40 years worth of addiction.....This won't be easy.

On Monday, October 7 2019, I deleted over 10TB of porn......

I'm 56 years old. I am successful. I have a beautiful house. I have exotic cars. I own my own business. I make plenty of money. I travel the world. I am not socially awkward. I can make friends easily. I am highly respected in my field, and have a large number of professional relationships. I am attractive. Women flirt with me. I am charming. I don't suffer from any physical ailments. I have everything going for me, to the point where life sometimes feels like a dream.

My wife is 15 years younger than me, and looks like she's barely in her early 30s. She's absolutely stunning, with a face & body that turns heads. When we go to a restaurant, the room goes quiet when we walk in. Men & women stare in awe at her. She's extremely sexy. She has no sexual limits. Nothing is off the table. She's kinky. She has a huge collection of sexy outfits. She loves to dress up for me. She desires me all the time.

We've had sex only once in the last 2 years!

Here's my story:

I was first exposed to hardcore porn when I was a teenager, in the 1970s. A distant relative was showing me his new VCR. I hit the "play" button and I saw a few seconds of my first hardcore porn: Deep Throat. Upon seeing it, my excitement & heart rate went through the roof. I asked to borrow it. Reluctantly, he let me. I made a copy. As a teenager, I had very few opportunities to watch it. But I held on to it and watched it when I could, maybe a few times a year.

Fast forward (no pun intended) a few years. I'm now in college, in my early 20s. VCRs are more readily available. Video rental stores become a thing. Many of them have the "adult" section behind a curtain. I started renting porn a few times a month...then a few times a week. I was still young and had a strong libido. When the opportunity for sex presented itself, I was up for the task. I was in college after all. But I loved porn.

Over time, I started watching more & more porn. I was renting tapes from multiple stores, to hide the fact that it was a daily habit for me.

My first experience with ED (or as I now understand, PIED) was when a woman and I were flirting, and wound up in bed one evening. I couldn't perform. This had never happened to me! I was mortified. I did everything I could think of to get hard, but couldn't. This happened a few more times with her, until she gave up. My embarrassment was absolute.

I then turned to porn more & more. I lost any inhibitions associated with going to a video rental store and seeing the same clerks every day. I didn't care. I was so anxious and bitter over my inability to perform sexually, that I inadvertently turned to the habit that actually caused the problem in the first place. But I had no clue.

I avoided dating and just used porn in lieu of sex. I knew this was developing in to a bad habit, especially for a healthy 20-something year old man. The ED (PIED) situation manifested itself a few more times, but not always.

Eventually, I met a woman and we started dating. I was able to perform with her, and enjoyed it. She was sexy, sexual, and fun. I stopped watching porn and started having normal sex. We married and had a few kids.

But old habits die hard.....I started watching porn again once things become more routine. I'd sneak out of our home while she was sleeping, go to the video rental store, and rent multiple tapes. I'd watch them while she slept. I hid them, and returned them the following day. At that time (late 80s/early 90s), porn started getting more extreme, and my addiction to it became more cemented. Dial up BBS & internet porn became a thing, and it allowed me to consume more porn with more anonymity. I no longer needed to sneak out of the house. All I had to do was "stay at work late" every night...all so I could watch more & more porn. In my quest for more extreme stuff, I switched from basic porn to BDSM porn.

My addiction made it so my wife could no longer satisfy my needs. I needed more.

While on a business trip to another city, I met an unusually attractive woman. We started talking, and she eventually disclosed her fantasy of being in a D/S relationship. I started having an affair with her. The sex was like nothing I had ever experienced. Despite knowing that I was being unfaithful to my wife, I was unable to detach from my newfound lover. Divorce was inevitable.

But, like clockwork, even the kinkiest of relationships became routine, and I turned to porn to satisfy a never quenchable thirst for sexual arousal and orgasm.

Around the year 2000, because of my addiction to porn, I had fucked up yet another relationship and threw away another beautiful woman that loved & adored me.

I was just under 40. Rather than face inward and recognize how much porn was destroying me, I instead decided to date a different type of woman. I signed up on a few kink-centric dating sites. I quickly met some new women. In short order, I found myself in a whole new sexual world: outrageous parties, extreme kink, group sex, orgies, drugs....It was like I had walked in to my own personal version of a porn movie. It was sensory overload. It was unreal. It was awesome....but.

Despite suddenly having unlimited access to whatever sexual situation anyone could have ever imagined, I could almost never really perform. I'd have to almost OD on ED meds just to get an erection that would last only a short while. Deep in my mind, I could not compare to the type of sex I was "having" when I was watching porn. I started using drugs, more as an excuse for not getting hard, than because I actually liked using them. The crazy parties went on & on for a few years. Everybody was fucking their brains out. My participation was minimal. Instead, I just got fucked up and tried to have as good a time as possible under the circumstances. It became hell for me: I was smack in the middle of an environment I dreamed of, and I was powerless to actually enjoy it.

Around 2010, while in the midst of the craziness, I met a woman. She's been my wife for several years now. I articulated about her early in this post.

Like in the past, the newness of the relationship resulted in great sex, and a reduction in my viewing of porn. I managed to overcome my "ED" (really, PIED) by always having ED meds nearby. Her lack of inhibitions and openness to all sorts of sexual situations facilitated yet another period of exciting times for me. The first few years were better than anything I had ever experienced. I felt that I had actually found my nirvana. A wonderful, sexy, loyal wife who is also my best friend. At various times, we engaged in all sorts of sex. It was as good as it could have been.

But porn wasn't done with me. It never had been done with me.

