Death anxiety

When I got to sleep I'm reminded I'm going to die, I can't stop it and then there is the creeping realization i've fucked up my whole life, the only life I got. Obviously some people here will tell me to 'go find Jesus' but its not that simple. Ain't the fedora-tipping atheist of my childhood and teen years, hell I even envy people with faith but...can't force faith. It doesn't work like that even if I sometimes wish it did.

 

Well as you said: religion doesn't solve this issue anymore. It didn't stand the test of time and now people are left without a proper way to orient themselves in the world. You are forced to create your own philosophy of life. This is a task for your whole life but one that you should heavily focus on when you are young. It is possible.

Death is not a problem that can be solved but you can outgrow it. Not grow out of it - outgrow it.

My two cents lol. Wish you all the best!

 

Its not that religion is something thats done for/outdated: most countries outside the Western world have remained religious. Its more that what I'd want/need out of religion isn't something that can be 'forced'. Not only that but in general people i've met online when it come to faith are extremely dogmatic and simplistic about it rather than being interested in trying to understand it. Learning to recite random passages that condemn fapping, homosexuality or eating pigs aren't going to help me as it would be just hollow. Blind recitation and memorization of text is pointless to me. Don't get me wrong i've wished i had faith but whatever it requires me to find it won't be found in 'Bible-thumping'. Or thumping of any religious text.

Am I being too pretentious about it?

 

No - this is a hard topic and it's hard to discuss. You're not being pretentious.

I assume we come from different backgrounds - my parents were never very religious and I don't believe in any higher power. It will be hard for me to discuss the faith aspect here, but maybe someone else will weigh in on that. By saying that religion didn't stand the test of time I meant that it is not as important in the world as it was. I am not denying that there is great wisdom in Christianity or other religions.

Nevertheless - you have to count mostly on yourself in those existential areas of your life. Do not rely on other people to find faith or create a life philosophy for you.
For me, it was (and still is) a long journey of reading and thinking things over.

 

I was raised in an environment that's rather un-religious and was a staunch fedora-tipper for all my teenage years. All my friends and everyone around me as a teen or young adult were staunchly anti-religious 'its all fairy tales, snakes can't talk, religious people are all dumb and nazis' types especially in college. However studying history and mythology was my passion in spite of college going nowhere and it made me realize it was stupid of me to dismiss something so deeply primordial to everyone.

But at the same time im still faithless. Can't believe in anything, even if its what i wished to do. Its hard to talk to people about a need for spirituality, morals and all that when everyone around you is still a staunch college-type atheist and/or new age nonsense that think they are spiritual because they bought a dollar store Buddha but then argue with you when you point out that, no, Buddha wasn't his name but Siddhārtha Gautama. So its a case of me picking my poison between being told 'stop thinking about it nothing matter religions if for stupid people nothing matter' vs people who think Indigo Children are a thing.

 

I consider myself a Christian. I'm very happy God has made it plain to me, He loves me and didn't give me a spirit of fear. I'm not afraid of dying whatsoever

I do hope you can find the answers you need though to calm your fears