My journey

Thanks for your advice. I do think my SO does see how much I am putting into this and my recovery. I have done so much research and talking with him. We have hit speed bumps, but I am proud that he found an AP on his own, got off social media on his own, and is clearly putting in the work. Today he thanked me for still being here with him. Something about that sentence just made me feel appreciated for the first time in a while.
I'm sorry to hear your story. I can honestly say me and my SO did have many struggles in the past with PMO and discussing his issues. It's difficult because society tells men it's normal and they believe it. The only thing that got through to my SO after our insane D-day was me saying this is compulsive and not normal. I had to speak out of fact instead of emotion which was probably the most difficult conversation. I wish you good luck in your journey with your SO and your healing.

 

Today was interesting. SO is still dealing with consequences associated to his viewing of psubs (breaking a boundary). We were able to talk today openly. We went to the gym together.
Today SO made progress. He has an accountability partner. He thought all day about how to make me feel safe and secure. He started a conversation about his recovery when I got home (I didn't have to ask). He told me about an urge he had and how he worked through it.
Good things that happened today: honesty, eye contact, him not pouting or hating himself for breaking a boundary, he feels confident today that he can respect boundaries and learn from mistakes. He cooked for me, cleaned the house a bit, and I can see his effort.

Me? Work is BUSY. 44 kids registered at camp this week and 6 staff to supervise. Crazy times! The day flies by fast and I don't have much time to dwell on our situation.
I had a GOOD workout today. That makes me happy. I slacked at the gym last week. The puppy is being good today, that makes me happy.
I am sleeping alone until Thursday. This doesn't make me happy but consequences are what they are. I don't like enforcing them but they make me feel safe.
So today? Today was okay. I'm tired. Need to drink more water. But I am not crying myself to sleep tonight. Which is a step forward I suppose.

 

Today - today was tiring. SO brought up a FANOS talk on his own today. That was nice. I still have a lot of anger towards his past actions. It bubbles up at random times when I have memories or flashbacks. That is the worst.
Good things that happened today: SO brought up a FANOS conversation. He appreciated me for still being here, and says that he will thank me for that every day. He apologized for not considering my feelings and our relationship everytime the PMO'd. That's a step in him understanding my emotional distress. He cleaned our hedgehog's cage, washed laundry and grocery shopped today while I was at work. Good things.
I am nervous because we are going camping this weekend. It's our anniversary. I don't know how this will go.
Me? I had another awesome workout today. Work flew by. It's raining and for some reason I like the rain. It feels calming. I ate healthy today. I wore a shirt I couldn't wear six months ago because it didn't fit well, and now it does again. That made me proud. This exercise thing makes me feel good in so many ways. (I've been working on a goal of going minimum 3-5 days per week since about February.)
Challenges: I still have lots of anger. SO is sleeping on the couch. I have withdrawn physical affection for the time being. I need to feel safe again. I'm not sure if camping will help or hurt this process but we will see I suppose.

 

I hope so. I still feel so lost most days.

 

This all sounds very positive to me.

 

SO is done his consequence today for the boundary break. Not sure if I'm ready to have him in our bed again though. Today was super stressful at work. I am so so tired. From work. From emotional distress. From unpacking my own trauma. From stressing about SO. From anxiety. From life. I am tired.

 

It's been a couple days. I had some time today to sit and write so I thought I should take the opportunity.
It was our anniversary this weekend. We went camping. Six years we've been together. Our wedding is planned for next August.
My SO has really been putting in the work. It's strange but I remember getting advice here and I think about it all the time. I'll feel angry and realize I'm grieving a relationship that I thought I had (grieving the fantasy world that I lived in pre-dday). Then I think to myself - why grieve something that wasn't real? Why not just keep moving ahead. Build something that is real. Recognize accomplishments and not accept anything that makes me feel less than. Make myself a new person, be the strong ass woman I know I can be.
I can't keep wallowing in this misery for something that happened in the past. Don't get me wrong, I won't accept any behavior that repeats itself. I won't tolerate any boundary breaks, but I also need to move forward. FOR ME. I deserve happiness, and I deserve to be the source of that happiness. Not my SO. Not based on his recovery, but intrinsically produced by me.
So he is moving forward with his recovery (and he is being so honest and real since last weekend when he broke a boundary by looking at a psub). That makes me happy.
What else makes me happy? Work! I get to work with kids every day and be a part of helping them love recreation and playing outside and getting them away from sedentary lifestyles. It's so rewarding. Working out makes me happy. I am loving how strong my body is becoming, physically and mentally. I am proud of myself. My dog makes me happy, and I am going to be cracking down on his training in the upcoming months. My friends make me happy. They are literally amazing. I am so lucky to have such great supports.
I am working on me. I am working on building a real foundation of an honest relationship. I don't need perfection. I need reality. And that seems to be happening right now. I am weirdly at peace for the first time in 41 days. Here's hoping that recovery will continue for us both.

