New boyfriend, same fears

Sounds like you have been doing a fair bit of CBT on yourself already. ACT(acceptance and commitment therapy) maybe helpful too. It kind of lets you get on with life even though things are not totally fixed which tends to make the issues less of an issue.

 

There are many wise minds who be curious on how to build and grow a relationship without trust. I think the saying goes, "the only way to determine if someone is trustworthy, is to trust them." This doesn't offer much comfort, but if you are fully invested in the relationship with sincere intent, well then a major part of your investment along with time, love, caring, listening, and compromise is "trust." Not to cheapen it in any way, but you have to put something at risk to gain much of anything worthwhile. No risk, no reward.

 

Hell yes, get you some Kim Jung Un!

 

At least your honest. My heart goes out to you, and him, as you deal with this. Boy I wish for a world clean where we had no pornography, and everyone got married to his/her first love. Did that world ever exist? Maybe not, but for folks like you I wish it existed.

Be well, and I hope all goes well. If not, remember you can always marry the hamster man.

 

Just be open and up front about your views and give him a chance, that's what being in a relationship is about. I'm glad you were able to find a guy who agrees with your values, that's a really hard thing to do! What I'd do is be trusting but vigilant, not ignorant. Trust him for now, if he give you reason to, but if he gives you reason to doubt question him, if his answer smells like BS, then investigate.

Honestly this issue stretches across many relationships across many different topics other than porn/strip clubs, so you're not alone. Trust is a unique factor that is essential for almost every relationship. I'd say just go for it, trust is the reason love tastes so sweet, and breakups hurt so much.

 

Let me slightly (and kindly) turn that question around: Do you need him (or any man) to feel truly respected?

 

I think if you are in a relationship, then yes, respect is needed.

 

Men do not "need" a woman's respect at the same level of intensity. We possess the ability to simply move on, even from a woman with our children, if she grows too crazy or finds another man's arms. Our flight might bear legal/emotional/social consequences, but if we make ourselves hard to find we're easily free.

Women make babies. This, obviously, creates a permanent connection between the woman and the man. His babies exist in her life, barring early death of the child, forever. Due to this, a woman automatically desires, needs, and craves her man's respect/full attention. One night with a man could change a woman forever, but with a cold heart that night could mean nothing to a man. This is why birth control/hookup culture/tinder, etc. leaves many women with deep emotional scars: Women who engage in physical sex bond super-fast, and therefore need/crave/lust for male respect. We just don't.

This is why many men do not view using p/strip clubs as a respect issue "It wouldn't bother me bro', so why does it bother you." This is because it takes a LOT greater investment by a woman in another man to create a feeling of disrespect. The feeling p creates in women, equals the feeling of men finding flirty text messages on their girl's phone. We both feel the same need for respect, but women possess a far greater respect sensitivity than men for biological reasons.

So yes, I won't assume about Coconut's relationship, but if she's engaged in a physical committed relationship with a man, she DOES need that respect. This means, also, she DOES interpret looking at images, even fantasy, images of other women as a sign of disrespect.

A further note: This is NOT to suggest that we should encourage/be understanding of women's need for respect in ALL circumstances.

I've had significant others who would require that I throw away swimsuit advertisements before they entered our house, or turn the channel during cartoons like Family Guy due to the women's bodies. Even a logical behavior can express itself pathologically if left unchecked. So if a woman displays jealousy/claims lack of respect due to the Griffin family/Sears advertisements, check her/or leave her. However, I think we should all agree that actively seeking images/or looking at women for deviant purposes exists with the acceptable boundaries of a woman's respect.

 

Well, do you think you have that much of a choice? Every person you will ever meet will be marked by the actions, good and bad, inflicted by others. The only way to avoid it would be dating someone that is about ten days old.

Trust is no longer possible if you have ever been the SO of a PA. Once you get hurt, and it's pretty likely (statistically speaking) that someone at some point will break your trust, you will know what this girl is talking about. And by then, should everyone abandon you because their lives are too short to stick up for someone like you, someone with his guard up?

It's rather comfortable and slightly spoiled being single, thinking the whole world is jam packed with perfect partners with unlimited trust and patience. Sooner or later, one learns that everyone has baggage, and life is in fact too short to miss out on perfectly imperfect people.

 

You sound like my gf..I hope she would trust me, and I hope you can trust him.

PS I've recently re-dedicated myself so do not judge my streak please.

 

I do have a choice, and I simply choose not to be in a relationship with someone that will make me pay for the sins of her ex. I don't care if someone is imperfect, that's not the point at all. Relationships are tough enough without trust, and that is something that is not up for negotiation with me. People reject others for pettier reasons than mine, but for me trust is non-negotiable and a deal breaker without it.

 

In a perfect world only undamaged virgins would marry undamaged virgins. This ain't that world.

However, no matter how damaged a woman (or man) grows from a prior relationship one should NEVER enter a new relationship without healing beyond a certain point. That point, reasonably, means not hurting/lashing out at your NEW s/o due to your past s/o. In my mind that's infidelity.

We all carry guilt from the sins that Clownworld talked us into committing, or the damages that Clownworld allowed sinners to perpetrate upon our minds and bodies, and Lilla may be misinterpreting your comment through her guilt/hurt from prior relationships.

 

Obviously. No one should pay for the sins of the partners ex, that would classify as abuse.

Very well said.

We must recognize the fact that our partners might have been hurt and learn to talk and address those fears and hesitations. Life is not a magnified car dealership, where we can discard models left and right, but a place for real unedited people with flaws and pasts, including hardcore porn addiction and (confronted) trust issues.

One would think that someone affected by the former should be slightly more understanding of someone affected by the latter. But then again, I've noticed a certain "female discarding mentality" in this community, and can't help by wonder if that's a side affect of many years of PMO.

 

Okay. In your original post to me it seemed like you didn't understand how I felt about that issue.

 

The "female discarding" mentality comes from a variety of factors. Do some men, here, view women as objects due to their experiences with sin? Absolutely.

However, most men in today's world face a very odd situation. Despite our best efforts to get jobs, education, and be upright citizens we rarely qualify for marriage. Even if we DO qualify to marry a woman, it's likely she carries a child from another man, or she simply refuses to drop birth control (despite marrying l0lwut?). Our treatment creates a far more pragmatic, sometimes cold, attitude towards women. Compounding this, very few women will accept a man (married or not) as the true head of household. So we're asked to sacrifice a great deal and receive little in return.

In past years, when a woman with children divorced (rarely), it was a noble sacrifice for a man to marry her and help raise her children. Now, stepfatherhood or childlessness create the roadmap for many men. This leaves us feeling used, and even abused, as the undesired provider. We find that we're worth keeping around, but not worth waiting for or providing children.

I'd say that men's willingness to "discard" women really stems from the world's manipulation of women: The world encourages y'all to make bad choices (have babies with unreliable men early, or get so much education you waste your fertile years), but expects us to pay for it with a smile and maintain ourselves as providers.

We act cold, or like we might "discard" a woman because we're tired of being played the fool.

Tl;dr We're not really trying to "discard" women, but we're trying to protect ourselves from being used with little benefit to ourselves.