Porn = Cheating?

It doesn't matter how more wrong you make it by calling the wife sex staved it's still not cheating, so you have a habit your not telling your wife about its called keep somthing from her. Usually cheating involves that but not always.

 

Maybe it's not cheating to you. But in a way, doesn't our partner decide what's cheating? Or at least what's betrayal?

My partner doesn't like me to use sex toys. He feels that I replace him somehow and it hurts him. To me, his feelings are everything that matters. He doesn't have to explain or defence his feelings or opinions in anyway. Simply put, if something upsets him I don't do it.

"Sex starved" is a term I used to reflect reality. So many women can't have the sex life they desire or deserve because their monogamous relationship only contains one monogamous person. If you really lived this kind of life yourself, I promise you would develop a whole different view of what constitutes cheating...

 

Let's say there is no final answer that will satisfy all of us on this. To me, it's cheating. To you it isn't because it must involve being with another person. But consider:
Porn addicts lie to themselves. And they lie to their girlfriends and spouses.
They live in fear of being caught, exposed, found out, or discovered.
They are getting some kind of sexual desire met at the expense of the person to whom they have committed themselves.
I'm sure we could grow the list. You get the idea.
I respect everyone's opinion on this. I'm really okay with disagreement if it's a fruitful discussion.
For me, deciding that I was a cheater due to my porn and masturbation addictions has made me work harder at recovery. I'm not wallowing in shame, I am trying to dig my heels in so I can stick to my decision. That's why I have to call it cheating in no uncertain terms.

 

I think cheating is a universal word that means breaking that same specific rule for everyone. Which is having sexual relations with a different woman other than your partner, breaking any other rules is just betrayal does not count as cheating.

So basically I think cheating in a relationship is specific, and that betrayal in a relationship is non specific.

But i think the unwritten rule of any romantic relationship is not to cheat in the sense of being with some other person not with a computer or digital image

And I get your situation is specific but for a general answer to that question for the whole world is its not cheating to watch porn while your with someone but it is wrong and will cause harm to the relationship

 

Of course you can compare and you're contradicting yourself. If cheating is an action, then so is being a pedophile an action, therefore fantasizing about sex with a child, by your logic, is fine.

If sex fantasizing is not cheating then you should have no problem if your gf/wife is imagining another man penetrating her while she's having sex with you.

 

fantasizing about children is not fine those are your words i cant even say you twisted mine because that's not even close to what i said. to be a cheater you have to cheat because cheating is an action you preform. being a pedophile is a preference that does not require you to preform an action. its not comparable in that sense

well Ive done it, i expect woman have done it to me, but that's not how i think. you shouldn't think like that man

 

There is very little return on investment when dealing with men because they just aren't monogamous. Women are forever scrambling to rebuff sexual energy that they don't want and obtain sexual energy that they do want- and it's a struggle either way. One battle after another with no path to victory. Being single for a woman is the most rational choice. However, women generally aren't rational.

 

This is my opinion, 100%!

I’ve come to the conclusion that P is not cheating, no. For me it has to include some kind of mutual interaction. To share something intimate (physical or emotional) with someone else than your SO. And it goes both ways of course. Her fantasising or watching other men does not make me uncomfortable.

BUT it is not those standards that sets the rules. My SO went into this relationship with honest, clear boundaries: P is adultery. And that’s why I have been cheating on her all along. I can’t change that afterwards making it go away. Just because you’re true to yourself doesn’t mean you’re true to someone else.

Interesting topic, valuable discussion everyone!

 

Definitely a good point. People in a relationship have to be open with their expectations/boundaries and on the same page. That's why there are open relationships that work for some. There are boundaries that are understood by both parties and not crossed.

 

If you and your partner are not on the same page and neither is willing to budge...the relationship is doomed. No way to sugarcoat that.

 

In some ways yes and in some ways no.

Morality:
We are all sinners, we all fall short of God's glorious standard. So nobody is better than anyone else. However, at confession cheating would be listed before PM.

Emotional impact on Partner:
Potentially equivalent. This would vary greatly from person to person and circumstances in both cases.

