Journey to be the husband I should be.

I'm starting nofap to be the partner my wife deserves and the father my son deserves.

I have been in a PMO cycle since about the age of 12. Now 35. I know it's going to be tough to break this habit. My wife doesn't mind my use of porn and knows about it, but I don't believe she understands the extent of my reliance on it. I believe it has warped my view of sex and created and strengthened a whole host of fetishes which frankly I don't want or need.

I suffer from OCD and anxiety in general and I have grown ever more reliant on using porn to self-medicate. If I feel I can't cope and the anxiety is too much I'm straight to the bathroom to scroll endlessly.

This is going to be the fight of my life. Kick porn, kick anxiety and prove I can be the man my wife deserves.

I hope to document my journey here.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I understand your point of doing this for oneself and that you can not rely on others to always be your motivation. I guess it is tricky, since a huge part of my motivation comes from wanting to be the person my family deserves. That is something *I* want for myself, to know that I have done my best for them.

I realise that hanging ones motivation on others, leads to the problem of that motivation collapsing if the relationship is having difficulties. I hope basing my motivation around my own desire to be a better husband/father avoids this.

It would be interesting though to know what others think.

 

So far I haven't had too much trouble staying away from actual PM. However, I have had many momentary day dreams which probably at some point could lead to PM if I don't stay mindful. Some things that have helped me so far;

1. When I have the beginnings of a sexual day dream, I stop and ask myself, "Where does this thought lead. What good will it do?"
2. Forewarned is forearmed - e.g. having read about needing PM more after O I was ready for that feeling and was prepared.
3. To think of my sobriety like a fortress. The outer defense is being mindful of minor things, like wandering sexual thoughts and whether my eyes linger when they shouldn't. With each layer I add, I hope the less likely it is I will relapse.

 

Definitely been a harder week. Frankly the P aspect of things has been ok but the no M has been tough. Hopefully the insanely high level of arousal will die down eventually because at the moment, despite not holding onto sexual thoughts, just the movement of my body is causing me problems. Nervously twitching my leg actually ended up stimulating my prostate and I had to stop since it would have caused me to edge.

Other things I have been thinking about; it made me happy to think I am not just "a PA". I don't want that to consume my identity. It is part of me and I have to deal with it, but I think in other respects I have been a good father, husband and friend and those parts of me are what is worth doing this for.

I also have been doing some thinking about my past and how in some ways I don't think porn is the sole source of the problem. Long before porn I seem to have been wired in a overly sexual and kink oriented way. Certainly I recall times in childhood that support this. Perhaps we are genetically predisposed to this problem? In that sense perhaps it is useful to view PA in a wider context of a problem of understanding boundaries and acceptable behaviour in the context of ones sexuality. For me porn is problematic because it intensifies my desires and loosens my judgement. Why put myself in a position where I am likely to regret my actions?

 

I have been reading a lot of posts on reddit.com/r/loveafterporn

The pain and suffering of the partners of addicts on there is so raw and over-whelming. On one hand it motivates me further and on the other it makes me feel beyond redemption. I literally feel grief at thought of causing my wife this pain. There are nights I haven't slept at all, lying awake, crying. The cruellest aspect of this problem to me is to hurt someone you love and not be able to be there to make it right. How can I be there to hug and hold and tell them everything is going to be ok, when I am the cause of all this.

 

It's been a week of fairly close calls. To use the terminology of SAA - I've definitely dipped into middle circle behaviour. Usually this has been 'justified' by my brain seeing them as actions directed towards my partner. I've been fairly clear with myself as what I see as a relapse - anything that is explicit P or M - so I have not reset my counter, but my mind has definitely wanted to push towards the edge of what I would consider acceptable. Saying that - I'm still here and still going strong.

 

Well I suppose it's not unexpected but I relapsed the other night. I currently feel pretty disappointed with myself but I then again I don't think any of us assumed this would be easy. Hopefully I can see 24 days sober as a good base to build upon. I am also happy that I can still complete 90 days before the end of the year.

Some thoughts on relapse; the most significant problem I encountered was just that my general level of sexual arousal was growing with time. I have never suffered from PIED and have always been sexual available to my wife so I think my libido is just super high. Anyway, having not O'ed in about 20 days I was at the point where moving about in my seat at work was pushing me dangerously close to an O, which was completely unintentional! I think I might see better results if I put M in my outer-circle behaviours and P in the inner-circle.

I absolutely want to avoid compulsive M when done as a coping mechanism, but I think total avoidance may be counter-productive to my healing. My intention is to abstain from P and M, but if my arousal is getting to the point of constantly popping erections in my office and nearly O'ing from the vibrations of the train I think it is better to M rather than have a total relapse.

 

Thanks for your support JamesTheSquirrel. I understand exactly why you say this, "But then today you have started to change your own rules that you set yourself". I guess I am still trying to figure out what works best to deal with the problem of P.

To put it another way; if in 5 years time I M once a week and the is no P, then I would consider that success. The abstinence of M here is a tool to achieve freedom from P. Actually the day counter here has been immensely helpful and kept me from relapsing sooner. The problem was, was that as soon as I M'ed I thought, "screw it, I have relapsed now, lets go full P". Basically I want two counters - one for M and one for P .

Regarding my wife; I would have loved to have an O with her but I think she has a much lower libido than mine. She knows I'm available for her whenever she wants but between us taking care of the kid and finding some time when she isn't too tired or feeling unwell, it's tough to make it happen. I think the P hasn't helped this to be honest and I have found kicking the P has made it easier to make the time for each other. I have had the time to just cuddle or give her massages etc.. instead of being stuck in my office "working".

Thinking about what you say I think I *will* attempt to keep to no PM and see how it goes. It's hard to know what is your addict brain and what isn't!

 

Thanks for the interesting reply romeolima. I think the interaction of masturbation with porn is an interesting one. It makes me think of eating disorders. What I have noticed is that I have frequent urges to M but nearly all of those are related to anxiety, boredom, stress or something else, i.e. M is an escape. That, I think, is the bad type of M and it will lead to P, since it is about escape. I am not sure where I stand with a 'genuine' M, I am still experimenting with the best combination of things to keep me off P but right now I am staying away from M as much as possible and definitely anything that hints at 'escape'. I will see if any other type of M arises in the course of things but so far, after one week, all urges have been 'escape' M.

 

Glad to hear your commitment fredisthebes. Looking through your journal I see you're doing daily yoga. Does that help you at all with quitting? I have started a commitment to regularly practising meditation; I'm hopeful I will see some effects from this, particularly an improvement of mindfulness. Would you recommend yoga?