Please, somebody read this.

Hi, thanks for opening my post... please read and reply I could really use some help.

So basically I feel as if nobody is doing nofap for the same reason I am doing it.

I see all these people doing it to become a better person in life, or to gain confidence for reasons such as girls and healthy relationships...

For me it is very different. I have porn escalation and HOCD.

Let me give some backstory very fast, when I was around 5-6, I started to dry jump my bed thinking about kissing girls or holding hands with them and I never had ejaculated but it felt good I guess. When I was around 8, my older cousin showed me a website full of pictures of naked women, and I remember feeling a amazing sensation in my no no square, lol. I started to search up naked pictures of women and I used to masturbate to them and then I continued to watch videos of girls kissing which at the time was insanely sexy to me, then I started watching lesbian porn which I was addicted to for awhile. I remember at some point watching lesbian porn gave me a huge turn on cause of the taboo idea of 2 girls, and how it’s wrong, mind you I’m not even hitting puberty and I already like the idea of taboo. I do t remember how but I somehow got into gay porn, and I remember the feeling it gave me was this feeling of like a rush, I just can’t explain it, I would masturbate to it and feel super excited but after I was done I felt completely disgusted and co fused on why the hell I would watch that. This caused me to have porn related gay fantasies. I was still able to view straight porn but sometimes it got boring and I would look at the guy cause it was more exciting or I guess more taboo.

When it came to real life, I was getting crushed on real girls all the time, I prolly had like 20 crushes in middle school. Never ever was I attracted to a guy in real life, and the thought was always repulsive, when I would think about the gay porn or gay fantasies, I would always be like wtf that shit is nasty. I never thought much of this until I started to escalate and eventually gay porn was the only thing that turned me on and eventually I got into gay incest porn...):, this was my sophomore year of high school and I got severe HOCD. I found nofap and decided to quit, but I failed so many times but eventually after going on consistent streaks of 8-20 days for the span of a year, and never binging, my tastes softened up and the attraction for girls came back and anything gay related became repulsive. I suffered with HOCD for another few months after my tastes went back to normal.

I continued to masturbate but only to girls, guy could not do it for me at all, and I couldn’t watch gay porn without wanting to throw my phone across the room in disgust. So the theory of porn escalation was proven to me, that it is possible to escalate into genres that dont relate to your true orientation.

Now I went a year and a half of pmo at a non addictive rate, maybe twice a week. I was in love with girls, and it felt like boobs and vagina were the best things in the world, just like they did when I was first introduced to porn.

As time passed I got feelings for this girl, like insane feelings I was in love. I got her number and we started going on dates. I could never stop thinking about her, she was my dream. She was saving herself for marriage and I decided that I would save myself for her so I said to myself I’ll just pmo more whenever I get horny. I slowly got addicted and then escalated to incest, then even deeper with fantasizing about my own mom. Now I have escalated to the point where I can only become aroused thinking about my mom. My attraction to girls once again disappeared, and no the attraction to guys didn’t come, I still feel absolutely no arousal to gay porn or gay thoughts, and find them repulsive. But now I’m trying to go back to normal tastes again. I’m on a good streak right now and I have taken measurements I have never taken before and I feel this will be the time I beat it for good.

My questions:

1. I am still very bothered sometimes by the fact that I had gay fantasies and watched gay porn, even though I have proven to myself that I just escalated at a young age, so you think that I just fucked my self up at such a young age by watching that stuff, which is why after just some time of quitting I was so easily able to get over it, and also the fact that I’ve never felt attracted to guys in real life.

2. I feel a great amount of social anxiety and I have had it my whole life, is Porn a good way of getting rid of it?

3. I have noticed that I have no problem getting a erection when hooking up with a girl, but when they start to give me head, I can never ejaculate and it starts to get boring. Is this a possible result of porn addiction? Also I don’t think I’ve ever gotten head without jacking off previously that day.

 

1. No. You have just barely begun.. I am not saying your not doing work, cause you are. But you need to realize, similar to sports this is something that’s going to take training and training, until it becomes like muscle memory and it starts getting easier. Where in after 90 days, which is basically the beginning repair stages, you will start beginning to grow away from the thing. You’re not permanently damaged; you’re deeply soaked since childhood in filth and it has effected your lens on life and sexuality. HOCD is a huge indicator, I had it mildly at your age and it was a direct result from porn. It’s going to take a lot of effort and time to wash all that shit off you. Years perhaps..