 

Thank you. I appreciate the continued support.

 

It's been a few days. Life is busy right now to say the least.
Today I feel happy. For the first time in a month and a half. What a crazy feeling. I feel like I'm recovering myself and becoming the strong person I know I can be.
SO has been very honest with me and we have been working so hard at communication and healing. For both of us.
I still get upset when we talk about things he's done in the past. Not sure if I'll ever be able to talk about them and not be hurt. But I'm able to see his progress now. Im able to appreciate his work and my own.
So for right now, I'm happy. And that's enough for me.

 

Anxious. That's how I feel so often. Any time I'm extremely tired and SO isn't, but I want to sleep. I feel anxious. Any time I'm away from the house for long periods of time. Planning work trips or any trips for that matter. Anxious about when SO decides to go back on social media. He kind of has a reintroduction plan for everything but it still makes me anxious.
This addiction has turned me into an anxious person. That is not fun.

 

Let's talk about ogling. Today I was walking my dog. I was wearing shorts and a tank. Nothing special. Hair was wet, no makeup, wearing slides. I walked by a house where there was a man in his mid 50's with his back turned away from me. He was loading his truck in his garage. When he noticed me and my dog I noticed him turn his entire body towards the street (where I was walking) and he watched me until I was out of site.
Now let me just say how this felt: horrible. I felt embarrassed, gross, like I should change because maybe it was my fault. This man is literally old enough to be my father. I felt so self conscious, almost like I needed to shower to get that nasty experience off me. I just wanted to walk my dog.
Thank god my so has never had an issue with ogling because if it made me feel this bad I can't imagine how bad it would feel if he did it.
I know there are plenty of PA's that suffer with this urge, but maybe just reading how it makes a woman feel could give some perspective. I don't know. I'm rambling now so I guess I'll stop here.
Work is stressful right now. I was on the edge of a major breakdown on Monday lol. I can't wait for Friday. SO is being supportive and productive in his time off. He is almost at 50 days clean. Very happy with that progress.
More to come I suppose.

 

Today is day 53 of recovery for my SO. How far we've come in such a short time.
Good things that have happened: he has an AP, we have accountability software, we have a FANOS talk most days, he has not edged or slipped up on M, he is being productive around the house, he checks in with me and considers my feelings (not just about PMO, but about so much more than he used to).
Setbacks we've had: he used instagram as a psub for about half of this time. He has been clean for over three weeks now from this. I laid out my boundaries and he didn't like them. They made him feel like a scolded child at first. Now he understands them, and wants them in place as much as I do. He did sleep away from me for a little under a week for a psub use that our accountability software caught.
That being said, I can see how hard he is working towards his recovery. He tries so hard to ground me when I get anxious. Never judges, because he knows his past actions have caused this. He holds me, or plays with my hair, or will answer any question I have. I feel thankful for that.
I told my sister about the situation today. She said something along the lines of - if it makes your relationship stronger and he's willing to be open with you then you know you're ready to be married.
That really struck a chord with me. I feel like I am ready to say yes again.
There are some trust issues still, and trauma that I'm dealing with - but I don't feel alone anymore. What a crazy feeling. Weird that I feel oddly at peace with everything that's happened, and thankful that our relationship got better because of it.

 

I've been reflecting a lot this morning. About two weeks ago, my SO asked me a question. "Do you have the accountability software set up on your laptop?" I responded (very concerned) with a simple no. I was so scared in that moment. His response surprised me. He said "maybe you should install it. Just in case I have a bad day. I haven't used it or anything I just don't want it to be an option."
I feel like that small conversation alone just proves to me how much he has grown in our 54 days of healing. I am thankful for that growth.

