First changes

I am talking about one month now but looks longer for me. Maybe because l have stored in my mind so many different emotions and experiences... So in the first week l started becoming more confident. I knew l was in the right track. I was beginning to feel horny again but this horniness, l could sense that was legitimate and for that l respected and kept it as something valuable. I felt urges also that is why l started doing other things. Thanks to the forums l learned and could continue patiently . They were filled with people who had done this way before.
The energy was building up. Wow, that was heavy, bros. My sleeping was getting shorter and shorter, lol! I would start doing stuff around 5am. I have always been a nap guy. After lunch could not live without a siesta. These days l ceased that. I didnt need them! Now l just fall asleep and wake up in a matter of minutes. That is a significant change. It is like a quick reset and feels good.

Things got a twist when l felt an unexpected change in women attitude. The first times when women looked or smiled at me (!!!) l had to start laughing in fucking disbelieve. The first two weeks were like a fucking big bang. One day, I saw a colleague, -shes a beautiful girl- in the street and she came to me and started giggling nervously and after a little chatnshe called me cute boy. It looked she couldnt restrain herself from saying that. I was going crazier and crazier during those days.

l was feeling really horny and the nights and mornings were crazy. I also enjoyed the usual thing l have read in the forums about other guys flirting, looking straight to women’s eyes and so on. Also begun to enjoy being with people, not a sexual related thing, just being there. In the past needed booze to do that . When all this begun to happen it was so intense that in a couple of times l relapsed in my booze prob as l needed to calm dowm. Fuck.

New habits enter

I have been eating healthy for years but always indulged in this eating-shite-binges from time to time. I stoped eating crap. But the first new habit that entered my life was by day 10 and was one morning that l just left the bed by 5.45 and started doing push ups and other lunatic stuff -l was getting used to this newfound madness so just sorta let it go. Go with flow l thought. The flow of hormones, emotions... all was coming in the matter of just ten - fifteen days.

Another change. I had been reading about this fellars taking cold showers.The Wondrous Cold Showers. Well, all my life l have been the cowardest bastard when it comes to cold water, that includes sea, swimingpools, ponds, oceans or fucking rivers. So I had to try that shite, the cold showers. The first time l lasted two minutes and l died but felt good. My willy shrank to such size that l had to look for it with a bloody microscope. I had learned about Wim Hof breathing technique. Now when l have time l breath and sort of meditate the Wim Hof way when l have time. The cold showers have come to stay. I makes me feel so fucking good. My willy is happy with the cold and gets thick and looks healthy again under cold water and not like a fucking dried apricot. And l can last for a long time. And when l leave the shower plate there is no steam and l can see the mirror well. Cold showers are one of the pillars of my change. Another one is, of course Nofap.

FLatline!

I have periods of flatlining. They last several days. I feel invisible. I feel that l lost my assertivity. Forget about women looking at me. I just want to be alone and withdrawn and when l am alone l feel aimless. In those moments l start doing stuff to fill that emptiness. I continue with my routines: the workouts, cold showers but because l dont want to die from a cold or have a bloody tendonitis l do other stuff. I returned to an old forgotten pleasure: reading books. I go to a bench in a park or else and seat and read a book (and some times catch the glimpse of a lady ) Sometimes, only sometimes l watch Classic Cinema (l say only sometimes because watching the screen of my tablets fucks up my sleeping rhythm which is already quite fucked up) I think l am becoming some sort of fleximonk style of guy, lol. I also go for walks, l do shite that l have been procrastinating for a long time... and wait the flatlining days to piss off.

And then the energy comes back.

I can feel it coming. Like a train a-coming. You hear the noise, the rattle, the whistle in the distance. And when it returns l am happy that l did good things while l was flatlining. Cos l continued fighting. I read about people experiencing long periods of flatline. It is not my case so far but when l look back in this month may be 2/3 of the time has been sort of flalining. I just dont care, there is one thing that l actively work to avoid and is to relapse. And l pray too for that not to happen

So, what now?

I know this change has come and will stay forever. This is just the beginning and l know nothing. The emotions and all the internal journey have been so intense and the change is being so dramatic that l just try to live by the day. It will hurt. I will hurt people. I will suffer and l will feel guilty for things l will do but cant continue lying to myself. I cant.

Love and carry on guys

 

Haha, thanks. We need to have a sense of humour to overcame the crazyness of all this! Thank you brother.

 

Thats the idea!

 

Thank you guys, l will return for my 60 days anniversary and will tell you how things are gettin on. Keep on fighting and wish me luck. I wish you the same!

 

Thanks everyone there. I will post the continuation of this adventure when l reach 60 days which l hope will be in 26 days. You guys, we l mean are part of smth great. Keep the faith, keep the fight!!

 

Yes, thanks. Ive been thinking about this and lm beginning to understand better how l have been feeling the first 30 days. Now lm sorta low in mood but continuing doing the things l started doing during the first month helps me feel good. Is a whole new territory all this!