2. No, it’s a good way to remain in it. Keep using porn and masturbating and watch as it increases as you age. The sheer confidence and self fulfillment that comes with being the master over your sexual urges is enough to shatter your social anxiety alone.

3. Yes. It use to be the same with me. You’ve become so addicted and attached to “watching” and needing visual stimulus and “controlling” with a death grip that when it comes to closing your eyes relaxing and feeling instead you can’t relax your mind enough to do it. I use to be there man. You need to reboot, you need to fully let go of it. No amount of words can describe what it feels like or what it does for you. All you have ever known is PMO.


Your not quitting porn for different reasons than others here, they might seem different but at the core it’s all of us trying to better ourselves and break the spell of lust. Just like you I had been looking and into porn since a little kid. There is hope, it just takes a lot of persistence. And I can tell you that with how much you have escalated at such a young age there will be no half measures available to you. You’re going to need a firm reboot of absolutely zero artificial stimulation. Or you will keep repeating this cycle over and over.

 

Humans are very flexible, if you are exposed to something long enough especially at young age your integrate that, you just have to decide how you will handle it.

You use porn because you have low self esteem and as result social anxiety, not the other way around. Porn use is the result of low self esteem.

Blowjob is a custom experience, that's where it really pays off to have one partner, she learns what you like and you learn what she likes and your interactions become very satisfying.

As general advise, hookups have downsides that go beyond risk of disease, humans bond during orgasm, in other words - form attachment to their partner. Men do this less than women but constant change of partners is not good for emotional stability.

 

Thanks for the reply friend. I am just a little confused on the answer you gave me for question one, maybe I worded it wrong but here is the question in a better sense:

I am still bothered from the fact that I had gay porn and gay fantasies, even though I have had absolutely no urge for either in almost 3 years, because like I said that was when I had started to abstain as hard as I could. I was asking if it’s possible that I got into that porn because I escalated at such a young age. Looking back I just don’t understand how I could ever masturbate to that stuff. I wish I could go back in time and never watch porn, I feel like my whole life would be different.

Also when you say after some time you eventually grow away from it... I think I understand what you mean. I have noticed even when I was back into soft porn ( because I was abstaining as much as possible and eventually they went back to normal) I still had glimpses of “taboo fetishes” and even tho they didn’t arouse me I could feel a very little slight rush in my head. I obviously gave into the fetish of incest and now I’m stuck in the mess I’m in now.

Also what is your opinion on this: My longest streak ever was only 21 days, which is very laughable, but the fact that I was so easily able to become disgusted by the gay porn and fantasies after just a little amount of time shows that it was all fake right? Also over the span of a year and a half I would go on streaks of 8-20 days and never binge, which helped after a lot of time, but it proved to not be enough since now I’m back with another fetish.

I just feel lost man, depressed and unmotivated. It mainly has to do with the HOCD but I’ve beaten that before and I know I can beat it again. I’m currently on one week of hardmode, and I’m confident in this streak because I have hit rock bottom. The last time I relapsed I binged 4 times...

I can’t get feelings to girls anymore, I don’t know if this has to do with porn or hocd, or maybe both. This has led my hocd to return and feel stronger, I stopped doing all the checking but the anxiety is very great. A couple weeks ago I’ve tried watching gay porn multiple times, but I just can’t, it brings no arousal whatsoever and I find it repulsive as hell. (No offense to homosexuality, it’s that I’m straight, or atleast hope so) I’ve tried to masturbate thinking about guys but I can’t, it doesn’t feel right at all and I hate it. Masturbating to girls or straight porn is easy, but I’m just stuck into this incest fetish. When I see guys my mind tells me they are hot and this causes so much anxiety, sometimes when I have these thoughts at school, I have to go to the bathroom to do compulsions, for example I will think of the guy I thought was “hot” and then think of preforming sexual acts and I will do this as many times as needed until I feel I had the perfect reaction, complete and utter disgust. Even though I get disgusted by the thought so many times before, it’s not enough to satisfy my thoughts. I’ve stopped doing this about 2 weeks ago and man it’s been tough.

Regardless man your reply really helps and I appreciate it.