31 years old, been fapping for 25 years

Here’s my story and it’s a long one, but I think it might be interesting for everyone to read about since it’s a story about such a severe case.

I am 31 years old right now. I started masturbating(without porn) when I was around 5-6 years old. Nothing came out of my dick then obviously, but I knew it felt really good so I would do it 2 to 3 times a day then. Sometimes I would be in my room as a 6 year old and hear one of my parents coming up the stairs and I would try to finish before they got to my room. This, I think, is how I developed a premature ejaculation problem which didn’t come full swing till around age 15 which is around when I lost my virginity.

I started watching porn when I was around 11-12 years old(1998/1999ish) this is when the internet started becoming really popular for home usage. I became hooked right away after seeing my older brother and some of his friends huddled around a computer watching a porn. After I knew it was possible To see that shit, it was game over. I became best friends with porn. Watched it all through high school, had girlfriends on and off through that time that I had sex with but still watched porn when I wasn’t with them. I started getting PIED at age 17, and I always had a mild form of PE. I could last a whole 3-5 minutes if I was lucky. I remember when I first noticed my ED, I tried having sex with a girl when I was 17, we got in a bathtub together naked and she started caressing my penis to get me hard, I got hard but we got out to go to the bed to do it and I was noodle soft by then, which was a 20 second walk to the bedroom. She was pissed and I couldn’t get hard again even though we tried. Embarrassing. Never saw her again. By the way all throughout high school I was masturbating around 7 times a day. Before school, after school, after dinner, and all through the night, sometimes till around 4 in the morning. I was bating for probably 10-12 hours a day. I had so many downloaded full movies from limewire or kazaa(file sharing programs) that I didn’t know what to do with all of them.

I stopped trying to have sex with girls from around age 18 to around age 23 when I moved to a new state with my high school friend. I worked at a restaurant and some of the servers I worked with said that the new girl we just hired thought I was cute and wanted to bang me. So I banged her. The first time we tried, I ate her out for like 8 minutes and started getting worried cause I wasn’t getting hard even with it right there in my face. Had to tell her I couldn’t get it up and just ended up cuddling. We tried again after that and I got “hard” but it was like a 60% boner and it was hard to get it into her cause I wasn’t hard enough. I lasted probably 3-5 minutes and busted on her tummy lol. The 2 other times we tried after that I couldn’t get it up, it was softer than its ever been, still watching A LOT of porn at this time. What a bummer. Moved back to my home state at age 25/26 and stopped trying to have sex with girls altogether.

So I move back to home state at 26 and by now I’m still jacking off super hard to porn but this time it’s to BDSM fetish and machine porn, I feel like a sicko but I watch it anyway cause the other porn got boring. Became a recluse and only hung out with close friends from high school(all 3 of them lol)

I’m 31 now and I’ve masturbated my life away. Found nofap when I was 28 and tried it 5 times but failed every time. I just recently started again at age 31. I’m on day 105 as of today. Hard mode straight up. Haven’t looked at any porn or masturbated.

First week wasn’t so bad, I had a wet dream on day 7 then on around day 15 I had 2 wet dreams back to back. I woke up and put on a new pair of undies only to jizz my pants a second time and change my undies again 20 minutes later. It was crazy lol. I was dreaming about either having sex with a girl or a porn I once watched. I was not hard at all when I had these wet dreams. I get hard to porn so I know my dick isn’t completely dead, just desensitized, but it’s really weird cumming without a boner. A month in and I am flatlining hard and I’m seriously depressed and had lots of anxiety. Reached my 90 day mark a couple weeks ago, as I said before I’m on day 105. My flatlines have been up and down.

I have noticed these “superpowers” that people talk about. Notice girls looking at me, and I seem to have some kind of “aura” about me that other people notice. I now make eye contact with girls and can talk to them with confidence. I’m feeling benefits of NoFap for sure. I am still very fucking depressed though because I realize how bad I destroyed myself with masturbating to porn and my case is probably going to take 2 years or more to cure since I not only started young, but also watched crazy machine porn. All I wanna do is fuck girls again, but I know I’m not ready and feel it’s best to keep chugging along for as long as it takes. My morning wood is coming back slightly but they’re more of a 60% boner when I get up at 3am to take a pee. No full erections at all. I’m at day 105 and I feel like I just entered another flat line. Probably gonna have them on and off for a while. I don’t even think about porn anymore though. It’s hard not to fantasize about having sex with some of the beautiful girls I work with. By the way I have been told that I’m a very handsome guy and I could probably be a lady killer if I wanted to be.

I just thought I would add how disgusting I became by this lifestyle. I would use my parents vibrating massagers(supposed to be used on the neck or back) I would take out the vibrating part out that was inside the cloth and use it to get off. I would also be fapping at my computer chair and when I busted I would just shoot my loads all over my parents hardwood floor instead of shoot into a Kleenex or whatever. It would dry and my mom would ask me what all that was on the floor, I told her that’s where a blew my snot rockets but I know she knew what it really was lol. I was a sick son of a bitch.

Another hard thing that’s making me depressed is that I have been away from girls for so long and am just now trying to come out of my shell and not necessarily trying to bang chicks but make friends with some so I can get used to interacting with females again, I have politely asked 3 different girls if they wanted to grab lunch or grab a drink in a friendly non-sexual way. They have all ghosted me and don’t really text me back or seem interested in hanging out with me and I’m a fun guy to hang out with too(people have told me).

Anyway that’s my Stephen King novel sized story and I’m just gonna keep chugging along till I’m healed. Been masturbating for 25 years and am super bummed out about it. If I notice any more progress on my journey that’s notable(full erections, have sex with a girl for more than 3 minutes, etc) I will come back to tell. Until then, stay strong and don’t give in to porn.

 

UPDATE!!! Got a full erection out of nowhere today. Lasted for around 10-12 minutes. Didn’t masturbate, just tucked it in till it went away. Day 107.