The pattern was identical to the ones I had experienced for decades: I started watching porn again. At first, infrequently. Then, it consumed me, just like every other time. But now, I had a gigabit connection to the web. I know technology. I know how to hide my tracks and ensure nobody will ever find out. I have unlimited disk storage. I downloaded it by the gigabyte....storing it on a NAS...cataloging it...downloading more than I could ever watch.

I found myself using every possible free minute to access porn. I'd watch it when my wife was in the shower...cooking...watching TV....at the gym... sleeping.... gardening..... any time I could, I would. I've had no hobbies, no interest in anything but work and porn.

A few weeks ago, while reading cnn, I came across an article about porn addiction. I chose not to read it. But the subject stayed in my mind. I eventually found the article and read it, which led my to this site. The website name was easy enough to remember that I made a mental note of it and assumed I'd access it later. I've always known I had a problem, but never really faced it. I also started waking up to the fact that my porn addition was the sole reason I was avoiding sex with my wife. She deserved better than to be sexualy deprived.

On Monday of this week (October 7, 2019), after another standard morning of accessing, downloading and viewing more & more extreme porn, I finally woke up. I did what I wished I had the sense and will power to do for decades. Stop.

I permanently deleted tens of thousands of porn files. I removed all the mechanisms I used to access porn. I committed to myself to kill the addiction that has consumed the majority of my life for the better part of four decades. I signed up here and started reading.

My wife, the best person in the universe, the most attractive woman I have ever seen in my life... the most sexually open & free woman I've ever known, the person who's been my best friend and stood by my side for over a decade, has been politely and patiently waiting for me to get my libido back. Until this week, she's had no idea why I lost my sex drive. Except for once, it's been 2+ years since we have had sex. A real waste.

For better or worse, I disclosed my addiction to my wife, and explained why my libido has been non existent for so long. She's angry & hurt, as she should be. She deserves better. It will be several months before she's healed, if ever.

It's been 5 days without porn. It's been a difficult 5 days. I need to undue 40 years of a shitty, nasty and destructive addiction. This will not be easy. This will not happen quickly.

I'm going to need a lot of help.

Thanks for reading.

 

Thanks. Each day gets easier. I was worried about the weekend...Lots of free time. It's noon on Sunday and I'm OK so far. Probably going to go for a nice drive. It's good to know that after 40 years, this is not a problem only I have to face. It's quite common. Blown away by all of this right now.

 

Sent you an IM. Let me know that you received it.

 

Good advice - Thanks! No plans for sex anytime soon. I need to recover. She needs to heal. It's been forever since I was able to perform in any way. It's been a long time since we've had sex. It'll be a while longer. Once the initial few days of her anger subsided, we started talking, and do so every day. She was in my office (at home, where I am right now) a few minutes ago while I was posting. She knows i'm here. I've shared some of the things I've written. She's an unusually understanding and forgiving woman, so my risk was lower than it could have been with another. But she was still shocked. I've been writing here a lot. It's therapeutic. Lastly, and here's the irony: My wife is as perverted as they come, and absolutely beautiful. Anything I've seen on screen, she's open to, and excited about. But 40+ years of PMO has rewired my brain so badly that I cannot get hard, even with pills, unless I am alone, in front of my screen. This is what will take time. Getting my brain rewired, as I read about when I first arrived here 2 weeks ago. It's going to take a long time. Today will be 11 days. One day at a time.

My old routine was, wake up and PMO. My new routine is wake up, read & post here. I like this more!

 

yeah! I’ve been waking up feeling like a teenager already. I have extra energy at the gym and work out harder and longer (zero pun intended). I’ve also become a nicer person. It’s fucking weird. I’ve been more pleasant to everyone in my life. Trying to correlate all of these changes from 11-12 days of zero PMO. Either way, I’m good with it.

 

yes. I’d love to write one and update it daily if not more often. Posting has been very positive. But here’s a dumb question: where does one write a journal on this site? I’m new and not particularly well versed with forum sites. I’m tech savvy, but more on the infrastructure side of things, and less so with social media and forums. Thanks!

 

Cool. That's where I had thought it was.

 

Day 12. Saturday, October 19 2019

Had a bit of a rough night.

Evening started pleasantly enough: Came home from a decent day at the office, hung out online here, while my wife got ready for our usual friday night dinner at some nice restaurant routine.

As usual, she looked amazing. Very sexy outfit, platform Louboutins. Nothing out of the ordinary for her, but a dream for anyone else. Made my heart skip a beat for the first time in a while. My libido is being resurrected from the depths of the seventh circle of hell. Feels good to feel it coming back after so long.....

Fired up the weekend car, and went out for a nice dinner.

Conversation was good. The current subject came up, as it does often since I revealed my secret to her (and the world). It was mildly emotional for both of us, but we smiled through it. Overall, a nice dinner evening.

Wrapped up dinner, drove home, went to bed.

I normally turn the tube on when we go to bed and watch some boring talking head yak about politics. It usually puts me to sleep, even though there's plenty going on.

I fell asleep within a few minutes, as usual.

However, I woke up in a cold sweat at 2:00 AM, and slept quite restless for the remainder of the night. I was horny as hell. I needed relief. I was going nuts. Sex was on my mind, but like nothing before in years. Not having PMOd for 11 days for the first time since I was a kid was making me crazy. I didn't know what to do. I contemplated a quick PMO, or even an MO, but managed to get through the night without breaking my streak.

All morning long, I've been unable to keep my hands and eyes off my wife. It's been a fun morning for both of us. Lots of giggling, intermixed with a few evil laughs from her, since I disclosed my horniness for her from the time we woke up.

It's comforting to know that perhaps I'm still alive. It's tragic to know how long I've been dead.

 

As I connect the dots, I realize my entire life, everything, was done to satisfy my addiction.

I will write a new post