Married, no real sex but secret porn

Addiction thrives in darkness, so you will need her help on this one. Hope and pray that she's understanding, and spill the beans with her. Hiding it any longer from this point will be detrimental. You were vulnerable enough to tell us, wise decision, now be vulnerable enough to tell her.

P.S. Yes, it will be scary. PMO in a relationship hits that hidden switch in Pandora's box. I was there before, but it's possible to not only recover, but to turn this into a good thing, with time. Best of wishes.

 

Confiding in your wife may be terrifying and whilst it could be the catalyst you need it could also be devastating for your relationship. Read some of the SO journals on the site before you consider making that bold step.

If I were you I would give it another go using this forum, set up a counter perhaps look for an accountability partner.

Given what you have said about the lack of sex and intimacy in your relationship I think there are other aspects you need to work on as well, how does you wife feel about your relationship?

 

Getting honest is going to be an important step in your recovery, the most important step actually. I don't think I would dump it all out on day 2, however. You're taking the first big step in being honest with yourself. It's going to be hard. You're going to have to face not only how it impacted your relationship but also how it impacted your life.

For example: I used porn for so long that I did not thrive as a man in my youth. I didn't take care of my body, I didn't take care of my mind, nor my soul. I didn't think I was a worthwhile person and I treated myself like that. I walked the streets with my head hung low. I had no pride, no sense of self worth. I had to face all of that. I'm still facing it actually. It's hitting me pretty hard again because of other issues in my relationship that triggered it.

I suggest for the next few weeks you stick to this forum and take care of yourself and your recovery. I also recommend individual therapy if you can afford it. Get some help and make a plan to get honest with your wife. Don't dawdle. Don't take anything of what I'm saying as you have plenty of time. You're going to have to talk soon. But you don't have to proceed from the position of you have to fix everything about you and the situation that was broken right away (you can't anyways). It's going to take a long time.

Note: if discovery on her part is about to happen beyond your control for some reason, then you must tell her before she discovers.

Note 2: You cannot live a full life with your integrity intact and keep your recovery a secret. It doesn't work.

Also, a comment on the secrecy and then telling her you love her. Remember that both are true:

1. You are keeping a secret.
2. You love your wife.

#1 is bad, #2 is good. But #1 does not negate #2. It just means you have a problem with shame, addiction and secrecy. You're being dishonest about your secret but not your love.

I hope this helps,
-Quinn

 

Excellent advice, and I would only add that disclosure should be vague at first with an invitation to give details...as many as she wants. Some partners want to know everything, some want to know almost nothing, and some want to know more but a little later. The disclosure start is your call, how it goes after is your partner's call.