Another familiar season of deceit. Another Fall of tumbling.

My initially discovery was over a year ago.

My husband claimed to abstain and more or less accepted the accountability software I insisted on for the majority of the time, with a few issues of argument induced defiance wherein he removed the software for a time (few days to a week) without my consent. During those times I disconnected.

And here we are again. Last night my husband had been missing for a while, “antsy” and when I found him he immediately tried to hide and cover a tablet— this was something we got for our toddler a long time ago that I had forgotten we even had.

I demanded to see what he was doing. He claimed he was journaling and didn’t want me to see. BS. I could see actual journaling on notebook paper and his laptop (that does have accountability software on it)was also out— but there would be no reason to have a third, hidden redundant device for journaling. He wasn’t trying to hide his actual journal. I told him to prove it and show me the screen so I could see if it was a word document, at least at a glance. He refused.

I was shaking. My trauma stirred up. I emphatically told him time after time I needed to see. That this makes me feel sick. Because I know he has lied about these things before. He had some remorse but refused to show me. I told him multiple times that if he didn’t show me before I left the room it would be too late—at which point I’m sure he would tamper with and adjust whatever he was actually viewing. He said “Just let me have this. I’m trying to process a lot.”

I told him if he didn’t let me see that I was going to assume worst case scenario. He still would not show me.

I feel like I’m living with a sneaking lying, cheating sociopath who prioritizes porn/online chats over his marriage and family.

We JUST closed on a new house today and now I’m so sullen. The only bright side is that if we have an in house separation, this house has better separate quarters.

I did not allow him to come to our bedroom last night. I told him if he didn’t comply I would disconnect hard and he’s putting our family at risk. I feel sick imagining if he’s trying to catfish underage girls again. What could be so awful that he couldn’t show me?

I’m really thinking I’ve wasted enough time and energy on this. We have three small children and my heart aches at the notion of them growing up in a broken home... but at this point I’m repulsed by him. I feel like I’m living with a criminal. We had recently discussed getting rid of accountability stuff completely bc he “wants me to trust him” and then he pulls this shit. I don’t know that I can ever fully trust him again.

 

I use this to vent. Keep in mind I haven’t specifically said all this directly to him. Not yet anyway. Most of these are my internal thoughts. I’m not sure what conduct concerns you.