HOCD, I don't know what went wrong in my life

Before I start typing this, I just want to let you know that I have nothing against gay people or anyone in the LGBTQ community. I respect people of all sexualities and identities. I apologize in advance if I say anything to offend anyone reading this. Also, I apologize for the long post but I just have a lot on my mind.

Warning: The content in this post might cause triggers
Even though I have not officially been diagnosed with HOCD, I believe I have it. I just want to let you know a little bit about my life. I started liking girls at about 8 years old. I had a lot of crushes on girls ever since I was in late elementary school. I was popular in school because I was co-captain of my football team, tall, athletic, masculine, did well in school and sports, a lot of people told me I was good looking, and a lot of girls would confess their feelings for me. Although I liked the attention I was getting from girls, I was a very picky person when it came to dating so I eventually rejected all of them. In my life, I've only had 8 intense crushes on girls. However, I've only dated 1 girl and that was in middle school. Most of the girls thought I was a jerk because I rejected them so it hurt my chances at dating in high school. However, I did go to homecoming with one of the prettiest girls at my school and she almost won homecoming queen. I really enjoyed being her date and it was one of my favorite high school memories. I wish I would've got to know her better and maybe I would've had something special with her. I don't know if porn caused me to be picky about dating or if I am just a picky person in general. Also, I thought I was too busy to date girls because I had football, studying for the ACT, applying for colleges, etc.

Fast forward to freshman year of college, I made a lot of friends and had a great year. Most of my friends throughout my life were straight guys and I would never have any intrusive thoughts about being gay or doing gay things to them. I view guys as my friends and sometimes my brothers and never wanted to have any sexual or romantic relationships with them. I only wanted sexual and romantic relationships with girls. I still want that, however, this is where I have a problem. My college has a lot of people who are in the LGBTQ community. My suite-mate in my freshman year was gay. Even though he hasn't come out, it's pretty obvious. He would always flirt with me and it really bugged me. I felt disturbed because I didn't want a guy making romantic advances towards me because it didn't feel natural to me. It was one of the most uncomfortable situations I have ever been in. I had crushes on a couple of girls at my college but they eventually dated someone else. I was pretty hurt but I got over it. After my freshman year, I went back home and started summer school.

During summer school, I hung out with a group of guys and we did projects together. Everything was cool but this one guy in my group was different compared to everyone else. He acted pretty feminine but I don't think he's gay. He's not very good looking, but he was very kind and had a good personality that I think girls would like. It messed up my mind because even though I was not attracted to him at all, I saw feminine traits that I admired. I thought I was turning gay and I panicked because all my life I was comfortable and embraced the thought of being a straight man. But now for the last 2 months, I keep getting these thoughts about "what if I'm gay?" "Am I in denial?" "Am I attracted to this guy?" etc. I'm back at college for my sophomore year and things have been complicated. Before my problems occurred, whenever I saw a good-looking guy, I would just say to myself, "he is a good-looking guy" and I would think nothing else of it. Now when I see a good-looking guy, I start to feel weird, guilty, ashamed, and disgusted with myself for feeling this way towards guys. I also start to question my sexuality as well.

I'm also dealing with a porn addiction. I started to watch porn when I was 13 years old. The first thing I ever jerked off to was to Sports Illustrated's Swim Suit Edition and other bikini magazines. Then I watched porn on the internet and it escalated into other porn genres that I feel ashamed about. It started with just vanilla stuff. Then I started to get into MILFs, incest, girl BJ POVs, big tits, and then eventually hentai. Hentai is the genre I am most ashamed of and the genre that fucked me up the most. I let my imagination run too wild. When I watched hentai, I saw some really fucked up shit. The most fucked up thing I saw in Hentai was this sub-genre called "gender-bender." It's basically where a guy turns into a girl and starts having sex as a girl or vice versa. I don't know if that counts as gay or transgender porn but all I know is that I reached a dangerous point of porn escalation and its screwing with my mind. I believe this is the root of where most of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts and feelings come from.

My life is just out of control right now. My mind is being filled with these unwanted thoughts and feelings about being gay which is confusing my heart and soul and I think my identity is in crisis. I feel like my masculinity is fading away since I left high school, my view on women is distorted and my sexuality is in chaos and confusion.

There is nothing wrong with being gay, I know that. However, I feel like that's not who I am and that's not who I want to be. Deep down when I really listen to myself, I want to be a straight man. I want to feel like a straight man again and not any second thoughts. I still think I am straight, but with these unwanted thoughts and feelings, I keep second guessing myself.

I am almost 1 month into my current streak and things have gotten better. My fetishes from porn and hentai have almost vanished, I have moments where I feel like myself before I watched porn, I am doing better at school, I started meditating and even my HOCD thoughts and feelings have reduced. However, they still pop up into my mind frequently and it's really upsetting me.

Am I in denial or do I have HOCD? Should I go see a therapist about my issues? I want to feel comfortable with being a straight man like I did before all my problems occurred, but how do I do that? Does having a girlfriend help during a reboot? Also, do you guys consider "gender-bender" a form of gay/transgender porn? I feel like it is in some ways but also not in other ways. Is there anyone out there that can offer any advice to me? Thanks.

 

Thanks for the reply! I didn't know that long time porn use can actually cause me to have these thoughts. Have you ever dealt with HOCD or anything similar to me? I would really like to talk to someone that I can relate to.