Susannah's Going to Stop Trying to Control Things .....Tomorrow

Today is just another status report about me and where I am in my recovery. Short answer : doing better all the time. In the last update, I wrote about my resumption of physical exercise and that is going well. It will still be a while before I feel my strength returning and probably a long while before I get back to where I was, but standing still is not acceptable. So I’m happy to be getting back into those habits.

For my next trick, I plan to seek out new folks who share my interests. My husband and I were extremely close and shared lots of activities and hobbies. I had plenty of friends (before things got so bad), but even so, he and I did a lot together. I particularly miss our evening music time. Almost every night we would play together, but now it is more like once a week. I still play on my own, but it isn’t the same, so I want to find some musician friends to play with or join a community orchestra or something. I also want to begin to revive some old friendships I let drop over the last couple of years, if they’ll have me. This will be tricky, since I don’t really want to tell any of them what happened and why I was unable, for a while, to be a good friend. It’s strange, but the feelings of shame I have around my husband’s addiction persists in me no matter how I try to talk myself out of it. It’s that guilt by association along with the personal embarrassment about how far I let things go, (which I somehow have to find a way to own, no matter how uncomfortable.) If I tell people the truth, they will just look at me with that face that says, “What the hell were you thinking? What is the matter with you?” They will judge me. I know, because I judged others. At least part of me did. I used to have a coworker who would come in with some new injury or massive bruise about every fortnight. Everybody knew, but after a while of hearing her excuses, people eventually stopped asking what had happened. It was as if there was just an unspoken agreement to spare her the questions. With all she was going through, she didn’t need the additional burden of thinking up things to try to reassure us. I felt deep compassion for her and anger at whoever was hurting her, but if I’m honest, I admit I also judged her. I knew better, but part of me made all kinds of assumptions about her anyway. And now, I’m mortified to be the object of that. It just seems easier to start fresh with people who didn’t know me - won’t notice how much I’ve changed. I don’t know…

 

Thanks, S&L, as always, for the pep talk. I know you are right. And no, I don’t actually think I
am co-dependent either. I have just been going through a spell where I have been trying hard to accept responsibility for my own feelings and predicament. Know what I mean? I guess I have been giving self-criticism a lot of credence, so I am predisposed to accept outside criticism (real or imagined) from others also. I acknowledge it is limiting me and causing me some stress, but it is nowhere near the biggest fish I have to fry right now.

Thought of the day: To be misunderstood is to be human. Learn to be ok with that.

As always, you seem to be reading my mind, S&L. Maybe Max is, too. Or I, both of yours? Either way, Yikes! But since last night, a slightly different version of what @Max Fisher said has been swirling around in my head: “You have to be willing to let people be wrong about you.” Of course, it applies to what you are referring to (my above post), but I had another situation in mind.

I had a hard conversation with my husband last night, which led to some introspection that has made me fairly miserable. We had been talking and I began to get a little frustrated (not important why), but he came out with a goad that had become very familiar toward the end of our marriage – “Why are you so mad?” Well, just being asked that question used to make me furious, and he knew this very well and used it in order to deflect attention from himself. Eventually, I figured out his game and stopped reacting with anger, but by simply shutting down. Pull that shit = conversation over. Well, he hadn’t tried it in a while, so I was surprised. Then I realized that this time he wasn’t trying to goad me. And in fact, I was angry. Very angry. I realized I had not actually been able to let go of so many things I thought I had. It was then that he asked exactly, precisely the right questions. He said, “It is obvious that you have been trying to tell me something for a long time, but I haven’t been able to hear you properly, so it just keeps ricocheting around in your head. What do you wish I knew? What do you want me to know? What haven’t I been able to hear?” At first, I was in shock. Then I became really angry. He was right. I have been trying to tell him, trying to make him see, for so long. In an effort to somehow convey the hurt I have felt, I have burned so much energy. I have said things a million different ways in a million tones of voice. I have tried to show him. I have consulted others here for advice. I have done interpretive dances. He never got it. Any of it. But now, when he was asking me to tell him what I wanted him to know, now that he seemed receptive, I could not for the life of me figure out what to say. After having had so many words, I now had none. It seemed that the time for all that had passed ages ago. But I simply could not let this opportunity go. So I struggled for a minute more – to no avail. Then, as I was sinking into resignation, a phrase just came out of my mouth. It didn’t even seem to come from my mind – just out of my mouth. I’m going to write it here (along with part of it's associated rant) even though it may sound ridiculous. But out came the words, “I have been stripped of my sexuality and I did not give my consent! I wasn’t ready.” From there, words and tears just started flowing and I could not stop. It seemed as if I had come to the heart of the problem – the root of all my misery. I’m sorry to be so dramatic, but that’s how I felt. (And THAT is the one and only apology I’m going to issue for being dramatic. My realization and all the associated feelings and words DID seem profound to me. ) I was and am so angry that I am a 56 year old woman whose sexuality is very much intact and ready to be expressed. I have kept myself in good physical condition (even now when I am at my worst, it’s not bad at all), I love sex and I can guarantee I am a helluva lot better lay than I was as a 20 year old. But where is my cohort? Jacking off to teenagers, that's where. Sorry for the crudeness, but I can fuck circles around my gimpy, out-of-shape, decade-older, porn-addled husband. Nevertheless, the only sexuality he can recognize is in a teenage girl. And he speaks for our culture. Women my age (and lots younger) are, by and large, completely disregarded as sexual beings. Oh, people find other functions for us to perform, other ways for us to be useful, but our sexuality is unceremoniously stripped away as we grow older. At 56, I can’t even see mine in my rear-view mirror anymore. And I did not consent. I was not ready. But so what? I can take it if the culture does not acknowledge my sexuality. Culture is dumb, and there is a lot about me they don’t acknowledge and it hasn’t kept me from getting along just fine, thank you. But what I cannot bear is that my husband let me down. He has appreciated so many things about me. He loves to spend time with me, finds me amusing and intellectually stimulating, loves physical closeness with me, is happy just sitting in silence with me. He sees me as an ideal companion in every way except one – I am not a fit recipient for his sexual energy, because it was decided somewhere, sometime, by somebody, that I had been disqualified for that purpose and instead of having my back, he agreed with “their” assessment. So he is bifurcated. Most of him thinks I am exactly what he wants. But the rest of him thinks I just won’t do. And that "rest of him", the sexual part, just happens to be the part that he has chosen to occupy center stage in his mind and life. So where does that leave me? It leaves me perpetually wanting him all, but being ineligible for that "prize". And he’s old enough and smart enough to have his head on straight about this. He should have had my back. If he had, I would have had the courage to not give a fuck what anybody else thought.

