Dear CF's, I am dealing with a dilemma in my heart and wonder how other married CF's are dealing with it. My urges with getting hits through wondering eyes, media, or general out in the community triggers have 99% been subsided. However, my urges to be sexual with my wife is like a hurricane that just will not move on. My feeling about those urges are conflicted because I do not want to "deal" with them as they are healthy urges for my own wife...at least I think they are healthy. But then they might be just my addiction channeling all its energy toward one open target that has not been shut off? I do not want to squelch my urges toward my SO because I want that fire to continue to burn hot for her, yet these urges are really killing me...like daily, if not multiple times a day. I am managing ok with lots of coping mechanisms now, daily posting, counseling, going to groups, etc, and remaining sober, but this is just plain nuts. Any advice would be much appreciated. I thank the Lord for this group of honest men trying to do right by Him. Thanks guys.
Hey man! I saw an addictions therapist (drugs, alcohol, and sex addiction) for about 6 months. He was also a Christian and encouraged me to "lust" after my wife. Not objectifying her, but allowing myself to channel all sexual energy toward my relationship with her because that is good and how God designed it. I think that's awesome that you're feeling this toward your SO. Coming out of sexual addiction, I've struggled to pursue intimacy with my wife with any regularity for awhile. I hope and pray that I become super desirous of her, even if it's multiple times a day. I think, as long as its not leading to unhealthy outlets (P), then this isn't a thing you need to fix. IMO, hope it helps!
Well she enjoys the attention. Of course, my historically PA-related sky-high libido has been a source of tension in our marriage, and so for her these intense urges fall into the same category for her. It's categorically different for me, as I really have never had insane urges specifically directed toward her before like this. I'm just really hoping that they calm down a bit, without my having to squash them into submission, so life is more manageable and I'm not preoccupied most of the time with managing this raging beast. Working out helps. I'm gonna try meditation, and cold showers too.
Marriage, remember, is primarily a picture for us of how Christ loves us and we love him. It is a way for us to experience and practice that love for ourselves in a more tangible form. The nature of that love is self-sacrificial. This is true on both sides of the equation, but perhaps especially needed from the man (see Ephesians 5). So, wishing that your libido would just calm down of its own accord so that you do not need to sacrifice anything seems a bit like saying you hope you don't have to work very hard to have a great relationship with your wife. Sorry! That's not the way this, or any relationship, operates. They all require effort. You will have to master your self, reining yourself in. Your wife will perhaps need to do the same, making herself available more often than she might otherwise. I can guarantee you that this is every bit as difficult for her as your end is for you. It's a challenging process, to love another human being. Clear communication at every step is essential! I am praying for you both, that selfless love would increase and selfish ambition wane until it is gone for good!
Hi Tao, Thanks for your wise words of encouragement. I understand what you are saying about the sacrificial part of a marriage for both spouses. One point of clarification was that I was referring to waiting for a flatlining that would come, because the level of intensity of urges is totally not normal right now, even for me. Yes I understnad that my libido will continue to remain higher than hers throughout recovery and beyond, and it's my responsibility to rein that in. Thank you for your prayers sir we need it very much.
