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Losing attraction to your SO

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Lindbain, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. Lindbain

    Lindbain Fapstronaut

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    Does anyone else feel like porn use caused them to particularly lose attraction to their SO? I definitely get strong sexual urges for real women but I often times feel like I’m just not that attracted to my girlfriend anymore. I have little doubt that porn is a major reason for this even though I find other women attractive (coworkers ect.).
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
  2. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I can speak for my husband. Yes he found me very unattractive-to the point that he refused sex with me for years. Even a week of no pmo and he couldn't keep his hands of me. Now he says "you look great if I'm not looking at 20 year olds". Sad fact is that now I know I can find better than him and I find him completely unattractive.
     
  3. After being married for two years and returning for PMO for the last year, I started finding my wife gradually less attractive. Even if I found her beautiful, I could not initiate anything sexual, as I felt completely drained. However, when going on the street or looking at porn, I found no issues finding different women attractive and fantasising about them. Hell, I ended up multiple times lying next to my wife in bed and thinking about others.

    So short answer is that yes that happens and based on the experiences of others it happens pretty often.
     
    Juanca12, Lindbain and IbrahimViking like this.
  4. IbrahimViking

    IbrahimViking Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure if I remember this correctly, but I think that's it's one of the main points the original message of "your brain on porn" makes. Your brain becomes dependent on "new" and "different ", and you lose ability to like what you enjoyed before.
    So I'd say you're exactly right to attribute that to PM.
     
    Juanca12, ItsInTheBag and Lindbain like this.
  5. I never lost any attraction for my SO after 10 years of marriage, but maybe because the P I was into was mostly animated/art/fantasy.
     
    Lindbain likes this.
  6. Not surprising because porn teaches us to chase novelty. It's about self-serving orgasm versus intimate lovemaking with a person. Sex can be awesome with your significant other once our minds get cleared from the influence of porn and selfish pursuit.
     
  7. I didn't consciously lose attraction to my wife but my actions spoke for themselves and I didn't act sexually towards her. Maybe I was just lying to myself.

    I've always had a bit of a problem with wandering eyes. That has definitely come and gone throughout PA. Now that I've been clean for a few days I'm finding myself very definitely noticing real women again and particularly my wife.
     
    need4realchg and Lindbain like this.
  8. Lindbain

    Lindbain Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, everything you guys have said is pretty much what I was thinking. I fantasize about a coworker, my girlfriend’s sister (who isn’t even that attractive); anyone but her. I’m definitely seeking novelty and taboo. No doubt, years of porn use has caused this.
     
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    And giving up P will light a fire under your ass and you'll want to do many nice things to her again :). Can confirm.
     
  11. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I often read that when a SO stops watching P for even a week they can't keep their eyes or hands off of their SO, however my SO hasn't watched P in 90+ days and its obvious with the lack of words and lack of actions that it hasn't changed the way he sees or feels about me. I've lost all hope at this point.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
  12. Lindbain

    Lindbain Fapstronaut

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    Are you sure he’s stopped? I’m on day 25 and I can’t say I feel much different. I think I’ve been flatlining lately though. I think healing time is probably different for everyone. Sort of like when an alcoholic stops drinking. Some people never crave a drink again after 6 months, others struggle much longer.
     
  13. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    1. Are you sure he did?
    2. Some people battle with flat-lines for up to two years :|. It's an exception rather than the rule, but you need to be aware of it.

    One week, then ravaging passion is maybe 0.1%. Mostly, fairy tales.
     
    Last edited: Sep 25, 2019
    Shatteredsoul likes this.
  14. jolee80

    jolee80 Fapstronaut

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    I have the same problem, not being attracted to my husband. But that’s because of his porn use. I spent years being invisible to him, so I guess that’s a natural thing to happen. Yes, porn makes you not be attracted to your SO. Only the lucky addicts end up with a wife that’s still attracted to them.
     
  15. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I'm pretty sure he's stopped unless he's going around the accountability app, using someone else's devices, has it stored on his computer or an external hard drive where internet access isn't required, but I really don't think so. He also said that it was not a struggle to stop watching P, he doesn't think about it and does not struggle with wanting to watch it.

    Since we moved in together nearly 2 years ago he watched P and edged just about every day, sometimes 2x a day, but says he never one time MO since moving in together. He has also never once initiated S either unless I include the 2 or 3 times over a month ago when he had PE or went soft and couldn't finish which neither has ever happened before he stopped watching P. (I was the one who initiated S like 4x a week and it was only ever about him).
     
  16. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    I really like the way you flipped the question! Porn use and attraction definitely work both ways.

    That is exactly what happened with my ex-husband as well. After years of his porn use my attraction towards him started to fade (I was not invisible to him, I was unavailable to him due to his porn use) during the worst part of the marriage I could barely look at him. And once that happened I could never salvage that relationship - it was over!
    I am also losing attraction and feelings towards my current SO due to my invisibility to him, just the pure lack of anything from him. Sadly once my attraction is completely gone, I'm also gone...there is no coming back.
     
  17. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    What does this mean?
     
  18. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    If he's truly serious about this, he will come along.

    I had a friend of mine working nights and, during days, tending to her husband in hospital (young guy, leukemia). While he was under some kind of drugs, he told her: "I'm going to get well, and get out of this hospital. Then, I will divorce you, and marry a young, slim blonde." Needless to say...it shattered her.

    She was a gorgeous woman. And there she was, giving him her everything...and hearing that from the man she loved.

    He was gone by the time she confided me what happened. I asked her whether he had some electronic devices there to kill time (keep in mind, we were really good/close friends, so this discussion shouldn't surprise you...). "Yes", she answered, "he had his laptop and he was watching porn more than usually." (Poor soul, she didn't see anything wrong with it.) "Was he looking at slim, blonde actresses?" - me.

    Of course I was right. FWIW, I was able to at least give her some closure. I'm not sure how much she believed me.

    I told you this story so that you understand what you are battling here: brain plasticity. Changes our "taste" (as wrong as this word sounds). Resetting will bring everything back in working order.
     
    Shatteredsoul likes this.
  19. ItsInTheBag

    ItsInTheBag Fapstronaut

    Staying away from P for one week, and then him not being able to keep his hands off of you happens very rarely. That's an insanely fast reboot. Almost impossible. Probably for guys that were never really addicted to begin with.
     
    Shatteredsoul likes this.
  20. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    That is really sad. Thanks for sharing that story, I hope she has been able to move forward since her loss. That's a good example of how porn changes peoples 'tastes'.

    My SO has always PMO since before I met him (he actually had PIED the first 4-5 times we tried- I told him to stop PMO so much then suddenly PIED was never a problem again, after moving in together he edged to P and watched it more than ever. So since he has always watched it I wonder if that would mean I was never really his 'taste/type' to begin with... or if his type changed as he watched more of it.

    Oh okay - thank you for the explanation.
     

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