Help, severe HOCD!

Hi, my name is Trey and I am 18 years old. I have suffered HOCD twice in my life, and currently suffering the 2nd one right now. I want to give a backstory as fast as possible:

So the first time I got HOCD, it was porn induced, I started to PMO around the age of 7-8, started with pictures, went to lesbian, to milf and so on, then started to get bored and would start pretending to be the girl. (Looking back, I don’t know how the fuck I even did that and found it arousing) Eventually I escalated to gay porn and I would watch it and get this intense rush from it, and after climax I would feel disgusted and repulsed. I got HOCD one day from this and I was 14 years old, fast forward I spend a lot of time trying to quit porn, and after a lot of decent steaks, my tastes softened and normal porn did it for me again. At this time gay porn and anything gay related was repulsive and I wanted nothing to do with. Girls made me rock hard and I was back to watching milf porn( I love milfs...). I started seeing a therapist and she helped me and I beat HOCD, I beat it when I was a junior in high school. I remember when I beat it, my attraction to girls skyrocketed.

Couple years later, I continued to PMO, and I started out by doing PMO rarely, once or twice a week. I used to do it whenever I felt like it. Then months down the road I started to pmo daily, then multiple times a day and I started to get an incest fantasy, and then all of a sudden I escalated to PMO to videos of women that look like my own mom. I can’t say I don’t enjoy it, the rush I get from it is amazing, but after I feel disgusted.(same way that it was with gay porn) One day I was working with my boy, and I got a thought that he was good looking, this spiked my ocd, and I know I’m not supposed to check, but I did, and it caused more anxiety and now I’m in this down spiral of HOCD again, but this time feels worse...


Now I suffer from HOCD again, but I’m straight as fuck..? I check gay porn to see if I would like it, and it always repulses me, then I watch straight porn and I PMO, usually videos related to my mom. I try so hard to imagine myself having sex with a man, or sucking dick, or kissing a boy, every one of these thoughts are very, very repulsive to me. I would never engage in anything of the sort with a man, and when I think about sex, kissing, or getting head from a cute girl or cute women I know, I know damn well I would do it and I want it. I get thoughts around guys that im attracted to them, and this causes severe anxiety. The other day I was in the locker room and this dude got naked right next to me, I panicked and left the locker room, scared that I wanted to do stuff with him, when I tried to think about doing sexual stuff with him, I got disgusted and didn’t want to do it at all. My most common intrusive thought is seeing guys and my mind says they are good looking... it causes me so much anxiety.

I would like to mention I have never been attracted to a man(outside of porn) or had feelings for a dude my entire life, and I have been attracted to countless girls and had so many crushes on girls growing up.

Everyday I get these thoughts that I don’t want, and when I get disgusted by them, I accuse myself of being homophobic and I try so hard to force myself to like them but I just can’t. I find it disgusting, not because of social stigma, religion, I just don’t fucking like it, I hate it so much. I’m not even religious at all and I don’t give a fuck what people think about me.

Just before I got my second round of HOCD, I was in love with this girl for months. I had to break up with her due to my HOCD, but I was obsessed with her, I thought she was so gorgeous, and hooking with her was amazing. I have never had sex though.

I know I can’t be gay, I can’t deny my attraction to girls so I would have to be bi. Deep down I know I’m not attracted to men, but it’s such a big fear.

When I don’t do the compulsions, I get severe anxiety and it doesn’t stop. This has caused me to be depressed. I don’t want to take anxiety medication because I feel it’s best to stay away from medication, and seeing a therapist is expensive.

I just need advice please!

 

What advice is there to give? There's nothing wrong with you and you did nothing wrong.

 

Yes there is a lot wrong with me:

1. I only get off to videos with women related to my mom. I have once again lost interest in real sex and more interest in artificial stimulation.

2. I am currently suffering HOCD, I wanted to see if anyone could provide advice on beating it.

 

My advice is unimaginative and unremarkable: Train your body and mind to be as independent of others as possible. Make yourself physically stronger and therefore more confident in your ability to survive tough people and environments. When your physical prowess goes up, you'll exude confidence unconsciously and this will carry over to your daily life. It will take you at least 6 months if you are very weak, maybe less if you've been into some kind of physical activity. You will probably spend a lot more on food (you'll need the calories).