Last night he worked a long shift, and was pretty tired when he came home. I asked if he wanted to talk and he said we're watching a show. That really set me off. I spent the rest of the evening withdrawing and curling into myself. If he doesn't want to talk then I feel beside myself.
We talked before bed and he explained that this is where/when he wanted to talk and had it in his mind all night apparently. I told him I don't always want to talk in bed because I want it to be a safe space. Overall the night had some bad communication, me withdrawing, and my SO not being as attentive to my needs as I would have liked. We did turn it around at the end though when we were able to talk before bed. I do wish see didn't have to push it back though. I just want to be able to talk and be listened to, not scheduled in sometimes. I get that he's tired and needs time to decompress from his stressful job but I have needs too.
Just a small thing, but that's what's on my mind today.
Things I'm thankful for: making time to go to the gym. Made it 5 days last week despite exhaustion from my crazy work schedule! Good food, seeing my sister this weekend and being able to talk to her about everything. I'm thankful for hugs and emotional intimacy and my SO trying his best to improve it. I am thankful that I woke up to puppy snuggles this morning. Now I'm going to be grateful for coffee.. as soon as I get up lol.

 

Yeah, using my laptop was something I just hadn't initially thought of as something that should be set up. I'm glad he came to me on his own and asked for it to be installed. We don't have any devices without our accountability software now, which makes me feel secure.
Wedding is back on, as we are able to work through things and real progress has been made. Thank you for your continued support, Tao. We both appreciate it.

 

I'm anxious tonight. Maybe I drank too much coffee today. Maybe it's because I don't like it when my SO has to work overnight shifts and I'm home alone for the night. Maybe it's because my friend called me in a panic about her ex boyfriend (scum bag). Maybe it's because I'm burning out at work and I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. Maybe it's because I feel lonely and don't know what to do with my evening.
I don't know why. But this feeling won't leave. So I'm going to write and try to ground myself. By listing positive things going on right now.
SO made time for me after I got home from work (and before he left for his shift). Our opposite schedules suck, but I'm thankful he doesn't always work overnight shifts. I decided to take next week off work. I'm looking forward to relaxing and not stressing. This week is half over. Tomorrow I get to have a field trip with the camp kids, and Friday is movie day. Less stress (if all goes as planned). This weekend I plan to see my best friend and have two beach days. I feel so at peace when I'm on the lake. Just thinking about it makes me feel a little better. My SO is almost at 60 days on nofap. Wow. That is such a relief. The puppy is calm and tired tonight (a much needed break from his usual hyper-energetic self). I had a great dinner with SO. I gave my body a much needed rest day from the gym. I beat my deadlift PR this week (sososo proud of that one!). I'm going to my friends cabin next weekend. Happy things.
Anxiety is one of the biggest changes I noticed since D-day. It has affected me mentally in so many ways. Some days it borders on PTSD the way I have flashbacks if I go to bed and lay a certain way, or my SO isn't tired when we go to bed, or he's on his phone in bed. I get super triggered. It's something we're both working on. If he knows I'm triggered he will ask what he can do to help. Usually there isn't much, but he will play with my hair and reassure me until we both fall asleep.

This post was a bit of a ramble-on, nonsense post, but I'm glad I calmed my anxiety a bit. Now to relax.

 

Journaling today because I am so unbelievably sad. We had to put down our hedgehog this week. It's the first time I've had to make that decision for a pet. Let me tell you, it broke my fucking heart. I had my little baby for three years and watched her get progressively sicker over the last 6 months. It was so hard watching her turn from a happy healthy little hedgehog to one that lost teeth, wasn't active and didn't move much anymore, and to find a huge mass on her chest. I am heartbroken.
SO has been supportive every step of the way. He is coming along in his recovery. We've been pretty preoccupied the last week or so, but he has been putting in the effort for his recovery. I appreciate that.
Me? I'm sad. I will be for a while. I'm mourning the loss of a fur baby. It's surprisingly harder than I imagined. Other than that, my recovery has been moving forward. I am able to notice triggers (SO staying up later than me/going on tech in bed). We are able to talk about it. He doesn't always want to stop what he's doing but that's a conversation for another day. Today I'm just going to take time to miss my hedgie.