Lost Boi: Sissy obsessed w femininity and hot guys

I hope this place can help.
I am a biological male who totally identifies as being feminine in almost every way. It is a long story how I got here, but I will make it short.
I realize now that, I think, I was an experiment in a very twisted household. Raised by a passive-aggressive hyper-feminine twice-divorced man-hating manipulative mother, I am the youngest of 6 children and the only boy in the household, and the only child from her second husband. All my half-sisters were much older, and hated their father and definitely hated my father even more. They grew up being taught to hate, distrust, and manipulate men. So I grew up in a household of dysfunctional and extremely manipulative women who disliked anything masculine, male, or macho.

I grew up, as did they, hearing that I was gay or trans or intersexed. It was repeated often, most days, numerous times per week. It was never challenged. My mom said it factually thru my life, as did my sisters.

Our house was and still is full of white modern furniture, pink everywhere, and definitely had nothing in it that was for a boy to identify with. My bedroom was all my older sisters furniture and things. Frilly. Pink n white. I actually had a vanity. Stuffed animals. Dolls. More Barbies that Target at Christmas!

(I still have this bedroom, and my Mom only allows me to hang up what she approves on my walls. Pink, lavender, fuchsia, accents in an otherwise white frilly room. I like it but I am not sure it shouldn't change.)

I was raised to be, initially, androgynous all through grammar school. Skinny jeans, leggings, big flowy pink, lavender, and print-graphic t-shirts and flats. Other boys wore Nike T's, mine said Gucci or Chanel or Barbie or the like. My mom and oldest sister said that was done to "allow me choices" in life and, "that was the thing to do" when I was born. I had pierced ears when I was 8 years old (and one of my sisters took me to get my belly-button and tongue pierced when I turned 16.) I never really questioned any of it, till high school, when it was too late, so I just moved on. I think now that it may have been a way to get back at my father, who my mom has always openly hated and derided in front of me. He was so happy to have a boy in the house, but they divorced when I was 9 months old, and I am pretty sure I became the knife she used to stab his heart.

I grew up with just feminine everything. I was ashamed that I wasn't a girl. I never ever felt good about having

Spoiler: thing

a "nasty, filthy P3N1S" between my legs. I was abused -- sent to room, verbally humiliated, told I wasn't a real boy --- if I did anything boy-like. I was trained to sit on the toilet to pee, and to always cross my legs in a feminine way. Acting feminine I was loved and doted on, and any hint of masculinity was quickly quashed.

My sisters dressed me and made me up, did my hair (which was long as far back as I can remember), and all nails (pink, always, till I was about 12, then I picked my own colors) and took me out shopping, from the youngest age.

My Mom kept saying that my Dad left us because his only son (me) was intersexed or transgendered. It was never questioned. Everyone in our neighborhood and at school just knew it was true. Or was it just made up, repeated so often it became truth.

When we went to the beach, I always wore a girls one-piece Speedo, usually pink. I remember being thrilled when I got my first two-piece bikini at age 12.

One sister showed me, on purpose, a porn site that was just about

Spoiler: site

sissy hypnoses and trans porn when I was still in grammar school. I grew up being constantly told I was gay and/or trans, and that I didn't like girls, and my thingie wasn't a real workable thingie anyway....

so I didn't even think to try to involve myself w girls. Even now.

I did not dare challenge anyone in my home. I swear that they may have even given me hormones to either stop my male development (which is severely lacking in the extreme) and/or purposefully make me more petite and skinny and feminine. I also remember getting what I think now was certainly full-body and full-facial electrolysis when i was 13/14, so I am forever smooth. I happily went to my prom as I attended high school, in a dress and heels. I felt so pretty and loved (the guy turned out to be a jerk after he got what he wanted for a few weeks!)

My dad refuses to talk or see me even though I reached out. I saw him last 2 years ago, and when he saw me he just cursed and broke down. He is so big and masculine and what started out as his "son" (daughter?) is become thru a lifetime of molding a tiny and thin and feminine AF attractive teenager. I didn't even think about how I looked when we met --- i spent hours getting pretty and cute thinking that was normal. My long blonde hair was perfect, and I was not overly made up. I wore leggings and a super-cute top and flats (cause I dint want to look slutty in heels).

I had thought my dad was in on it all, that he left because he knew I was trans since birth. But he cried out "So THIS is what that woman did to my son?"...and so much more. I was dumbstruck. I cried for days.
I thought I was and had become what he expected of me. How stupid. He refuses to return my calls and texts.

Fast forward to now.
I dress as a girl. More so. Totally so. I know nothing else. I like looking pretty. I have long hair that flows to the top of my butt. (No extensions!!! Its all mine). I have had long hair since grammar school, when my clothes went from androgynous to feminine -- my sisters hand-me-downs were all that was available. I had only dated and kissed boys (and more) from junior high onwards.

I know I have a ton of PROBLEMS!!! I get it. My FIRST problem, though is: I am in college but unable to stop watching porn.

Spoiler: what i watch

I am addicted to male gay solo porn....basically hot muscled men jerking off. I love watching them cvm). I can't stop. I am also hooked on sissy hypnosis porn, which I fall asleep listening to on repeat, and sissy s3x with manly hunk porn.....which I am crazy obsessed with!!! I also love watching F@C1ALS.)

I am really messed up. I still live at home (I go to community college) and have no idea what I am doing, who I am, and where I will end up. It sucks. I am really at a loss for what to do. I have few friends. There are days I think of somehow ending it all, and other days I feel like I should just transition into a full woman and stay on the path I am on.

I don't like the idea of dating girls, and I never have. I love the idea of meeting a man who will marry me. Is it me, the real me? I do not know.

All I know is I spend my entire days

Spoiler: how i spend my day

masturbating to hot hunk and sissy porn, and I have taken to dressing sluttier and sluttier to attract guys. I can edge for 5 to 8 hours at a time. I tease men online. My life is wasting away.

I feel if I can kick the porn habit (I have had for 12 years!!! Yes. It started THAT early for me!) I might get a better sense of who the real me is.

 

I am certain you can get your mother thrown in jail for this. As for your sisters, they could use some therapy as well. What an utterly disgusting way to treat an innocent boy.

I wish you the best in life.

 

Thank you for replying.
I don't want to do that but I do need to break free from the controls and guilt and expectations enough to think for myself.

 

I do not feel any regret after cumming when with a lover, I feel enthralled and whole and happy. I cuddle up. Is that weird or normal? When I MO and definitely PMO, I feel guilty.

 

Yes, only porn induces the guilt. Being w a lover does not, not at all.
I feel highly gender fluid yet anchored on the very very feminine side, and I do not feel guilty per se about this but feel it was perhaps thrust upon me rather than my being allowed to choose it. Not sure if that makes sense.

 

This is a very good suggestion. What is the best way to do this?

That makes sense.

I do a lot of stair-climber workouts. I will up them.

very insightful. i agree.

WOW! This is hugely helpful to frame my anxiety around my issues. Wow. Thanks!!!!

This is a good first goal.

Thank you so much for caring to reach out. You are very sweet!!!

 

I will look into them. Thx