SO MANY DELETED ACCOUNTS :(

I have been around a bit over 2 years and have seen people come and go (I took a huge hiatus from nofap last year also). I think that for some people, perhaps it is too triggering seeing some posts or seeing others in denial in earlier stages of recovery. I think some PAs do give up and get sucked back into addiction. I am so grateful this site exists and wonder a lot about what has happened to people we have connected with who have left.

 

I feel exactly the same. One shout out, if you are deleting your account there's an option to leave your posts (and they'll just have the author 'Deleted Account') or to remove your posts too. Please don't delete all your posts. Like @Queenie%Bee and @Sadgirl said, it is so sad to see people we care about here vanish, it makes it even harder to lose all trace of them, all their posts that have given us support, motivation, or insight.

 

I know a few well known and long time members (SO’s & PA’s) have left due to harassment and/or tired of arguing with ignorant people who don’t listen but instead share unhelpful information to others (nofap becoming too toxic I believe is how they put it). It’s a real shame because some of these members were huge contributors with so much experience and knowledge...and I miss them too!!

 

Generally, I'd say it's because the nature of online communities/forums have these gaps and they don't realize there are people on the other side of the posts that genuinely care like the OP here and others who are sharing that concern. It is too easy to think it is just words (or take unhelpful words from some people too seriously) but maybe even seeing a thread like this will change their mind and would have made the difference where they at least check in every so often..

I'll bet if the good people here and those they used to interact and did have helpful exchanges with actually sat in a room together there's a lot more chance where they wouldn't disappear, though of course people also leave IRL recovery communities as well. However when it is in you local area there is at least the chance you may bump into them at the grocery store or whatever, and seeing and hearing the face-to-face nonverbal communication that clearly shows the other person cares, that would have a much better chance of touching them.

Being willing to at least go with audio communication like with a phone meeting, which can still maintain anonymity esp. at a distance may make a difference. Sharing experience isn't just the play by play of what happened, it's also the realtime experience of being in the same conversation at the same time even if it's just voice. Posts are not real time because that's just the nature of writing.

 

At times I think people have an agenda and perhaps post for ego and not to genuinely help. That being said, it can be difficult to remember that addicts live in denial -especially new ones and it can be triggering.

 

Not Deleted, but concentrating on recovery in real life, with regular groups and meetings. So spending more time trying to be connected in person, rather than disconnected through technology. NoFap was a pillar of support for my recovery, and as I continue my journey this community will always have a special place, and a resource I will always highly sing the praises of. I have now built a wall, and a moat, and gone beyond the pillar. So, some of us have moved on for the better. As for my SO, she stopped because she would constantly get harassed by PMs of still very much addicts looking for a female online <sigh>.

 

Me too. I'm in my 50s, so I'm always getting PMs from PAs "looking for an older woman who will understand them." Haha. At least someone wants me....

 

My wife hasn't deleted her account, but she has mentioned that she doesn't come around as much either because of this. Everyone has their own perspective, I guess.

I'm still here, though! Although I may not post something every day, NoFap has become my Facebook - I lurk and read and soak in and learn from all of the stories here, and I am very grateful that it exists. It's not for everyone, though, I suppose.

 

I can think of one member who deleted their account recently because he was still very new and had a lot of denial. Many of the SO (including myself) challenged his views and tried to help him understand what his wife was experiencing. He left the next day.

I can also think of one member who was very active and I loved reading what he had to say but many people didn’t. He said it was toxic and that he was leaving.

Sometimes I have to take a break when I get triggered by certain posts- especially the ones where men tell other men to leave their wives because of her betrayal trauma.

 

I'm also seeing a lot of deleted accounts, and sometimes it's hard to know who they were, so much of the connection here comes from regular contact because their are no faces to go with the names and too many stories to always keep straight. If they've been quoted, sometimes you can figure it out.

It's true that this site isn't for everyone and it's not all good, but the best way to leave I think is with a farewell post, change your counter if you have one (because counter's that aren't actively attended too just sit and tick up without merit), and leave the posts up.

I guess if I was getting enough support in real life, I might leave too, but right now I'm still here regularly.

 

I can only speak for myself but I’m not on it nearly as much as before for the fact that some are the posts are triggering or get me anxious. I’m a huge empath and i feel the SOs pain when things go awry as well as rage when PAs are in denial of their addiction/don’t understand what their SO is going through. It’s been a year since DDay and we are in a much better place with the help of our therapist who specializes in EFT and sex/porn addiction, countless books (I recommend any book by Paula Hall and Hold Me Tight by sue Johnson) and reading them TOGETHER, but also my husband’s commitment in taking the reins of his recovery. Not saying it’s been easy. Oh no. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs but we are getting there.

 

I think "all of the above" should be a voting option.

I've done 12 step for 9 years and I have recently stepped back from that. The reason I did was because I noticed as I changed and grew that a lot of people remained stuck and I felt like it was starting to hold me back. For example, I did ACoA for 2 years and I left because I felt it had worked for me and that if I stayed I would get stuck. I think the rooms help to a point but that part of growth is moving on to the next thing that will help you. I saw people getting help to a point but 12 step rooms are somewhat notorious for pushing an agenda that they are all the help you need.

I took a hiatus from this group for a while. While I was gone a lot of said members deleted their accounts. I looked through journals and postings and saw that some had left on good terms and others not so much.

The reason I took a hiatus is because I felt that in this particular forum, there were cliques forming and that those cliques were pushing certain specific agendas and backing each other up on the "right ways" and "right ideas" about the subject matter at hand. Old timer wisdom is helpful but I saw a lot of those people backing each other up sometimes in ways that looked to me like they were holding back their own personal growth. Enabling is the word I am looking for. It looked like there was an attempt to create some kind of tiered status or priesthood. I noticed that I was on the inside of that clique and I didn't like how that was directing me in my recovery. I am kind of like Groucho Marx in that I would not want to join any club who would have me as a member so I stepped away for a while.

I do miss some people, not everyone. But, as they say in 12 step rooms, the most important person in the room is the newcomer. Now that I have returned and see fresh faces as well as old timers, it doesn't seem so cliquish to me anymore.

Peace,
-Quinn

 

Meaning in the Rebooting in a Relationship section?

 

Yeah, that was the section I most frequented at the time.

 

Glad to see you back! Missed seeing you around.