And there was lots more. Lots.

.......

And I hear you S&L. I acknowledge cognitive distortions all over the place. There may even have been a point when I shouted that all girls should probably be driven off a cliff on their 21st birthdays just for efficiency’s sake. Yes, I know. I’ve spent the last year in twice per week CBT. But the thoughts and feelings have to surface – they have to flow out – before they can be examined.

So - full circle back to Max’s quote – Yes. Even if it is true that neither the culture nor my husband can see that my sexuality is intact, OF COURSE, it doesn’t mean they are right. I don’t have to accept their assessment. I can KNOW I am a fully sexual being even if no one else sees it. It "just" means they are mistaken. But, man, what a “just”.

 

Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot, coming from you.

I'm genuinely glad you see it, too. I've been wondering if it was just wishful thinking on my part.

Well done - it's been gratifying to watch your progress. Watching your reports (along with those of other recovering PAs) have been a real source of hope for me and other SOs.

 

Thanks, Max!

And don't smoke, Sonny.....

 

Thank god... Now I don't have to tell your mother.

 

Right?! LOL

 

An update to this post/experience. It's been a week since that experience and yesterday my husband told me that he has been introspecting about it over that time. He talked about the times when he is in the grips of the compulsion to ogle, which is pretty much whenever almost any woman is present. (He definitely has a hierarchy of victims, but will work his way down that until he finds someone.) Previously, I had observed that his body language changes, he becomes mentally addled, etc. I assumed it was due to the feeling of compulsion. But when he looked into it, he found that something else was also there. The way he put it was that the physical feeling of the compulsion is "just discomfort" and kind of blew that off. He said what he is actually feeling in those moments, and what he believes is behind the visible symptoms is a feeling of panicked pain emanating from a deeply buried, primitive part of himself. He described that pain as dwarfing the discomfort of the compulsion. He considers eliminating the behavior to be important and will keep addressing that, but also believes that the behavior will fade if he addresses the deep panic and it's source, the pain. All sounds good....too good. I am so deeply mistrustful at this point that my first thought is, "Okay, sounds good, but also sounds a lot like something you read in a book. Doesn't every pathology everybody has really come down to a deeply buried, primitive part that is in pain?" He has been lobbying very hard to get me to come home lately. Lots of reports like this, lots of tears, lots of remorse. I have been very conscientious about NOT been giving him reason to hope, so there is no weird manipulation thing going on on my part, but he has really been pressing nevertheless. My mistrustful side is so easy to activate - just now when I typed "remorse" I almost typed the words I usually think of when he starts it - "remorse theater". And THIS (say it with me), boys and girls, is why you don't lie.

 

Hmmm. Yes. I have been posting a lot more than usual and spending more time reading other journals (yours included!) as I do some deep dives and introspection and look for insight from addicts that might help me come to terms with difficult things. Nofap has been SO HELPFUL. A year ago, I never thought I'd be a part of a place like this - never dreamed there WERE places like this. But some of the people and ideas here really impress me.