Likelihood of Ending Relationship:
Cheating always destroys at least one relationship. It has to, because you cannot continue two different relationships indefinitely.
PM doesn't quit work that way, as there is no other person. Although, it definitely feels like there is. I literally listen to break-up songs to help me get past my addiction. P addiction can destroy a relationship, but it doesn't have to.

Addictivity:
P is more habit forming. Although you can become a sex addict.

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With either situation, the best way out is honesty. If you are honest with yourself and your SO, you will have the best shot at a positive outcome.

 

In the case of Christianity, porn/sex fantasizing is literally cheating

27 “You have heard that it was said [a]to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. ~~~~Matthew 5:27-28

And since adultery is the only act that allows for divorce, it's a pretty big thing.

 

5Head

 

Minimizing is now the denial trend in these recent posts. It's "not as bad as"...

Stealing 5 dollars from my mom is not as bad as 5 thousand. But it's still theft and hurting someone I say I love. Just because it "isn't as bad as" something else doesn't make it ok. SAs have a variety of ways of acting out, affairs, PMO, hired workers. Most people here are PAs. The commonality here is the secrecy and lies. If you are doing something behind your partner's back you are jeopardizing the ability for your partner to trust you in any scenario.

 

I find it interesting how many people define cheating as doing something behind their partners back knowing it would hurt them. From my perspective, if someone is truly and deeply in love, they will never do anything wrong that would hurt their partner or compromise their feelings for their SO. Therefore I define cheating as my own actions where I am cheating on my commitment towards my SO which I simply would never do if I truly love them. So the question is why do some people still cheat (=watch porn or have physical affairs) when they claim they are in love? I think those people are either unwilling (maybe too afraid?) or incapable of fully bonding with and committing to their partner on every level. I think the first, easiest and deepest level of loving someone is an emotional connection that is very hard to damage once it has been formed. Another level of bonding (maybe a more "fragile" bond which strength depends on many different factors) to the person we love also happens on a physical, sexual level. That means not only loving someone with our heart, but also with our body. Meaning our sexual desire/arousal/attraction becomes connected to the person that we love. That logically means that when our bodies feel sexual desire for someone else, we are also disconnecting from our feelings for our SO in that moment. And doing that simply makes no sense if we truly love our partners. I will never be brainwashed into thinking I'm "insecure" because I have a problem with my SO watching porn. I would never mentally/visually fuck another man and bond my body to their physical appearance (which porn is, which basically sex is; if my SO looks at a picture of a porn star and gets himself excited by her body and fantasies of having sex with her, then on some level, he did have sex with her, because he had a pleasurable physical response triggered by his sexual physical attraction to her physical appearance; it makes no difference on his part wether he uses his own hand or an actual vagina to climax, the consequences are the same, cheating on his sexual bond with me) because it feels wrong to me, because it would compromise my feelings of being romantically committed to my partner through my sexual feelings. And there is simply no reason I would want to do that. Consequently, if I see that my partner doesn't feel the same way about his feelings towards me by physically bonding to other women, it hurts. Knowing that my partner doesn't define their feelings for me in the same way (which doesn't necessarily make them less valid, just different), hurts. It has nothing to do with my self-confidence or the fact that other people are also attractive. Dopamine rewards us for sexually bonding with someone, but it also rewards us for experiencing true love and happiness. So it rewards us twice as much for sexually bonding with a person we love with all of our heart and have bonded to emotionally and physically. Once we have truly learned and experienced that sex/sexual desire/attraction/arousal means intimacy and love for our partner, we would never just give that away for meaningless sexual gratification.

 

Im so sorry to hear that have you guys tried couples therapy on this issue? Id expect the amount of sex to decrease over time in a marriage but combined with PA it must be incredibly difficult.

 

I heard that if you arent comfortable doing something with your partner in the room or watching and without their knowing, consent or approval, its cheating.

 

If you have diarhea and you take a shit alone in private not disclosing info from.embarrassment then I bet thatd be cheating too huh

 

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