Day 67 of no P - personal journey

So today is my :

67th day of no P.
42nd day of no MO.
27th day of no video games.

I will share some of the stuff I have been experiencing so far, together with some insights and tips. I'll start with what led me to start this journey towards freedom.

So here we go..
I can't quite remember when I started watching porn, I think it was when I was about 12-13 (now 27). When i was a kid i remember MO-ing a lot even before I had access to P, just by fantasizing and seeing girls on TV. I remember even one day when I MO'ed 7 times. As I grew up and porn was more accessable, I began using more. Most of it is kind of blank, so I will speed up to about 2-3 years ago when I started having some awareness about it. I started to realise that P might have a negative effect on my life, but I still was not quite able or willing to give it up. About a year ago I really started to try and quit porn (without any community and support) and ended up relapsing again and again, only to see how strong the dependancy was. Sooner or later I realised.. I was addicted. It became very intense to deal with the binging, because my self awareness grew higher. Back then when I was kid, I wasn't aware of anything, so it was never a problem to me. With every relapse, I started looking online for how to stop this addiction, and was growing sicker and sicker of this behaviour. Nothing helped. My life was vanishing before my eyes, and all I could do is stand there and watch. I also felt like if it was continuing this way (PMO'ing and escaping my life) , I would develop some kind of terminal disease like cancer, my body would fail, and I would just die. In the meantime I was also able to share my addiction with certain chosen people which was a big progress for me.
So it all came down to my last relapse 67 days ago. I remember searching online and I came across the famous "Nuggets" video that changed everything for me. I highly recommend for you to watch it if you haven't yet. Here's the link:



I realised that I couldn't live this way anymore and was looking for a support group.
I came across Fortify (bless their hearts) which is a community that is fighting P addiction. They provide you with amazing videos, a counter, a journal, missions for your daily life, and also daily discussions and forums etc'. You also earn coins, badges, and experience points and levels, which is nice. Oh and you can choose an ally(s) from real life who has access to some or all of your progress and journals.
I joined it for free (forums weren't available) and with a strong mind and heart I decided that it is time to do this once and for all!
I was there every day for a month and then decided to keep on going on my own (also as the advanced levels needed payment and I was a cheap bastard haha).
It gave me the proper boost that I had needed to start off.

So that's basically my personal story that led me to this journey.

I'll talk now about how it has been feeling on the inside of it all!
Boy.. this is surely the hardest thing I've ever ever ever done.
It all started with a big turbo engine in my ass which I believe is crucial for success in the first week or two (a metaphor for really strong will power). In the begining there were a lot of thoughts about porn but I was determined to succeed this time so I didn't give in to them. Every time a thought would come about porn or even sex, I would put a big X on it in my mind and dismiss it immediately. From previous relapses I realised that if I open the slightest window for these thoughts, I can soon find myself binging a few days later. So until this day this has been helping me with every urge, and it has become really easy to fight off the urges when they come, to this day.
About two and a half weeks in, I remember having such powerful urges, it was the closest I had to relapse, really one click away. I contacted my ally and she suggested for me to go and MO (I'll mention that the begining of the journey was just about cutting off P, so MO was fine though I still didn't quite wanna do it).
After some thoughts I felt like if I wasn't gonna do it, I would explode lol.
So I MO'ed and it was a unique experience, because I wasn't fantasizing or thinking about anything. I put some music, and it all felt like kind of making love with myself, which afterwards I felt closer to myself rather than further from myself like I would feel after watching porn.
I remember MO'ing again a week later, and since then i decided that I wanna go Hard Mode from there, as I also did some research, found NoFap and saw that this could be very benificial to me (this is about day 25).
I dont remember most of the next days, I do remember swapping my PMO addiction with a video games addiction, and I realised that I am only tricking myself here. After some time in which it was super hard to stop video gaming, one day I decided to start a counter there also. I started becoming very aware of my behaviour which was always directed into escaping. In the meanwhile I deleted my FB and detached from social media, and cut my phone time.

I was entering a super dark cave.. but I felt there was no other way..

Things I've been feeling and experiencing during this process -
- Extreme isolation from everything and everyone (lasted for a couple of weeks)
- Unbearable anxiety attacks, depressions, deep unspeakable internal pain, feelings of being lost, discomfort (to this day),
- Low self worth and zero confidence (strongly recently)
- Lack of motivation to do almost anything (comes at certain times, but definitely most of the time)
- Headaches (which were in the first weeks)
- Certain specific moments of confidence and highened sense of self worth
- A lot of repressed emotions including anger , sadness , frustration and emotional PAIN (from the begining until now, strongly these days)
- Highened sensitivity to things that happen (like dog barking), things that people do, and to people in general (strongly these days)
- A lot of wet dreams
- Dreams about porn and relapsing (mostly in the begining)
- Social anxiety (mostly in the begining but also to this day)
- Fear of pretty much everything (strongly these days)
- Increased motivation at times to do things I wouldn't have done before, like taking care of the garden and plants outside, and planting stuff
- Oh and did I mention pain? Yes I did, and I'll mention again because it's a big one. The kind of pain that is there just by existing. Freaking tough.

Today I don't do drugs, no alcohol , no smoking, no coffee.
I used to back then a couple of years ago, but I havent touched most of it for a long time.
I also tried cold showers for 5 days, but I didn't feel any different and also I felt like I was really overwhelming my systems with this (which are already really overwhelmed from all of these changes), so i stopped that.
Basically every single day lately has been a sort of hell for me, as I am not giving in to the habits that distracted me from looking inside.
And what's left is to look inside, to feel, to be, to let all of the untreated pain to flow through every cell of my body.
It actually got harder not easier, but I am brave and I'll make it through.

Just keep in mind that you are strong enough to be wherever you are, tell yourself that outloud if you need to. You can face all those shitty things you've been avoiding for so long. And yes, it will hurt like a bitch, and it will be anything but comfortable, but there is no other way.. There's no escaping for long , not with PMO, video games, food, or any kind of behaviour, you know it for yourself. So keep being strong, you are a warrior who has been chosen to fight the hardest battle the modern man can fight.
I wish you a productive and healing journey towards your own freedom.

Thank you for reading my story, Peace!

 

Thank you so much, me too!