So, on to your questions (btw - I love this kind of thing - seems I'm always the one asking, but when I get asked, I find it so helpful to my thinking process.)

1) He makes reference to deep, old pain and says that it manifests in the following (among other things): intense fear of abandonment; fear of rejection, (which usually goes like this - fear that he is defective, fear that his sexual desire is somehow harmful and destructive); fear of unworthiness; conviction that a real relationship with close connection is not possible for him, but because he has a deep desire for one, he engages in constant "searching" for another partner; fear that he damaged like his father.
But here's the rub. He cannot come up with any single, big event or trauma that is an obvious source of the pain. It's damned frustrating, as I (and he) would love to have a tidy explanation. He has also discovered and reported a long-time hatred (his word) of women. But my observations of his behavior are that he is DESPERATE for the attention and approval of women, particularly and creepily those aged 14-22 or so. In fact, I have a belief that he "sees" himself as being that age also. He is a compulsive flirt, show-off, etc. He has a standard behavior, which I refer to as his "vaudeville routine". In ANY interaction with a girl, casual or not, he will instantly launch into an animated, arms-waving "I just flew in from Cleveland, and boy are my arms tired!" kind of showing off. The poor girl, usually a store or desk clerk who has been trained and socialized to laugh politely at the jokes of old men, will laugh nervously and back away a couple of steps. And that nervous laugh (which I think he interprets as returned interest) will convince him that he should turn the whole thing up to 11. It is goddamned embarrassing for everyone involved. But I digress...
His background = Only child, father (alcoholic) abandons family for secretary when husband is about 3 years old, mother leaves him in day care while she returns to school for a teaching degree in order to support them. Husband is a bookish, non-athletic boy who is bullied in elementary school, but moves, then does better in junior high and high school. His first reported sexual dysfunction is at age 15, when he repeatedly molests a 9 year old cousin (this is something that came out for the first time about 7 months ago, during the Mother of All Disclosures), father dies of cirrhosis when husband is 20 and has not seen him for about 10 years.

So what is the pain? Who knows? There are plenty of likely candidates - abandonment by father, let's just say "odd" relationship with mother, bullying, "misfitness". Later traumas may have contributed, but I think the early offense points to a childhood trauma. He was good and disturbed by age 15. He remembers no sexual abuse. He has related to me his first masturbation experience, which seems pretty vanilla. So..??? He claims to still be "looking" for the trauma, but I suspect it is either a bunch of small stuff (which you described so well recently in your journal) or a really HUGE thing that he has blocked. He has shown an AMAZING capacity to block or distort things that happened in his past. I have spoken to a few of his close relatives who know about his addiction and the differences between his recounting of events and theirs is truly impressive.

2)MY parents? I'll trust that this is not a typo and go with it. My parents married when my mom was 18 and my dad 20. I came along about a year later, so I was raised by children. My dad was/is very authoritative with his kids and with my mom. Lots of physical punishment for the kids (it was 50 years ago in the south), but I never saw him strike my mom and don't think he did. He was and is an asshole. I grew up watching him belittle, bully, and embarrass my mom at home and in public. This was usually done fairly subtly, but I recognized it even as a kid. Growing up, I watched her silently cry in the car on the way home from events many times. He was the King of the Household. I spent most of my time just trying to escape his notice. My mother was afraid of him and never intervened when he got physical with my brother and I. So as a kid and to this day, I think of my mom more as another child in the family than as a parent. Sad. I think she sees him as kind of a father figure. He drives her everywhere, she always does whatever he wants to do, she defers to him in almost everything. How does he see her? Funny thing is that I believe he thinks of himself as a devoted husband and family man, who is kind of burdened by a simpleton of a wife, but who will do the right thing by her out of a sense of moral obligation. I honestly don't think he ever cheated on her and he was an unfailingly good provider who never spent a lot of money on himself. So, a long but dysfunctional marriage probably not a lot different from many originating in that time and place.

Whew! Is that the kind of thing you were looking for?

 

Yes - it was very moving at the time. I think it was the first time he really stopped to analyze what he was feeling in real time.

 

Interesting to contemplate. In this model, can persons with a "dark" basic nature (if aware), overcome it? Do persons of "light" unfailingly create and heal? Are actions diagnostic? In other words, if you see a person who has been creative and healed as a response to a bad situation, can you assume they are a person of light? How self-aware can one be about this, ie does one always know which they are?

 

Hmm. Must think about this. Not claiming to be a "brightest light" or anything like, but it has occurred to me that one reason I stayed as long as I did is that I kept projecting my traits and attitudes onto him, expecting him to respond and understand as I believe I would have in his shoes. I have believed him to be basically good, but blind and misguided. I was continually shocked by his behavior, deception, and revelations.